by Edwin » Sun Jan 06, 2013 9:05 am
I found this interesting article on Yahoo News. It addresses the concerns of the man about the lady in his relationship. Below is another article which addresses the concerns of the woman about her gentleman in her relationship. I observed that his article seems to focus on professional people rather than common ordinary people who have blue color jobs and work hard manually for a living. It is kind of like the television shows and movies of the past. Most of them had people dress above and more formally than they would be living their every day lives. It is kind of like the contrast between fantasy and reality. People don't dress in suits with white shirts and neck ties to live their every day lives. The article talks about one being too critical of the other instead of just living and allowing the other person to live as well. The article also talks about the difference that having a baby and a family makes in a relationship. My comment on this is that I think that having a family is important, and some people have unnatural affections, so they are more in love with their things than they are with their partners and their children, so they put their careers often ahead of what is really important in life. The article talks a little about long distance relationships which is important to many people on this forum and reading this forum. The marriage to a foreign spouse and the immigration process requires long distance relationships whether we like them or not, we often don't have a choice. Self esteem and physical changes resulting from aging and gaining weight is always an issue as those things happen to most of us. Then the article talks about depression, and that often happens and does effect the relationship, usually creating an obstacle needing be be overcome. Staying home too much instead of getting out and doing things is an issue for some, although I am a home body, and I love to be home, and do things that result from being at home. Then for many on this forum and the ones reading social issues are important as the young ladies miss their families, and their people, so they have a need to connect with other filipinas. The partying scene has damaged more relationships than many other things. When people drink too much, and do other things that are not healthy it takes it toll, and especially when the young lady is left at home while the guy is having too much fun which will cost both people in the end. It is important to give attention to the children in the home, and it is also important to give attention to each other as well. Here are the articles:
How men cope with relationship changes
By Dave Singleton
I heard David Bowie singing “Changes” on the radio the other day, and it made me think about how much relationships constantly change and evolve. But do we also evolve along with them?
More importantly, why are we surprised when our significant others start to change? Who promised us that love always stays the same? It’s probably our early indoctrination into fairy tales that makes us see our commitment to a partner as a moment that’s frozen in time — placing the ring on the finger, the wedding kiss, then happily ever after. But no one ever told us what happens after those moments: Did Cinderella and her prince start arguing over paying the castle’s bills or who controls the TV remote? Did Snow White stop making time for those magical kisses from her guy once a few kids arrived?
Here’s the thing about the changes that occur in anyone’s relationship (regardless of whether they are better, worse, or just different): they are inevitable. How both partners respond to these changes dictates the future path of their romance together.
Recently, I spoke with men and women who’ve had that “you’ve changed” conversation, asking them to share stories about how these changes impacted their own relationships. Here are the men’s tales, along with the lessons they learned; check the link at the end of this story to read what the ladies had to say on the subject.
“She became hypercritical of me”
“My wife used to love the way I was — no complaints. I could do no wrong,” says Boston native Wayne, 39. “Five years into the marriage, it’s like the opposite occurred. Now, I can do nothing right. I don’t manage our finances well enough; I don’t take care of the house to her liking. I don’t think I’ve changed as much as I think she’s just lapsed into being hypercritical of me. One day I got tired of taking what felt like abuse, so I asked her: ‘When did you stop being on my side?’ She was really taken aback by that. Then, I pointed out all the ways that she’d changed and become increasingly critical, and how it made me resent her. She listened, and I heard her point of view, too — she wanted more help around the house. So we are working on finding some middle ground, but without all the carping.”
Lesson learned: Don’t take on the role of your man’s personal harpy, nag, or mother — feel free to pick whichever term best describes the particular way you’re expressing your displeasure to him about the things he does that either annoy you or elicit your disapproval. If there’s something you want, try positive reinforcement first, then follow that up by asking for what you want rather than complaining about what you’re not currently getting from your partner. After all, nobody can read someone else’s mind.
