"Understanding Your Mate"

[crisipicada]

FOR HUSBAND ONLY By: Nancy Van Pelt
Until recently, few authorities even attempted to clarify the female personality. Instead, many people viewed women as a complicated mixture of conflicting, unrealistic, illogical needs that were difficult, if not impossible, to supply. Women may appear to be more complicated on the surface, but this is mostly because they operate on a different wavelength than do men and consequently approach life from another angle. Someone has said that every once in a while a man gets a flash of insight into what makes his wife tick, and just as he is pondering this... she tocks.

A Woman's Need for Self-respect
In survey conducted by Dr. James Dobson on the sources of depression in women, they listed low self-esteem as their most troubling problem. He observed that even in seemingly healthy and happily married young women, personal inferiority and self-doubt hurt the most and left the most wicked scars.

Why are women suffering from depression due to feelings of low sefl-worth? The answer, at least in part, lies with the fact tht the female role is under fire today. Women are told is under fire today. Women are told that if they devote themselves to homemaking they are worthless. More and more a woman's worth is measured only in terms of her financial asset to the family and her contribution to the business world. Buffeted on every side by radio, television, magazines, newspapers, and movies, she begins to assume that if she isn't a super or bionic woman, a news reporter, a physician, or policewoman, she is nothing. These options should be open for women today, but not at the expense of disparaging the role of wife, mother, and homemaker or of destroying self-esteem.

A mother's lack of self-respect will affect the home in many ways. First of all, she will pass it on to the children. They will see that she does not respect herself, and they will not respect her either and will unconsciously pick up tendencies toward a negative self-concept of themselves. It is impossible for a mother with a poor self-image to pass on to her children, and they will always be lacking in this area unless someone else with a good self-image heavily compensates for their lack.

Second, a low self-concept will affect a woman's feminity. If she doesn't have positive feelings about herself, she will most likely not enjoy being a female. Negative attitudes will take over. She may lament her lot in life, complain endlessly, and fight against adapting herself to her husband's wishes. It is a psychological truth that we cannot love others until we love ourselves first, and a wife can love her husband only in direct proportion to how well she feels about herself.

Third, such negative feelings will affect the sex life. If a woman doesn't have positive feelings about being female or doesn't like the way she looks, she will understand her husband's desires toward her. She may wear high-necked, long flannel nightgowns in an effort to hide what she considers a disgusting body. She may insist on undressing in the bathroom or making love in total darkness - calculated attempts to forget that she has a woman's body.

Fourth, a low self-concept affects one's homemaking ability. Especially if a wife has attended college, she may begin to belittle herself because society is beginning to belittle homemaking. Guilt feelings may consume her because she always seems to stay behind in her work. She can scrub and clean all day and have the house spotless when hubby returns home, yet never feel satisfied with her efforts. She exhausts herself in pursuing endless tasks in an effort to prove that she has some worth.

Little wonder that a woman needs respect from her husband for the way she meets her daily responsibilities. A man gains this respect through job promotions, pay raises, annual evaluations, pay raises, annual evaluations, bonuses, and praise. But a homemaker has no one from whom to get such encouragement except from her husband. The unhappiest women in the world are those who must drag through day after weary day with no understanding fron their husbands of what it takes to run a home and to raise resposible children.

Outside Interest
A man who really wants to do something positive to build self-respect in his wife should see to it that she gets out of the house and away from the children at least one afternoon or day a week. This is particularly true for mothers of small children.

A homemaker who can get out of the house one day a week for a luncheon with the girls or a self-improvement of hobby class will be a better wife and mother. And she will enjoy her homemaking more because of the new slant on life that she brings back into the home. If finances are tight, she can exchange baby-sitting with a neighbor or friend. This is not a convenience to be worked into the budget if there are reserve funds, but a must for keeping her sanity and self-respect.

