JOKER'S CORNER

[jadegil6]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a birthday gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
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My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how the fight started...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her High School reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My goodness!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's how the fight started...
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else to do first, lke reading the news on the internet, or rearranging my fishing tackle box. There was always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time, and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway and wash the car."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "More dust."
And that's how the fight started...
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather report said it would be storming all day. So I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's backside, and now with a different agenda, I whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's when the fight started......
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my Social Security pension. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." And she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started...
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I rear-ended a car this morning......the start of a really bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said, "I am not Happy!" So I said, "Well, if you ain't Happy, then which one are you?"
That's how the fight started.
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My wife was standing nude, looking at herself in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw, and she said to me, "I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment to boost my self-esteem." I replied, "Your eyesight's dang near perfect."
And then the fight started........

[Edwin]

I saw a joke on facebook, but I don't think it would be wise to actually do it. If you got bored on your day off from work you could call a paranoid schizofrenic and tell him you are watching his house. It is very funny to think about that, but I wouldn't recommend anyone actually doing that. For one thing that kind of a person could be dangerous, and that might push him/her over the edge. We have a young friend who called his mom pretending to be the internet company, and told her that they were suspending their internet because the other brother was watching porn, and the internet company, actually the other son, told her that their company didn't want to be known for that! She just about lost it, and then he leveled with her, told her who he was, and that it was supposed to be funny. I'm not sure that she thought it was funny, but he did, and I'm not sure about his brother either. They are a good moral upright family, actually Seventh Day Adventist people. I guess they all had a good laugh after they got over the shock!

[Edwin]

Many of us get forwards from all various people who are connected with us. Some forwards we like to get, but others we would just as soon not get. Some forwards are actually in poor taste. We have gotten forwards in the past that come with a threat or a blessing, however you want to take them sometimes. They say if you send this forward on you will be blessed, but if you do not bad things will happen to you. Some say we are depending on you to send this on, and please do not break the chain of sending this.

We got a forward which was a play on words which was kind of clever. You will see at the end that it suggests you send it on to one unstable person, and I have sent it to you, meaning you are unstable. I have heard that all of us are unstable in one way or another. The people sending this forward are doing it in good humor, and are not really saying the person they are sending it to is unstable. Well, here it is:

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be
driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family
and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too
much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit
there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin
flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can
get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in.
It's an age thing.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART!
Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year.
You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one
unstable person. My job is done!

[Edwin]

Many years ago we lived across the street from a man who attended our church, and he was a very good friend as well. He and I went driving from our state of Washington down into Eugene, Oregon to get some honey bee keeping supplies, and we would meet and drink coffee, yes, I used to drink coffee, but not any more. We were very good friends. He was the nephew of a very famous man, George Gallup of the Gallup polls. His name was Roger Gallup. His dad died, the brother of George Gallup, and Roger inherited a lot of reel to reel movies from his dad. At the church they had a Sunday School business meeting. I was working at a saw mill 30 miles away or so that night, so I missed the meeting, but my brother was there, and he told me of the happenings. It so happened that all of Roger's dad's movies were not the kind that you would want to show in church. They thought they had a movie of animals, bears, deer, and such, but they got mixed up, and started the movie projector at the beginning of the Sunday School business meeting. Well, the first thing that happened in the movie was there was a woman stripping. Roger and the preacher were standing relaxed at the back of the church thinking they had a nice movie rolling. My brother told me that they ran stumbling over things trying to quickly get to the projector to shut it off. They were very embarrassed, and everyone was laughing as it was a very innocent mistake.

