Filipina family ties

[HappyDave]

I too have had this concern, but you seem to be taking the line that there will only be one shot at finding Miss (or Ms.) Right.

When you meet someone, I suggest that early on in the building of trust you ask her those questions. Every one is different as you can see from the replies from Filipinas here. It is something you need to get sorted out before going too far and falling in love.

I know that's easy to say, as falling in love can often only be first realized about a week after it is too late.

Plan A, should be to sort these things out as soon as you are comfortable with the person and I would guess that's around the third or forth date and especially BEFORE Sex. That will only serve to confuse you understanding of Love and your clear mind on important topics. LOL.

Dave

[abufarsi]

The poor relations issue is one that is always in the background no matter the "agreeing before hand".

I would argue that life in the Philippines is little different than in the USA. If your mom needed some financial help would you actually tell her no? Your younger brother? If you start out telling your Filipina right out that you would turn your back on your own family the problem will never come up about hers.

Some suggestions;

After you meet your wife and settle down, live over 100 KLM from her relatives;

Have a heart to heart talk with the poor relations that you as a foreigner can't possibly live as cheaply as a Filipino could as a Filipino can share so many things like housing or cooking that an American can as an American does not have the contacts to do so;

Ask help from your poor relations first and see if the door swings both ways. Ask to be tutored in the local language, give them a shovel for a fence project you are working on for example. when it comes time for school fees remind that relative of your request before;

Try to remember that most of those relatives could not imagine running out of money with the income of an average SSS check. That the common thinking is that Americans came from a land where anybody can earn any amount if he chooses to. That it is not in the interests of poor relatives to understand that this stereotype does not hold true in your case.

And lastly, if you live in the Philippines your wife will not have access to your cash in the same way she does in the USA. If you live in the USA a budget agreement is primary to any marriage.

But poor relations be they American ones or Filipino ones is a part of life and you should already know that.

[Edwin]

Good communication before is important. It is a good idea to have an understanding of what is going to happen and what is not. I think if a person doesn't have the means to help everyone then that can't be helped. If a filipina comes to the USA, marries her guy, then if she wants to work and send her money home to help her family, then I think that is commendable. If the guy has enough that he is able and willing to help, then I think that is great too. Each person and each couple has to decide on these issues.

[Edwin]

We have all heard the statement: "The family that prays together stays together." I have seen that quoted here on some of the profiles, and it is true I believe. I think it is wonderful that a family will stick with each other and help each other in tough times. I think it is a lot nicer if a family will help each other rather than depending on social services. There is more caring in the family setting. Then with God to help, and having Him in the picture, the family is a wonderful asset.

[tamaratiu]

Here's my dilemma: I really like filipinas but I am very hesitant to support or be deeply involved with a filipina's family.

I am willing to respect her family, treat her family with dignity. I am not a social or economic elitist--personally I came from a dirt poor background worked hard for an education and professional success, so I have been on both the bottom and top of the pile so-to-speak (well not the very top but you get what I mean) and I can respect and get along with anyone. I have lived in several poor countries and I know how families in poor countries interact. I have never been married to a filipina but I have been around quite a few. Plus I have friends who married filipinas and it seems that our opinions agree--filipinas can be lovely, intelligent, caring and committed women but...they seem to not be able to separate from their family. I have seen lots of friction in marriages and several marriages between filipinas and americans break apart because of this issue. And the classic response that you just draw a line and say I will provide xx dollars in support to her family every month and that is all is not realistic because everyone believes the American has more money so when the emergency arises (and it does often in these large filipino families) the phone call comes and how can you say no? It"s a slippery slope and if the American man does say no then it tends to create a strain on his relationship. Most filipinas have difficulty understanding this issue because most have lived in a large filipino family with lots of drama and lots of economic needs, so they see that as the norm.

I really like Filipinos and could see my settling down with a filipina but the issue of her family always seems to be in the background, a disaster waiting to happen. How do I find a Filipino who I know without question is not going to allow her strong cultural ties to her family to slowly creep into our life together, or who will not resent me if I say no to her family?