“She made having a baby a bigger priority than our own happiness”
“We both want a family so much, and it’s taking a lot of effort for us to get pregnant,” says Maryland resident Josh, 32. “We’re trying everything, including IVF treatments. They have tested our patience, and it’s definitely been hardest on my wife. I am doing everything I can to be supportive. We’ve been married six years, but for the last three, her entire focus has been on getting pregnant. At times, it’s felt like she wants to have a baby more than she wants us to be happy. I know that things change when kids — even the ones you don’t have yet — enter the picture. But I felt like I needed to address our commitment to each other as partners as well as parents, so I talked to her about it. I told her how much I missed her and us. It cleared the air and helped us refocus on integrating a family into our lives, rather than creating a family that drove a wedge between the two of us.”
Lesson learned: Going from childless couple to parenting partners is one of the toughest transitions two people can make. Transitioning from being the center of each other’s universe to getting lost in space — specifically, the space that your life has to expand in order to accommodate your children — can be disorienting. Keep a schedule of regular check-ins with your partner to make sure you’re still prioritizing your relationship in a healthy way.
“Her job required us to be in a long-distance relationship”
“Things were going well with my girlfriend of two years,” says North Carolina resident Bradley, 34. “Our romance and careers were both on track. I have my own law practice, and she works in marketing for a big company. But things changed when her company asked her to move to Chicago for a year to manage their new office located there. Obviously, this was a huge decision for us — and a big challenge we didn’t see coming. We talked about it and finally made a decision together. She’d go, we’d visit every other weekend, Skype every night, and at the end of six months, we’d evaluate: Was it worth it? Was it working? If not, she’d make a plan to relocate back. We agreed that our relationship always came first. Six months in, all was OK and she loved it there. In fact, so did I; it really grew on me. So I decided to move out and join her in Chicago. The whole challenge made us grow closer, and I attribute that to approaching it as a team effort from the very start.”
Lesson learned: You can’t always see relationship curveballs coming at you. Overcoming the challenges of a long-distance relationship can be one of the biggest issues a couple might face in these transient times, because like it or not, sometimes you have to go where the work is available — even if it’s inconvenient. But you can work out a mutually agreeable plan that gives you clear-cut ways to visit in person and communicate when you’re apart; you can also put a timeline into place for evaluating whether it’s working and when the temporary distance will come to an end for you to both be happy with the arrangement. The real key to success is making sure you approach the situation together from the very beginning and agree to make decisions that prioritize your relationship as well as your work options.
“Her appearance changed drastically, and so did her self-esteem”
“Lynn has always been a really attractive woman,” says New Yorker Andy, 32, about his girlfriend of six years. “But she changed physically last year when her eating got out of control. She gained 40 pounds and became very insecure about her appearance. I told her many times that I loved her, regardless of her weight. At the risk of others accusing me of being shallow, I brought up my concerns for her health. That was a lot of extra poundage on her 5’3” frame. Yes, I was worried about our sex life and my ongoing attraction for her, too, but I focused on my concern for her health. I wanted us to be able lead vital, active lives like we had before, back when we worked out a few times a week and ran in the park together. It was an awkward conversation, but what it revealed to me was just how bad she felt about herself. From there, it wasn’t a big leap for her to understand that if she felt bad about herself, it could harm our relationship, too. I was glad that I handled it the way I did.”
Lesson learned: A change in one partner’s physical appearance is right up there with a few other certainties we face in life, such as death and taxes. If you’re in a relationship with someone for any length of time, your partner might: lose or gain some weight, get a few wrinkles, lose hair in some places (head), grow hair in others (let’s not even go there), and just generally age in visible ways. Looks are a hot-button issue for most people. People hear criticism in the smallest comment about their appearance from others. So, the best way to approach things when discussing your partner’s appearance is by focusing on issues of health, vitality, and self-esteem — aspects that are important to each of you personally and as a couple, but are less likely to trigger your partner’s defenses. What constructive criticisms can you offer without sounding cruel or hypocritical? Which suggested enhancements would your partner actually be willing to get behind? Ideas you can both commit to — such as exercising more with you at the gym vs. unrealistically asking her to turn back the hands of time — should be most effective.