Hired Help
A man might also check into a little hired help with the big jobs - washing the windows, stripping and waxing floors, shampooing carpets. This, of course, would be expensive if done through a professional agency, but many young people are eager to make some spending money. Such a program has many rewards, not the least of whick is a less - fatigued wife at night.

More Communication
A man who wants his wife to accept the responsibilities of motherhood and to supply the children with a nurturing love and a positive self-image should provide the support she needs. If she has had an especially difficult day solving the hundreds of little crises that come up hourly in the realm of raising children, then he must allow her time to talk with him about these problems that are important to her. She needs his help to discipline, train, guide, entertain, and educate the children.

Time for the Family
Every man should reserve some time in his busy work schedule for his family. If his job paritcularly rewards many of his ego needs and if he loves what he is doing, it might not be hard for him to invest six or almost seven days a week in his occupation. The result is a frustrated wife and lonesome children.
A minister friend of ours always took time for his wife and family. He pastored a large church in a huge metropolis and, had he allowed it, could have ministered to the flock 100 percent of his waking hours. But he wouldn't let this happen; so he spent every Monday with his family. Often they would leave home and go off by themselves. if they did stay home, they refused to answer the phone. Only his secretary knew how to reach hin in an emergency. he had his priorities straight. After all, what good would his position and his church be to him if he lost the admiration and affection of his own family? He has succeeded as a pastor, husband, and father because he has kept his values in order.

Interest in the Home
If a man spends most of his time away from the home and if he fails to manifest equal interest in what goes on in the home, his wife will feel frustrated. Home is an extension of her personality, and she may interpret his attitude as personal unconcern for her. For example, he may not be handy at puttering around the house. Attempting to repair the leaky faucet, sagging towel rack, and one-hinged screen door may frustrate him and seem minor compared to the more important matters on his mind. "What does it matter if these things get done now or a month from now?" he asks himself. But to her his procrastination may represent personal rejection. She needs to know he cares about her world and her.

Although a woman needs her husband's participation and interest in the home, he must remember tht it is her domain. Even if he is an efficiency expert, he should not try to rearrange her kitchen or redecorate the house alone. This would be as bad as if she went to his office and rearranged the furniturem gave counterinstructions to his secretary, and showed him where he was wrong in many of his decisions. A woman needs freedom in choosing house plans and decor. it is her world.

Validate Feelings
A woman needs to have her feelings validated and accepted. She does not look primarily for solutions so much as for understanding. She will be satisfied to seek for a solutions so much as for understanding. She will be satisfied to seek for a solution later, but when she is upset she wants adult conversation. If a man listens with one ear or if he appears uninterested, it will not be good enough. So she may provoke an argument by choosing an insignificant point and blowing it all out of proportion.

Carl G Jung speaks of the tendency for an international woman to harp on an irrelevant point., nonsensically making it the main one. He points out that a perfectly lucid discussion can often get tangled up in the most maddening way through the introduction of different and sometimes perverse points of view. She may drag up five-year-old inconsequentials and leap to wild conclustions. Usually during such episodes she does not really want an argument. She only wants her husband to understand how she feels. In the argument, and would be disappointed if she did.

Respect Intuition
A man sometimes feels that a woman cannot be understood because she approaches problem-solving differently. A man relies heavily on pure logic for understanding, whereas a woman does not normally analyze a situation, reduce it into component parts, and produce a factual solution. She usually perceives by an emotional process.

A man tends to disregard the emotional reactions of a woman because they lack substance according to male standards. But a mature woman can produce highly accurate conclusions. Feminine intuition, as it is often called, can greatly benefit a man lending a broader perspective to an issue. Men-and sometimes women -tend to put down what can be a valuable resource, for intuition is not magical thinking but rather ideas, perceptions, thoughts, and feelings that emerge from a woman's reflection on issues. She may have limited knowledge of a subject, but her advice can prove quite reliable.

