Men's Porn Use Linked to Unhappy Relationships

[crisipicada]

Young women who report that their romantic partners look at porn frequently are less happy in their relationships than women partnered with guys who more often abstain, new research finds.

The study bolsters some anecdotal evidence that men's porn use can shake the self-esteem of their girlfriends or wives, though certainly not all couples have conflicts over pornography, said study researcher Destin Stewart, a clinical psychology intern at the University of Florida. Stewart decided to investigate the effect of porn on relationships after some of her clients revealed that they were struggling with the issue.

Discovering explicit material on a partner's computer "made them feel like they were not good enough, like they could not measure up," Stewart told LiveScience.

What women think of porn

A number of studies that have interviewed women about pornography find a range of feelings on the topic, from "scathing to mildly positive," Stewart and University of Tennessee psychologist Dawn Szymanski wrote online May 6 in the journal Sex Roles. Nevertheless, concerns about measuring up to the images found in pornography were a common theme. In one 1999 study, for example, a participant told researchers, "These men look at these pictures and say, 'Look at her. She's just beautiful. Why can't you be like that?'" [Is Porn Bad For You?]

Few of these studies had hard numbers to back up the interviews, however. Stewart wanted to understand how widespread these feelings might be. She recruited 308 college women, ages 18 to 29 years old, to fill out online questionnaires about their current partner's porn use as well as their relationship quality, sexual satisfaction and self-esteem. All of the women were heterosexual and most were white.

The results showed that women who reported that their boyfriends or husbands looked at more pornography were less likely to be happy in their relationships than women who said their partners didn't look at pornography very often. When women were bothered by their partner's porn use, saying, for example, that they believed he was a porn addict or that he used porn more than a "normal" amount, they were also more likely to have low self-esteem and to be less satisfied with both their relationship and their sex life.

Sex and self-esteem

The findings showed that the statistical link between frequency of porn use and relationship dissatisfaction was partially explained by low self-esteem among the women in these relationships. But that doesn't prove that porn necessarily caused the women's self-esteem to drop. It's a chicken-and-egg problem, Stewart said: Women whose partners watch a lot of porn might begin to feel more insecure. Or women who feel bad about themselves might seek out or stay with porn-loving guys more often than secure women. [6 Tips for a Happy Relationship]

The study is limited to a youthful demographic, and most of the relationships were short-term, Stewart said. Because most of the couples weren't co-habitating, the women might not know how much porn their partners actually watched, she said.

"You might be more dissatisfied knowing that your husband of 10 years is looking at pornography versus your 18-year-old boyfriend where you have no idea what he looks at on his computer," Stewart said.

When pornography does become a problem in relationships, Stewart said she counsels women not to compare themselves with porn starlets. In couples counseling, she encourages communication and compromise.

"It's just about trying to do some education about what is realistic and unrealistic and trying to get couples to be honest about what their wants and needs and desires are," Stewart said.

SOURCE: YAHOO PAGE

[Edwin]

Very good information, Crisi! When we were in the National Park for 10 years we listened to recorded sermons of a Four Square minister around the Seattle, Washington area. He was not only the pastor, but he was one of their officials in their organization as well. He shared something in one of his sermons about the internet. He said that he could not trust himself, so he simply did not have the internet and he stayed away from the internet. Here was a high ranking pastor and official of the organization, and he could not enjoy the internet, because it was too great of a temptation for him, and so he just chose to stay away from it. In our own, Assemblies of God organization this was dealt with a number of years ago. I think if I remember correctly help was being offered to people who were drawn into porn viewing.

There are a number of good reasons to stay away from pornography. Ancient pornography is what led the Psalmist David to commit adultery and later murder to try to simplify his life with Bathsheba. So, I think pornography leads to worse sins and even criminal activity. Jesus talked about a man looking upon a woman with sexual desire for her, and He said that the man had already commited the sin in his heart. Pornography and prostitution I think go hand in hand. The people who spent enough time viewing pornography will seek fulfilment of their desires, and it will not be in a wholesome manner. Then there are the diseases to be concerned about. Even getting into porn on the computer will, or at least it used to carry computer viruses as well. It will damage your computer. There was this one fellow who worked for the National Park Service where we used to live that shared with our good friend who married the filipina, that he made the mistake of using his credit card to view pornography. Before it was over with his credit card was out of control, and he lost control. He was getting charges inspite of efforts to stop that. The only way he could get away from the link between his credit card and the pornography was that he had to cancel his credit card! So, I think viewing pornography is sin, it is addictive, and it is very damaging. Anyone with this problem needs help from the Lord. He can help anyone to overcome sin, and live a victorious Christian Life!

[BigBlastGuy]

Why have porn when you can have the real thing? Addiction to porn is crazy, because there is a choice between real woman and fake porn. You can not feel, touch, taste or smell porn. Real sex is the ultimate sensory delight: all senses being stimulated and changing. You feel, see, touch, taste, smell all at the same time and all changing instantly.