[Edwin]

Carol saw this on her facebook, and she read it to us. I may not remember the names correctly, but I remember the story. This couple, Bill and Betty, went to this county fair each year, and there was this heliocopter ride being offered for $50.00. Bill really wanted to go on it, but Betty said, no, $50.00 is $50.00, and we shouldn't spend that money. After a number of years Bill and Betty were at this same fair, and they were discussing about going on that heliocopter ride, and the same as before, Betty said, no, we shouldn't spend that money $50.00 is $50.00. Bill said, "I am 85 years old, and I really want to go for that ride." The pilot overheard the discussion, and he said to them, "I will make you a deal. I will take you on that ride, and I won't charge you anything if you don't say a word, but if you say one word you will have to pay me $50.00. They agreed and Bill and Betty got into the heliocopter for the ride. The pilot took them for all kinds of daring manuvers, dives and loups, and not a word was said. He tried desperately to scare them enough that they would say something. So after he landed he said to Bill, "You did pretty well not saying a word!" Bill said, "Yes, but I came pretty close to saying something when Betty fell out of the heliocopter, but $50.00 is $50.00!"

[Edwin]

Some of my happiest times were spent in the arms of another woman. That woman was my mother when I was an infant! I got that from one of my church members from years ago. I thought that was rather clever. The little joke makes you think the guy talking or writing is out with another woman, but no he is an infant, and his mother is holding or rocking him in her arms.

[Edwin]

When Carol and I moved to this place in the Cascade Mountains in the National Park, we had a number of jobs. My main jobs were driving, providing transportation with various size buses, and also narration and guided tours. I also worked at maintainence in between times that I was driving. I even waited tables in the restaurant and handled money for a while; the first time in my life I ever did that.

The guy who showed me how to do a chicken and beans dinner tour, driving and then eating, told me that sometimes if the boat was late bringing them, and the next boat that was to take them home was on time, I would have to skip some of the points of interest, because it was just impossible to make it all happen if there wasn't enough time. Well, I shared this with some of my people on the tour, and I thought they would understand. Boy was I wrong. They wrote feedbacks of me saying that my supervisor told me if we were short on time to skip some of the points of interest. Well, he really told me off when I got back to the boat landing. Then he tried to have me fired, but the guy that owned the whole outfit told him that I was his best employee and that he was not going to allow this guy to fire me. Well, this was the first year, and a rough start, but I worked for this guy and under that supervisor that was mad at me for 10 years. He got so that he really liked me, because I was willing to do anything he wanted me to do, and cheerfully as well.

Once I made coffee in the restaurant, and we were using makeshift filters that did not work the best. You had to learn how to use them in order to make them work at all. Anyway one of the pots, huge pots, of coffee that I made ended up with grounds in the coffee. So, he said, "Now I have grounds to fire you!" Of course by this time he and I were great friends, and he would not fire me, but his joke was kind of funny.

[Edwin]

There is a joke traveling around on facebook, and I don't know who started it, but Carol passed it along, and a good friend of ours who is a Catholic responded, and I thought, "Oh, no, did she get offended by that joke?" No, she thought it was really funny as I did also! This just goes to show that these Catholics from this mostly Catholic neighborhood did not teach John what they thought they were teaching him!

Here's the joke:

"John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men ...got together and decided that something had to be done about John as he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. So they decided to try and convert John to become a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved that now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

[red]

There is a joke traveling around on facebook, and I don't know who started it, but Carol passed it along, and a good friend of ours who is a Catholic responded, and I thought, "Oh, no, did she get offended by that joke?" No, she thought it was really funny as I did also! This just goes to show that these Catholics from this mostly Catholic neighborhood did not teach John what they thought they were teaching him!

Here's the joke:

"John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men ...got together and decided that something had to be done about John as he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. So they decided to try and convert John to become a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved that now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

[edeline]

There is a joke traveling around on facebook, and I don't know who started it, but Carol passed it along, and a good friend of ours who is a Catholic responded, and I thought, "Oh, no, did she get offended by that joke?" No, she thought it was really funny as I did also! This just goes to show that these Catholics from this mostly Catholic neighborhood did not teach John what they thought they were teaching him!

Here's the joke:

"John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men ...got together and decided that something had to be done about John as he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. So they decided to try and convert John to become a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved that now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

Thanks for posting that. That is really funny.