A lawyer once said, "Half my male clients would have kept out of trouble if they had talked things over with their wives. I suppose isn't my place to tell them so, but I can't understand how an intelligent man, who has an intelligent wife, fails to use her more profitably. Why should lie idle? Even if his own judgment is unusually good, he gets so close to a deal that he can't see the forest for the trees. If he would talk it over with his wife, who may know nothing about it, she would yet aid him in very fact that her mind is free and untrammeled. Men come to me for just that sort of a service and pay me large fees. Half the time their wives could do the job as well as I, since it doesn't call for any legal knowledge- merely common sense and a detached mind that looks at the matter freshly."

Mood Changes
A woman often experiences volatile mood swings, which a man may interpret as emotional instability. But the ups and downs a woman experiences result from her entirely different emotional setup and glandular changes.

One aspect of a woman's emotional nature that can greatly frustrate a man is her crying spells. Sometimes a woman cries over a major issues, and sometimes it seems minor. She can cry on schedule or off. These spells do not show a lack of discipline, however, but rather her sensitive nature. She may cry as a release from pent-up tension, or she may cry when she is deeply touched, hurt, or happy. During such times most women would appreciate a tender expression of sympathy indicating that their emotions are understood. Others may wish the shed their tears undisturbed. In most cases, a good cry represents "therapy."

Premenstrual Tension
Men should try to understand the psychological factors that occur during premenstrual tension and anticipate likely emotional changes. About five days prior to menstruation, the estrogen content of the bloodstream is elevated, which causes the body to retain fluid. In some cases it can amount to as much as five excess pounds. This bloated condition, in addition to the newly released hormones, often results in sluggishness, depression, and tension as well as cramps.

Many marital problems erupt just prior to menstruation, and a wife will particularly need affection and reassurance during this time, even though she may be at her most unlovable worst. It is best not to decide important family issues at this time. If the wife can be aware that she is uptight, she can make allowances for her behavior, and her husband can too. He should do all he can to keep the house running as smoothly as possible.

Today's society places a great amount of emphasis upon the acquisition of things. As a consequence, men have heart attacks at earlier ages due to excessive stress. Yet few women really want more things, for things can never take the place of a loving husband.

At some point in his life every man must fave the reality that time is passing, that his life is vanishing right before his eyes. Wedding anniversaries have come and gone, and the years have disappeared. The children will soon be gone, and the husband may discover that he is living with a stranger whom he calls his wife. If this is how it is with you, perhaps you need to assess what is really worth your time and effort. What do you wish to recall at the end of your days? If you aren't after wealth and fame, what is it you want? Unless you have experienced the warmth of family ties, service to others, and a sincere attempt to serve God, nothing else will make much sense, will it?

[eStu]

That's an interesting article. At 33 years of age I have already learned some of the things in that article the hard way, but it pays to refresh, reflect and evaluate.

The 'Outside Interest' section in particular reminds me of another thread on these forums which was discussing whether it's right for a woman to just stay home. I think that home-making/taking care of family is a valid way for a woman to spend her time if that's what she and her partner agree upon, but I don't think that it should result in her being cut off from friends or the outside world. In my opinion, kind and caring husbands should not seek to isolate their wife, and should encourage and facilitate the pursuit of some interests outside the home.

On another tangent:

A man gains this respect through job promotions, pay raises, annual evaluations, pay raises, annual evaluations, bonuses, and praise.

Does anyone think this is an unnecessarily restricted way to measure the worth of a man?

[Edwin]

crisipicada wrote:
A man gains this respect through job promotions, pay raises, annual evaluations, pay raises, annual evaluations, bonuses, and praise.