Why would a person prefer watching a movie of a beach when they could actually go the beach-- feel the sun and sensation of the waves, smell the sea, hear and see surf?

Drugs, alcohol, gambling--those are real addictions because there is not a fake choice. You either consume drugs or alcohol or you do not there is no "fake" drugs or alcohol But porn is something different than an addiction because there is a choice between real and fake. So a guy that is in to porn has a seriously twisted mind that is much worse than addiction to alcohol or drugs.

If a woman offers the real deal but the man likes porn--dump that guy fast because he is totally twisted!

I vote for real! I like real food, real beach, real women.

[red]

I call it pervert. Not addiction but its imagination. Then play all by yourself...oh poor boy need see a doctor. Some men tempted to watch so they can get some ideas. I dont agree on that. Experimenting is good. Never seen cosmopolitan magazine when i was single but when i saw sex positions there i thought hey i did this to my husband lol

[Edwin]

You are right, Red! God made us to enjoy the opposite sex! We are meant to be attracted to each other that way. We would not be normal if not. God saw that it was not good for the man to be alone, so he made the woman. It is not good for the woman to be alone either. It is not only sex, but companionship! I love companionship, but I will have to admit that I love sex too, but don't tell anyone!!!! Pornography is a perverted form of what we should have. It is unreal and unsatisfying. I agree with BigBlastGuy, get the real thing, only for marriage. Stay away from all that watching, because it doesn't help, rather hinders. It is cheap, but also costly at the same time. I think it costs some their marriage, and then what do they have left. I wouldn't want it, but I want the real thing, that God has prepared for me, and for you and others. God made the man for the woman, and the woman for the man. When one is down the other lifts that one up, and that is the way it is supposed to be, pulling together, loving together, working together!

[Edwin]

Okay, I am going to be fairly honest and really candid here on this subject. In our home sex was never talked about. Anything we learned about sex we learned somewhere else. My Dad worked at a sawmill as a motor mechanic both diesel and gasoline in a motor room. I went there to meet him for a ride home from school on occasion, and I could not believe my eyes seeing the picture calendars displayed of ladies wearing barely anything. I had a school buddy who in the 6th grade who was obsessed with sex. He dreamed of it, talked about it, planned for it, and everything else you can imagine. I think any young male is attracted to female bodies and the whole sex subject. I can't speak for the females because I don't know for sure how strongly they are driven in this sexual desire. While young men are growing up, I think it is something that they think about a lot.

I have had my temptations in this way through the years. We never had the magazines around because our Christian principals kept them out of our home. But we saw them periodically various places. Then this kind of television viewing was accessible at times. I was eating at a restaurant with another minister, and a waitress was serving us. This was in the 1980, and the waitress had on a very short skirt. It was hard not to look, and the minister, said to me, "I can see where your eyes are looking!" I didn't realize it was that noticeable, but the reality was there. Then came the computer internet and the pornography. I will have to admit that I did look a few times, and Satan was using that to make me ineffective for God. It wasn't long before I woke up to what was happening, and thank the Lord for deliverence from such things. It is part of the enemy's counterfit for what God has given which is valuable, pure, and wholesome, but many people are falling for the cheap, dirty, shameful, and degrading substitute for what God has given.

This may be a shock to some of you, but it is often times a problem with ministers as well. This is not the first time I have been sent information on the harmeful effects of pornography for ministers. It has destroyed marriages, ministries, ministers, and individual Christians as well as other people. Pornography is big business, and like drugs it destroys lives.

The following is an article from Northwest University in Kirkland, Washington, near Seattle about "Sexual Purity." I recieved it because it was sent to the Assemblies of God ministers in our area from Wayde Goodall, D.Min, the Dean of the University there. It is very good and certainly true:


Your Commitment to Sexual Purity
"You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness." (Romans 6:18)



You know it. I know it-but we need to keep talking about it.



When we compromise in our moral purity the guilt, shame, destruction and embarrassment is overwhelming. However, the most important consequence is that we have grieved the Holy Spirit who lives within us, and have injured our ability to be a positive witness for Jesus Christ.



Some think they cannot be free from sexual sin, pornography, or lust-filled thinking. I know of many who would disagree and would say: "You can!" because they have experienced freedom.



There is no question that when you gave your life to Jesus; He set you free from the bondage of sin—including sexual sin (see Romans 6:5, 6, 11-14; 1 John 1:9).



Some think, "It's ok to view some of it - (rationalizing); I'm not doing anything with a real person" or, "It's a form of entertainment with no harm done." If you think about something often enough - you very likely will do what you’re thinking about.



The pornography industry:

• Is larger than the recording and film industries combined.