“She was so depressed after her father died that I thought I’d lost her, too”
“My wife’s father had a series of strokes and he was basically in and out of rehabs for over a year,” says Atlanta resident Kurt, 42. “During that time, my wife cared for him until he passed away. After that, she was so depressed; she couldn’t seem to shake it. I tried thinking of fun distractions, but nothing worked to improve her mood. I missed the sparkle in her eyes and her positive attitude. Needless to say, it was a blow to our relationship. All the goodies in our relationship were just plain gone, and I did the best I could to stay connected to her. I finally stopped trying to plan fun weekend getaways and asked her to please go see a counselor. She resisted at first, but then agreed to a few sessions when she realized I was serious. It’s been six months, and I can feel her spirit coming back.”
Lesson learned: Tragedies can knock both of you for a loop, like the illness or death of a loved one, job changes, health issues, losing a friendship, etc. These unfortunate life events make coping difficult even for the toughest among us. Confiding your troubles to a friend is always an option, and depending on what the issue is, maybe that will be enough support to get you through it… but not always. When a major life change profoundly impacts your relationship and you can’t recover from it on your own, it’s time to seek professional help. Talking with a counselor who’s trained to help you — but not emotionally invested in whatever trial you’re experiencing right now — can make all the difference.
How women cope with relationship changes
By Dave Singleton
Where did any of us get the idea that relationships — and more importantly, the people in them — are static in nature?
Maybe that notion comes from fairy tales where the prince and princess meet, marry, and blissfully head off to the castle… only to never be seen or heard from ever again. Or maybe we owe our stilted attitudes to cinematic rom-coms, where relationships start out with a few bumps in the road and any changes that occur are always for the better. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan always smoothed out any rough edges by the final reel, after which the audience simply assumes that their lives — and smiles — are forever frozen in time.
Such pat endings are strictly for the movies. The reality is that changes will occur — such as when a spouse becomes more demanding, turns socially insular, or lets life stress get in the way of keeping the relationship’s passion alive. One or both of you might start letting the positive feedback your partner once craved slide. The super-exciting phase of a romance transforms into a dull rut after a few months. Or, something tragic happens and throws a wrench into the couple-y bliss; that’s life. Whether the changes occurring are actually for the better or worse depends much of the time on our individual choices.
People’s needs naturally change over time. When someone says, “You’ve changed,” it’s not always a bad thing. Sometimes it means you’ve stopped living your life for others; other times, it means you’re not the same partner your better half fell in love with. Recently, I spoke to men and women who’ve had that “you’ve changed” conversation with their own partners, and who now are willing to share the impact it had on their relationships. Below are the women’s perspectives on how these discussions went, along with a lesson each of them learned; be sure to check the link at the end of this article to read what the men have to say about it, too.
“We fell into an old-fashioned rut with each other”
“It was after the third year when I started to notice things changing,” says New Yorker Marlene, 37. “He forgot our anniversary, and the compliments about my appearance that were once the norm now were coming at an alarmingly slow rate. Our big evening discussions centered on which restaurant we wanted to call for dinner delivery — Chinese or Italian? Boring! So I talked to him about shaking up our routine, and we broke some old patterns that had led to us to taking each other for granted.”
Lesson learned: It’s easy to eventually stop noticing when she gets her hair done or when she’s looking fit and sexy after a workout. We tend to overlook the familiar, right? Well, no one likes to be overlooked. Women (and men too, of course!) need a certain amount of attention and positive feedback to feel cherished. It’s a simple (but true) maxim: making some kind of special effort — like planning a dinner or anniversary date together — helps keep your romance alive.
“He was bringing his work stress home way too often”
“My boyfriend is a lawyer, and when his workload heated up last year, his entire personality changed,” says Florida resident Tammy, 32. “He became easily irritated, very temperamental, and not at all pleasant to be around. It wasn’t that I expected him to be Mr. Happy all the time, especially if he was in the midst of a work crisis, which he definitely was for a while. It’s that I needed him to recognize what was happening to us, so I told him that his moodiness had become the norm.”
