JOKER'S CORNER

[angel]

the first three years of marriage.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year of marriage, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors

[angel]

Factory Workers

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

[jadegil6]

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!


Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!


I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!


I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!


Old age is coming at a really bad time!


When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!



The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."



Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail
when I finally snap!


I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.


My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.


Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.



If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.


The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".


I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!


I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.


I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!


Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!


Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.


Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.


At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.


Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... That makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad.

[cheryz]

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious," the saleslady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

[Smiley]

(1) A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

(2) A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah." The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

[jadegil6]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just
walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a
gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of
chickens and a goose.
Outside the store he realized he now had a problem - how to carry all his
purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who
told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to there.
I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley, we'll be
there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the
alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your
way with me?
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of
paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you
up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[Smiley]

On the way home after watching a ballet performance, the kindergarten teacher asked her students what they thought of it. The smallest girl in the class said she wished the dancers were taller so that they would not have to stand on their toes all the time.

[jadegil6]

The government of China announced today, that they would be removing all telephones from their country. After 6 months of hard lobbying, the organization for Independent Speech has convinced Chinese politicians to take this action.

They argued that there are too many Wings and Wongs and that many people are becoming annoyed when others Wing the Wong number.

[Smiley]

The local police bust into a backroom café in a small village and discover the priest, minister and rabbi all playing poker.
Police: “Father O’Reilly, were you gambling?”
Father O’Reilly: (after silently whispering, ‘forgive me Lord’) “No. Of course not. I was not gambling”.
Police: “Pastor, Jackson, were you gambling?”
Pastor Jackson: (after silently whispering, ‘forgive me Lord’) “No. Of course not. I was not gambling”.
Police: “Well then, Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?”
Rabbi Goldstein: (after a shrug of the shoulders), “with whom?”

[Smiley]

Here is a joke that a filipina played on her husband:

A westerner asked his Filipina wife what is the secret to a filipinas heart. She replied "ambot". He asked her what that meant and she smiled and said "I don't know".
He spent a whole day asking everybody he met what it meant,they all smiled and said "I don't know". When he got home he was getting frustrated that nobody seemed to know what it meant!