JOKER'S CORNER

[jadegil6]

Glad you like them, cheryz. I don't write them...just find them and post them.

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Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
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For Valentine's Day:

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

"Yes," came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, "I've bought her a belt and a bag."

"That was very kind of you," Jim added, "I hope she appreciated the thought."

Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."
*****

Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?

A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.
*****
Knock, Knock,

Who's there?

Olive

Olive who?

Olive you!
*****
Q: What is a vampire's sweetheart called?

A: His ghoul-friend.
*****
Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?

A: Antelope.
*****
Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?

A: You turn me on.
*****
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[cheryz]

The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

[red]

The other day our kids were visiting an eye doctor. Both were prescribed to wear glasses. The younger one asked "mommy if I have glasses then i can read too?" I said to her yes but you have to learn to read.

[cheryz]

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
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Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!

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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

[jadegil6]

You might not know this...but a lot of non-living objects are actually
either Male or Female..
Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are Male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are Female, because once turned off....it takes a while to warm them up again. They can be an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed..but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES: Tires are Male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a Male object... Because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under them.

SPONGES: These are Female...because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely Male... Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are Female because...over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male..... Because in the last 5000 years, .they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying.

[jadegil6]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

[cheryz]

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

[cheryz]

A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!

[angel]

The Patient

A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up in a body cast. One of the nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said, "Don't move -- I'll be right back."

When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in amazement, "How did you get that in your mouth, you can't even move?" Then the man said, "I hiccupped."

[angel]

Mental Patients at a Baseball Game

A hospital psychologist decided to take his mental patients to a baseball game. He coached his patients with simple cues to avoid unwanted anxiety and social awkwardness.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up, nuts!" The inmates stood up.

After the anthem, he yelled, "Down, nuts!" They all sat.

After a home run, he yelled, "Cheer, nuts!" They all broke into applause.

Since everything was going smoothly, he left his assistant in charge while he ran to the restroom.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress. "What happened?" he asked his assistant.

"Everything was fine until some guy showed up selling peanuts!"