Lesson learned: People need occasional reminders of how their moods can affect a significant other. Monitor yourself so you become more aware of how you’re feeling and acting — and how that behavior’s impacting your relationship. If you need to blow off some steam, fine. But it’s only fair that you acknowledge what you need from your partner — spending a little time alone, more time with your buddies or at the gym, or maybe getting a temporary pass to work later hours at the office — just make it perfectly clear that it’s only temporary when you do so. It’s fair for her to want to see you return to the seemingly even-tempered guy she originally fell for without having to worry that she’s permanently stuck with a stressed-out workaholic.
“His constant partying was taking a toll on us both”
“When we met, my live-in boyfriend Brian was a social drinker, which means we’d have a few beers together during a game or wine at dinner,” says Washington native Lisa, 43. “His drinking patterns changed after a few years, and I noticed. He was less energetic, not as reliable, didn’t work out, and it negatively affected his looks; he gained weight. It was an uncomfortable talk to have: ‘Brian, I think you’re partying too much. I can see the effects on you, both physically and mentally.’ I debated waiting longer to address it: Would he change on his own? But I am glad I did it right away. He couldn’t tell that his partying was getting in the way of us being able to enjoy each other, but it did bother him that I was so worried about him. So he started looking at his behavior, cutting back, and things eventually returned to normal. Luckily, he didn’t require professional help to get there, but I was ready to push for that if that’s what he needed.”
Lesson learned: Is it a bad habit he can fix on his own — or the start of a bigger issue that’s going to eventually require professional help? Sometimes, you just can’t be sure. But it’s important to address the problem as soon as possible instead of letting it fester, because bad habits have a way of seeping into our lives and affecting our significant others in unexpected ways.
“I missed having my independence and the ability to socialize more”
“Over time, my once-gregarious husband grew into an introvert who wanted me to be more introverted, too,” says Boston resident Deborah, 41. “We’d been married for eight years when I finally decided to address the fact that I didn’t like him wanting me to stay around the house all the time — just the two of us, no one else. I told him I needed to get out more, and that I felt like I was suffocating with just him for company. Initially, he was hurt. But I reminded him of how I was when we first met. I was active in a women’s social group; I played tennis in a league; I loved throwing and attending parties. And I am still that person today. I got him to agree that we needed to find a better middle ground — one where I get out on my own more often and we also make time to socialize together.”
Lesson learned: You’ve got to be able to compromise without feeling compromised. There’s a fine balance between dependence and interdependence; the same is true of socializing too little vs. every night. This is stereotyping a little (and certainly won’t apply in all instances), but I think it’s true that women have it their nature to compromise. Women also seem to be more social creatures than men, especially over time. It’s important to keep the focus on reciprocation in the relationship.
“Our kids were depriving us from having alone time as a couple”
“The first few years together were awesome,” says California native Jennie, 35. “Then we had kids, and our one-on-one time together ended. My husband took to being a daddy like a fish in water, and I loved watching him with our two girls. But somewhere in his ‘daddy dotage,’ he forgot he was a husband, too. No more date nights; no more quiet time alone. I didn’t want him to feel criticized, so I stuffed my feelings down for about a year. At one point, I got scared when I realized I was thinking of leaving him. That prompted me to tell him that I missed having ‘couple time.’ I stressed that I needed it to feel connected to him as a partner. Our kids truly were sapping all our alone time. When he realized how high the stakes were — that I was really unhappy — he was amenable to changing our schedules in order to have a weekly date night. We make it clear to the kids that this was our ‘mommy and daddy time,’ and we’ve developed an entire support system of babysitters so we can expand it to two nights a week if we want that in the future.”
Lesson learned: Your relationship was important before your kids were born, and it needs to thrive afterwards, too. Keep the focus on each other as your brood expands. It might take a village to raise children these days, but it takes just two people to make a relationship work.
Better keep that sealed til someone rightful to open it... 