• Is estimated to take in multiple billions of dollars a year.

• Is a problem for approximately 20-25% of pastors in some form (info from Focus on the Family, Emerge Ministries).

• Is one of the most common topics; "sex," on the Internet



Job's covenant:



"I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a young woman." (Job 31:1) Job made an absolute decision that he would not take a “second look” at a woman who wasn’t his wife. One day he had a conversation with God and said; "Lord, I covenant with you that I will not look lustfully at women-I will not fail you in this area." The bottom line is that Job made up his mind that he was going to control lust in his life.



Job's awareness:



"Does he not see my ways and count my every step?" (Job 31:4) Job loved God and enjoyed God’s blessings on his life. He was positive that God knew everything that he thought, did, and was going to do. Job’s love for God and his awareness of God’s presence in his life motivated him to say, that he would give up anything to keep God’s presence in my life.



Job's Commitment:



"If my steps have turned from the path, if my heart has been led by my eyes, of if my hands have been defiled, then may others eat what I have sown…" (Job 31:7-8).



Read all of Job chapter 31—you will be amazed. Are you willing to say, "If I compromise in my sexual purity, then God can take everything from my life?" That’s how deep Job's commitment was. God knew about his commitment, and Job did not fail. You won’t either, if you make a commitment like this.



How to Control Lust:

1. Be honest with yourself - own up to any problems you have in this area and admit that it needs to be controlled.

2. Don’t feed your lust in any way. There are five basic ways most men feed their lust.
Magazines: The evolution and degradation of men’s magazines such as; Playboy and etc. is shocking. Movies: Constantly utilize sexual innuendo and outright impurity to persuade people to watch programming or purchase a product. Television: Movie channels and satellite dishes provide access to virtually any type of movie and pornography. The American Family Association recently stated that 89% of all sex depicted on prime time TV is outside of marriage. Telephone: Late night adult and gab lines (phone sex) are a multi billion dollar industry per year. Computer pornography: "Cyber-porn" is one of the most popular ways men choose to become involved in lustful thinking. Carnegie Mellon University found that 98.9% of cyber-porn (on-line) users are men.

3. Divert your attention when you are tempted (find a hobby or activity that you can turn your thoughts to).

4. Don’t rationalize and say that lust is not a big deal-lust in your heart is wrong, and often leads to more.

5. Remember how others have failed: Let it really scare you!

6. Think about why you are struggling in this area: Is it because you’re looking at pornography? Is it because you let yourself get involved in sexual conversations with other people? Is it because you watch the wrong TV programs, look at the wrong DVD's, or go to the wrong movies? If one thinks about it, it is understandable why there is a struggle. Another reason some (perhaps many) struggle could be that they were sexually abused in their childhood or were exposed to X rated pornography. If this is the case, find a Christian counselor who can walk you through this difficult time in your life. It will help you.



One of the most successful ways avoid pornography (and control lust) is to be accountable to God and to a Christian male friend or counselor (or women be accountable to a woman friend). Do you have someone to talk to about your walk with the Lord, your temptations, your marriage, you’re relationship with your children, and your failures? We all need other people.



Our commitment can be like Job’s. "I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl." Job 31:1



Our problem is that we hold on to our problems.



• Believe the unbelievable and step out by faith.
We often hear about faith… but what is faith? We might have memorized the often quoted verse, "Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1 NIV). But talking about faith and living by faith are two different things.



The gospel of Mark tells of the tragic situation of a father and son. The incredible nightmare that this family was experiencing is hard to imagine. The son could not speak, was demon possessed, had seizures, and tried to kill himself. The boy’s father didn’t know what to do and out of desperation he said to Jesus, If you can do anything, take pity on us and help us" (Mark 9:22).
"What do you mean, 'If I can'?" Jesus asked, "Anything is possible if a person believes” (v23).
I can identify with the father’s reply, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (V24). Jesus healed the boy and said to his disciples; "this kind can come out only by prayer" (v29). God will help you live by faith.



The first woman to swim the Catalina Channel was Florence Chadwick (1952). Because of not being able to see clearly (foggy day) she quit during her first try (within a mile of the 21.5 mile distance). The cold water, sharks, and weariness were not the reason she stopped. She couldn't determine where the shore was or how long it would take to get there. Two months later, she decided to try again. This time, she had memorized the view of the shoreline. In her thinking, she could see the successful swim. She swam in the fog but kept thinking of the shore. This time she finished … beating the world record by two hours.



Whether it’s with people we are endeavoring to help within our ministry setting, or in our own lives … this is an area that we need to keep an eye on, and also be reminded that we have a great God who will help us.



Always know that I am …

Your Friend and Servant in Christ,
Wayde Goodall, D.Min

Dean, College of Ministry

Northwest University




The College of Ministry at NU is here to serve you. Let us know if we can be of any assistance to you in your leadership.