JOKER'S CORNER

[jadegil6]

A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say two words every seven years.

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.

Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

[jadegil6]

Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

[jadegil6]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[jadegil6]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, And every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.' Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, And fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter today, then I might never get another chance.' To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, But you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[Mhai]

69986178_10157634785239675_7423700419647373312_n.jpg (27.78 KiB) Viewed 7190 times

..this made my day

[jadegil6]

I went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked poop-headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the windshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

[jadegil6]

Bubba went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a good running back, but a poor student. On graduation day, Bubba didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the Alabama students held a rally and demanded the Dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the Dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the place. It was standing room only. The Dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. The Dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma. Bubba said he was ready and the Dean asked him the question. "Bubba," he said, "How much is three times seven?"

Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question.

The students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!" Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

A hush fell over the auditorium…then the students began another chant:

"Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

[jadegil6]

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch.
They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."
Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"
The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

[jadegil6]

A young Chinese couple, both of whom are waiters, get married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darling," he whispers, "I know it's your first time and you're very nervous. I promise you, I will do you anything you want. You just ask. What do you want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.

She shyly whispers back, "I want to try something I have heard about from other girls ... Number 69".

More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

"You want ... Garlic Chicken with Broccoli ?"

[jadegil6]

What deep thinkers men are...
I cleaned the yard today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold drink. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing. "Nothing" I said.
The reason I said that instead of saying "Just thinking" is because she would have said "About what?". And at that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another sip, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is way more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion: a year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say "It might be nice to have another child". On the other hand, you never hear a guy say "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts".
I rest my case. Time for another drink.