In my work experience I always put everything I had into my jobs. I tried never to miss work, and I even went to work sick, which is not always commendable, but I did it. I worked at one job for 5 years, sawmill, hard work, and I only missed one night to attend my niece's funeral. In the 10 years I was substitute teaching I missed one day because I was careless and forgot I was supposed to go. I wrote it on the calendar, and thought I knew the day, and didn't bother to look back at the calendar, and the people where I was supposed to go were angry with me, but they forgave me. I substituted for sick teachers as well as teachers with emergencies and plans. I did go at times sick to these job, and I was substitute teaching for a sick teacher. The difference was that they had sickleave and I didn't. I did call in sick once when I couldn't talk, and a teacher that can't talk is in trouble, so I didn't go.

I took different jobs when I was in the saw mill, but they really weren't promotions, they were positioned I signed for and got the jobs. Generally when I got pay raises everyone else did too. Once I negotiated for my wages, because the employer told me that he would take better care of me than my former employer. He meant well and tried, but I was better off with my former employer, but that employer quit business, so I just negotiated for a higher wage and free provided lunches. I got more overtime, and worked almost the year around with the other employer, and I got very few hours during the off season with this employer, but he meant well, and he was a good guy, so I worked for him and enjoyed it.

Regular teachers had periodic evaluations, but I didn't have any evaluations as a substitute teacher. They wanted me to teach badly, and if I would have refused it would have put them in a hard bind. In some of my jobs I got small bonuses, never anything very large, but I was always thankful and wrote a thank you to my employer for those bonuses. I usually got a lot of good praise for what I did, because I put a lot of effort into all my jobs, and the employer recognized that. I had one supervisor who wanted to fire me over a situation that was mostly his fault. My employer told me that I was the best employee he had ever had, and that was the end of that. I ended up working under this supervisor for about 8 years, and he got so he really liked me and came to depend on me. I was scolded a few times while substitute teaching for small things that I did that did not meat with the approval of the teacher I was working for. A few times it was my fault, but many times it was not, so even though those reprimands bothered me I went on and usually gained the respect of the person that I was working for.

[crisipicada]

I believe understanding your mate is important. I always notice that if the man can't provide needs of family the wife always irritable. I would be very understanding if my husband is not rich anyway. Only accepting things will help you good relationship with your wife.

[crisipicada]

talking about this topic 'understanding your mate', i can hardly understand my officemates who are guys always talking about their respective wives.

they always talk that their wives are feeling insecure and makes them sad and do not want to go home.

while we are talking about their wives they ask me why we are like that as a woman.

i said, guys, we women wants to be the only woman to the man we love. do not make anything that makes us suspicious because it is not healthful to a marriage life.

on the other hand, we women cannot tell our partner what we really need and we are sometimes moody

better give us time to talk to you and talk to us women heart to heart.

sometimes, you guys must be sensitive with our feelings because we women struggle with our feelings.

do not ever take forgranted our feelings and the time we needed to talk to you.

hahhahhaha, they smile and some laugh and laugh.


now you, know guys, please give us your undevidid attendtion. and we will give you our undivided time too.

[Edwin]

That is good, Crisi!

[crisipicada]

yes, we are only two women in the fire department and all are men. i always go with what they are doing and talking and go with the music. before i do not know how to deal with men. it really change my social life joining the bureau.

i sometimes tell jokes and they laugh a lot. like talking to tommy tom he laugh a lot when i make joke when we chat.

i am just so happy that my comrades are good and understanding and they also learn to adjust women.

we treat as brothers and sisters and so there is no problem with the relationship when it comes to working environment.

[Edwin]

It is wonderful to have a good working relationship on the job, and it is nice for a few women to be able to mix with more men in the job and have it work.

[purex]

it is true that women's mood change when they have their monthly period, because of hormonal imbalance.

sometimes, we like something and later on we change our mind

[Edwin]

it is true that women's mood change when they have their monthly period, because of hormonal imbalance.

sometimes, we like something and later on we change our mind

There's an old saying, "It's a woman's perrogative to change her mind."!!!! That is just to keep the men folk confused! "What will this woman decide next!"!!!! There was a television/movie comedian that said that his room was so small that he didn't even have room to change his mind!!!!