is finding the so called the one true?and how you will know?

[being_meh]

i went out last night with my friend. we talked about life and he surprised me because he told me that he don't really love his wife at first.. i told him why does he marry the girl if he is not sure about his love to her. he told me the girl is already pregnant and its the right thing to do.... and i asked him if he believes on saying that if you found the right one u will know..is it true? and he said yes. he actually found the one before he marries his wife but he let that girl go because he is going to be a father ... and i asked him how is he feeling now? and he said ,he still can't forget the one he truly love but he is trying his best to be true and loyal to his wife now. i said uve been together for 7 years yet u still don't love your wife. he said i do love my wife now but he still choose the one... he said he is happy but it might be better if he choose the other one..i was silent ,co'z i don't know how to react with that... well that gives me a thought if there is really the so called "the one" but it seems that not all ends with an happy ending like what happened to my friend now.. too sad to know that...

[Smiley]

There are always several that could be 'right'. It isn`t a case of one 'right' choice and a gazillion 'wrong' choices,but a plethora of paths to take. Movies and fairy tales have conditioned us to believe that one day 'The One' will appear in full shining glory and we will be swept away on the wings of bliss forever.There are a lot of people waiting for that magical moment to arrive,too often they are wasting a lifetime of opportunity waiting for something that will never happen.
It is easy to look back and bemoan choices that we have made and to think of how much better life would be if we had made other choices.If your friends life with the first woman was so perfect I doubt that he would have been banging the one that he is now with. The fact is that he is now in a 7 year relationship and has a child.He can be happy and devote himself to building the best life that he can for his family or he can pretend that his one shot at happiness is gone.
Two different people can each be given identical piles of building material,one will build a fine house,the other will watch the pile deteriorate.Happiness can be a matter of choice,you can`t just dream about it and wait for it,you have to be actively involved in your own happiness and the happiness of your family.
There are always some people that you are compatible with and some that you are less than compatible with.Trust,fidelity,and integrity are very important,chemical attraction is also very important.Love can be cultivated,but like anything else that we grow we have to start with a seed or a cutting. Hoping and waiting alone will not produce a garden.

[Gary2310]

I think Smiley makes some good points.

I, too, do not believe that there exists just "one and only" great love. As I've said previously in other posts, the term 'love' has a slightly different meaning to different people. Some regard love between a man and a woman as more of a companionate type of love, and they are very happy with such a love. They believe that since the "fire" will eventually fade it's best to have the kind of love that will endure the passage of time. And then, there are others, like myself, that believe a life without a romantic and passionate kind of love would have very little meaning.

Also, I think that there are many different levels of love which are either reached or not reached depending on how well two people actually "fit" together. I see love as a building up of mutual feelings over time, feelings that surface from physical, emotional and spiritual levels. And, the deeper and more widely connected these feelings are, the greater the sense we will have that we have found the "one and only" great love. The human dimension is very complex, which is why it seems that human relationships aren't as easy as "virgin girls meets virgin boy and they live happily ever after".

So, can someone really be happy sharing a life with someone that is NOT their "one and only" great love?

I think the answer will depend on the individual. Will enough of what that person needs to feel good and feel satisfied in life come out of the relationship? Are there enough "connections" to keep them reasonably happy? Now, of course, there are the obvious issues that will not keep anyone happy. Such things as betrayal, physical and emotional abuse, will certainly destroy any relationship. But, there are much more subtle issues that can have an accumulating or synergistic effect, and can be just as damaging over time. Issues like, a couple losing a sense of closeness, financial issues, family issues that interfere with the husband/wife relationship, sexual compatibility issues, lifestyle issues, and the list goes on and on. Some of these may seem minor, and by themselves they can be, but when there exists a number of these so-called minor issues you can end up with a major issue. Sometimes, it's the little unresolved issues that seem to grow and take on a life of their own and they can end up becoming quite serious and meaningful.

I think love is a very complicated emotion, for most. And, I also think that people, too often, rely on just one set of emotions when they are thinking about love and about how they are feeling about someone. There are very powerful forces at play when we "feel" love, but that actually has more to do with the principles and purposes of evolution than it does about us finding a great love to spend an eternity with. But, that's another topic:)

I think that the ability to know and experience love is a gift from God. And, finding just one great love in a lifetime is another gift. Gifts such as these should be always treasured.

But, you know, being_meh, I think that there is much a bigger question here that your post raises. What about your friend's wife? What about her feelings in all this? I mean, it's great that your friend has made a concession and that he has decided to be with her instead of the great love he let get away, but how does that impact her (your friend's wife) life? Does she know that she is just the runner-up? Or, does she think that she is the "one and only"? And, does she think she is getting the "one and only" great love of her life? If your friend hasn't been completely honest with her then I think he is being very selfish. No one has the right to play with someone else's feelings. And, with something as serious as marriage, it's EXTREMELY important to be completely honest with the other person about EVERYTHING.

For a marriage to take place two people have to agree to marry. Agreement is central to the legality of marriage. And, that agreement is based on certain truths. If, however, there are falsehoods being disguised as truths, then that is fraud. And, fraud is a legal basis for an annulment, at least here in the U.S. But, beyond the legal issue, entering into something as serious and life-altering as marriage with even the smallest degree of fraud is just simply wrong, morally and ethically. I think it is very sad that far too many people spend more time thinking about any number of other things in their lives than they do about who they will marry, why they will marry, and how they will live their married life so as to nurture a life-long loving relationship.

