JOKER'S CORNER

[jadegil6]

An extraordinarily handsome foreigner decided he wanted to marry the perfect Filipina so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, 'They're looking' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit... not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

'Well, 'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeeee bit... not that you can hardly notice...cross-eyed.'

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, 'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry.'

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law, asking how such a thing could happen, considering the beauty of the parents.

'Well,' explained the farmer, 'She was just a weeeeee bit... not that you could hardly notice... PREGNANT when you met her.'

[angel]

Teacher: Paul. Give me a sentence beginning with "I".
Paul: I is the...

Teacher: No, Paul . You must say "I am" not "I is."
John: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

[angel]

Darren remembers accompanying his father out shopping in the toy department of Hamleys one Christmas Eve.

Dad said, 'What a marvellous train set. I'll buy it.'

The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, 'Great, I'm sure your son will really love it.'

Dad replied with a glint in his eye, 'Maybe you're right. In that case I'll take two.'

[jadegil6]

Puns

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was assaulted.

5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

9. The patient says, "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." the Doc says. Then he asks, "Does this happen everyday?" The patient replies, "It's Not Unusual."

10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's Have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the stakes are too high."

15. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender ?"

[angel]

GIRL OR BOY!!!

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.
A: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
B: I’m not. I’m her mother.

[angel]

THE BIGGEST LIE

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”

One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

[cheryz]

TEACHER: What are you writing?
PUPIL: A letter to myself.
TEACHER: What does it say?
PUPIL: I don't know. I won't get it till tomorrow.

TEACHER: Where is your pencil, Harmon?
PUPIL: I ain't got none.
TEACHER: How many times have I told you not to say that, Harmon? Now listen: I do not have a pencil. You do not have a pencil. They do not have a pencil. Now, do you understand?
PUPIL: Not really. What happened to all the pencils?

TEACHER: Want to hear the story about the broken pencil?
PUPIL: No, thanks, I'm sure it has no point.

TEACHER: Why do they say the pen is mightier than the sword?
PUPIL: Because no one has yet invented a ballpoint sword.

TEACHER: Dorothy, what did you write your report on?
PUPIL: A piece of paper.

Fred did a report about the phone book.
He wrote: "This book hasn't got much of a plot, but boy, what a cast!"

Mrs. Johnson asked the class to write a composition about what they would do if they had a million dollars. Everyone except Fannie began to write. Fannie twiddled her thumbs and looked out the window.
When Mrs. Johnson collected the papers, Fannie's sheet was blank. "Fannie," said Mrs. Johnson, "everyone has written two pages or more, but you've done nothing. Why is that?"
"Nothing is what I'd do," replied Fannie, "if I had a million dollars."

TEACHER : Fred, your ideas are like diamonds.
FRED: You mean they're so valuable?
TEACHER: No, I mean they're so rare.

TEACHER: Fred, the story you handed in called "Our Dog," is exactly like your brother's.
FRED: Of course. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Your poem is the worst in the class. It's not only ungrammatical, it's rude and in bad taste. I'm going to send your father a note about it.
PUPIL: I don't think that would help, teacher. He wrote it.

[jadegil6]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1 st woman: Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[angel]

Do you know
how it feels to love
someone who doesnt
love you ?
.
.
.
.
.
Its like
waiting for a boat at the airport

[angel]

A Poetry Competition asked For A 2-Line
Rhyme With d Most Romantic 1st Line &
the Least Romantic 2nd Line

There's the Winning Rhymes

My darling, My Love,My Beautiful Wife
Marrying you Ruined,My Whole Life

I see your Face When I m Dreaming
That's Why I Always Wake Up Screaming

Kind Intelligent, Loving & Hot
This Describes Everything You are Not

I Love your Smile, your Face & your Eyes
Damn, I'm Very Good At Telling Lies