Is there any way out of or around this issue? Comments from filipinas will be appreciated.

communication is the key. I have several cousins who are married to westerners and they are not expected to give anything to their family (maybe because they can do it on their own) BUT when something happen such as death of an immediate family that person is EXPECTED to show her/his face. In my tribes culture we value the last goodbye such as death so much, you can miss all the occasions in the world (we don't celebrate Xmas much or new year, you can miss the wedding "just send your gift hahaha"but not a death related thing) and they are of course expected to bring some bread or coffee or anything for the people who are there to have something. (I can go on and on hehehe but that will take a lot of page in this forum)

something about marriage in my tribe: the parents from both sides are EXPECTED to give a parting gift to the couple,(who ever the husband is) like properties something to start from BUT the male is expected to earn much more than the female (and yes the wife is expected to work too unless heath wont allow you to do so or else you will be branded as a lazy wife, if you cant work in the corporate world you are expected to have at least a small garden in your back yard just so people can say you are doing something, for them a house wife is a lazy wife "yes it's weird and never heard off but maybe its because not much from my tribe are into westerners")

[Edwin]

I have talked about my friends a lot on this forum, and they do something that works very well for them. My friend was very concerned about this before he was married. Now he is very happy about the way things have worked out. Early on she worked and sent her money to help her families. Then he sent money from his paychecks to have her brother build them a house. He got materials reasonable, found relatives to help with all the work like plumbing, electricals, and other specialized jobs. My friend paid them to build, and still pays them to continue working on that house. It is very little money that my friend sends, but yet it is a living for those people in the Philippines. They are his families, and he values them, so he has no resentments for helping them, on the contrary he enjoys it. It is his life. Within a few years he will be retired, and then they will live in the Philippines during our winter, and live here during our summer. The situation is different for everyone, and each couple has to decide how they want this to go, and then yes communication is the key.

[edeline]

The Filipino family ties is so strong that even the chidren have their own lives and own families, they can still stay with their parents if they don't have the place to stay yet. Filipinos love each other but in some cases there should be limit of showing how much Filipinos love their families.

There are foreigners who don't like to marry Filipinas because of the idea that once they will be married with Filipinas, it is the same with marrying the entire family, but that is not in all cases. I forgot which I got this but there was a comment saying if you don't want to have a problem on family of your wife then better to marry a woman from an orphanage because it makes sense.

Actually in my own opinion it is good if a foreigner can help a little of what he can do but I will never force him or oblige him to give even if he can't. I will be the one to stay in front with him and tell to my family not to take advantage on him. That is really the idea of Filipinos that when one is married to a foreigner it means that she and him are rich already and they are just throwing money anywhere because they have so much in the pocket. It is easy for them to say that because they are not in the situation and they will just understand everything if they are in that situation.

Me, I am not going to find a foreign man because of his property possessions not his fame but I am looking forward to be with a humble and loving man who wants me to be at his side when he wakes up and wants me to be the light in the family. I rather stay in average living and then we both understandeach other. Sometimes relationships get bad because of the money problems and family factors but that should not be the case.

The guy that I love so much doesn't want a blow by blow account in terms of money. Me, I am so scared to handle money and then I will be asked, what happen to the money? where it goes? so what I am doing is I am recording the things that I bought and other expenses so that I cankeep tract on it. Now I am making it a habbit and I can see it brings advantages to me not wonderin where the money flies,, hehehe..

[Edwin]

Our kids have always been welcome to even live with us if they need to. The daughter who lives near us lived with us at least twice while they were coming in and out of the military. Our youngest daughter is staying with us now for a few days, or who knows how long until things settle down for her. I have heard that about marrying an orphan, and it would be true that there would be no family. It is true that when a westerner marries a filipina, he marries the whole family. It is sometimes good, and sometimes not so good. In my friend's case it is all good, because he needs a family; he has one, and he is glad to contribute, and they are all wonderful to him. He has gained value in his life. I have a nephew that it was not good for, but I'm not sure whether it was their fault or his fault. Anyway I think his former filipina wife was a user, but sorry I guess I am judging. She deserted him when he needed her, and I think she should have supported him during his problems, but he is now married to a nice filipina and lives in the Philippines with a family that loves him. I agree it is nice if the foreigner will help the family if they are able, and also if the filipina will stand by her man, and protect him with her family. Yes, the filipino families often don't understand the money situation. They see the new couple with what seems to them to be riches, but they often don't realize how much it costs to live in the USA. That was one of the big problems my nephew had with his filipina ex, was that she was glad to go into debt big time with no thought about how they were going to pay that money back, and it drove him crazy. If you don't have a lot of money, you do with what you have and be happy. You love each other and have a good life, rather than being upset about money. You are right, Edeline, the money does fly, and you are wise to keep track of it, and then you know where it goes. I use a credit card to buy gasoline for the car, eating out, dog food, and a few necessities, then I pay it off every month, and in that way I incur no credit card costs; using the card is free as long as I can pay it off every month. I am amazed at how quickly the credit card debt adds up, until I almost can't pay it!