And so, it's not just about your friend. There are at least four lives that are being affected by his decision...Your friend's life and the lives of his wife, his child, and the "great love" he let go. That's a HUGE responsibility that should NOT be taken lightly.

[Edwin]

I tend to agree with Smiley on this. There are many right choices, not just one or a few, and there are many poor choice, many, many poor choices. In the Old Testament, Solomon's heart was drawn away from God by his many wives. He loved the women and they led him into idolatry. I think a few of the things to consider are religion, Christianity, morality, standards, principles, and probably a few others as well. Some forms of religion or Christianity are close enough so that you and believe in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, and you can believe in God's plan of salvation through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and then live with the other differences. But, it will make for trouble to have a Christian aligned with a non Christian.

I also agree with Smiley about why your friend was having sex with this person when there was another that he loved more. The only thing I can think of is sexual opportunity may have presented itself. Sex is such a strong drive that if you allow yourself to come to its cliff, you will no doubt fall over that cliff. I have heard about people thinking they could get into the sexual act without going all the way, and pull out before the climax took place. Wrong, because if you get that close you will finish what you start regardless of your good intentions.

In my experience I have been aware of many who got pregnant, and then got married as a result of that, and I think most of the time it does not turn out well, although I think there are exceptions. As I sit here I can think of a number of people who got married because of pregnancy, and it did not turn out well. Sometimes it took years and years, but eventually those marriages have colapsed. Your friend is doing the right thing by staying with the mother of his child, but it may not be a happy situation, and that may be the burden he will have to bear to do what is right. Even after 7 years it sounds like your friend still wishes he were with the other person. I hope that things will get happier for him, since he is in this because he is the father, and he has determined to remain in that marriage. One thing about it is that God does forgive, and He will help build happy relationships if we, and that means both people will seek Him for that.

[red]

i went out last night with my friend. we talked about life and he surprised me because he told me that he don't really love his wife at first.. i told him why does he marry the girl if he is not sure about his love to her. he told me the girl is already pregnant and its the right thing to do.... and i asked him if he believes on saying that if you found the right one u will know..is it true? and he said yes. he actually found the one before he marries his wife but he let that girl go because he is going to be a father ... and i asked him how is he feeling now? and he said ,he still can't forget the one he truly love but he is trying his best to be true and loyal to his wife now. i said uve been together for 7 years yet u still don't love your wife. he said i do love my wife now but he still choose the one... he said he is happy but it might be better if he choose the other one..i was silent ,co'z i don't know how to react with that... well that gives me a thought if there is really the so called "the one" but it seems that not all ends with an happy ending like what happened to my friend now.. too sad to know that...

he

I am sorry but I think your friend made a mistake at first making a girl pregnant while he already had a girlfriend. I think it is only right that he suffers now. If I were the other girl, I would turn him down.

[red]

About your title question, you will figure it out yourself soon. Love is a decision, so you will know it when you decide that it is it.

[Edwin]

Red, is right, the bells will ring, the fireworks will blast off, your heart will pound, and you will not be able to eat or sleep! is that right, Red? Well, anyway, you are right; she will know it won't she, Red? When she craves chocolate, wants flowers and perfumes, and then those will be the signs!

[mystic]

I think Red is correct. It's mostly a decision. Like in the Bible, "take a wife and love her". Love does not necessarily need to come before.

In my experience, when I married I let the flow of the river take me. I was not convinced that *she* was the only and perfect one. But I was feeling well with her, there was a perfect timing in everything... and I just let things happen. There were no violins, bells, etc.

I remember she used to say that she didn't believe in the excesses of love, because they are just temporary emotions of the heart and don't last. She used to say that love should start little, and then make it always grow, all life long. This vision was giving me a sense of peace. And as I said, all went so smooth...
I do not understand really how the smooth turned into a hell... but, well, obviously I took the wrong choice. I learned to try to see the person in reality, in everyday life. Coz while in courtship, you don't see the real character. Just the day after marriage you see the real character (and also the year rule holds true).

And well, there is a Chinese proverb: If you want to be happy for a day, drink wine. If you want to be happy for a year, take a wife. If you want to be happy forever, grow flowers.

At the foundation, to make things work, there is always only one thing: commitment (decision).

[being_meh]

thanks for all your opinion about this. honestly i don't really sure what to tell my friend about it..thats why i post it here. now i know what to advise him. u are right it is him who made the decision. nobody force him to do that in the first place. because he thought his relationship with his so called the one is going nowhere.(because the girl is in the us for so long)while the one he got pregnant was here always for him. i think his wife don't know how he really felt especially now.. he told me he don't want to make things more difficult to them..


im really glad i joined this site. i learn a lot from you guys.. thank you so much... godbless

[Edwin]

You are welcome, being_meh, and we are always glad to say something about what we think. There is a lot of good information here, and we all enjoy the feedback from our thoughts expressed. We are glad you joined here also, being_meh! We love to have people expressing themselves. We are also happy for the ones who just read as well, because exposure is what we want/need here, and eventually some of those will come on here, and that is great and will be wonderful. So we are happy for everyone whatever their involvement!