JOKER'S CORNER

[jadegil6]

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.
"Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having" he asked.
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new truck."
"Is that so!" And with a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

[jadegil6]

How I Lost My Teeth

I was sitting at the bar drinking a beer when a big old country girl came up behind me and slapped me on the back.

When I turned around, she said, "How about giving me your number so I can call you up sometime, Mr Sexy?

I looked her up and down and said, "Do you have a pen?"

She said, "I sure do, Honey."

I said, "Then you better get back in it before the farmer sees that you're missing."

My dental surgery is scheduled for next week.

[jadegil6]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
‘About 32,’ is the reply.’
‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is gone. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’
She reluctantly agrees. He squeezes her breasts for about ten minutes and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’
‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

[jadegil6]

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the highway coming home from work. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out, and reached in the side compartment.
I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them, and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic.
They looked so life-like you wouldn't believe it!
They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nudity to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my life-like men. And of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody beeped their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the heck are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him......
"Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

[jadegil6]

An elderly man was living alone in Cebu City, and he wanted to plant his annual vegetable garden. But it was very difficult work, and the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man sent a note to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Paul,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over because I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a reply from his son:
Dear Dad,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love, Paul

At 4 a.m. the next morning, the local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another note from his son:
Dear Dad,
You can go ahead and plant your vegetables now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Paul

[jadegil6]

A man was driving down the road when the stop light turned yellow just in front of him.
He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him.
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally ......
I assumed you had stolen the car.''

[jadegil6]

A new supermarket opened near my house.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before the mister turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying on the stove.
The veggie department features the smell of freshly buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore...

[jadegil6]

A teenager went up to his father and starting telling him he was in love, met the girl of his dreams. The girl was Rebecca who lived three doors from them. His father told him that he couldn't date that girl because she was his half-sister, but don't tell his mother. Saddened, the teen walked away.

Weeks later, the teen found his father to tell him about another girl he's fallen in love with. Josie was the girl of his dreams, better than Rebecca and she lived four doors away. Again, his father told him that he couldn't date her because she was his half-sister, but don't tell his mother. disgusted, the teen walked away.

The same thing happened several times throughout the weeks that followed. Finally, the teen so depressed and angry, went to his mother. He said "MOM I don't know what to do, I can't date anyone. Every girl around here is my half-sister. Dad told me not to tell you, but I've had it."

His mother said "Son, you can date any girl you want. He is NOT really your father."

[jadegil6]

I got pulled over on the highway for going 7 mph over the speed limit.
As the officer started walking up to my truck, I rolled my windows down .....
At that exact moment, my adorable and apparently INCREDIBLY smart 7 yr old daughter started screaming from the backseat:
“It’s coming out!!!!!”
“I can’t hold it any longer, Daddy!”
“It’s almost here!!!!!!!! Please Daddy!!”
Now the trooper is HEARING her scream this....
and he stands up on my brush guard, leans in the window, and asks her “What’s going on here???”
She looks him straight in the face,
And says “I’ve got poop coming outta my butt.
He started laughing.
I must have looked shocked and embarrassed.
He asked how far I had to go, which was about 2 miles to our home. He told me to drive safe and get Miss Thang home to do her business. He could NOT stop laughing.
As soon as we pulled away I asked her, “What the hell was that about???”
This kid smirked and said, “I saw it on YouTube, but I didn’t think it would work”.
I said, “So...... You're not pooping ?”
She said nope and you're not in trouble either.

[jadegil6]

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where
it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.