JOKER'S CORNER

[jadegil6]

An old prospector named Ralph, shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
Old Ralph headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood
there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young
gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a
bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey
old man, have you ever danced?"

Ralph looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance..
never really wanted to.."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old
fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's
feet.

The old prospector Ralph- not wanting to get a toe blown off - started
hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing,
fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still
laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the
saloon.

Old Ralph turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled
shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very
slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the
large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in Old Ralph's hands, as he
quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's butt?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir...... but... I've
always wanted to."


There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

[jadegil6]

Subject: My daughter said:
My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry and give it to the poor. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house”. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.

Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said....

"Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."

[jadegil6]

The New Dentures
On Friday the Pastor went to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The next Sunday, he could only talk for ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains:
The first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

But, the third Sunday, by mistake, he put his wife's teeth in, and couldn't shut up...

[jadegil6]

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but,
I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then
he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb
so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office
and asked, 'What in the name of goodness are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me,
the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home, too. "I can't work in the dark".

[jadegil6]

TEN GUIDELINES FOR FINDING THE RIGHT WOMAN

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.



2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.



3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.



4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.



5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.



6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.



7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.



8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.



9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.



10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other.
Sincerely,
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

[tom]

TEN GUIDELINES FOR FINDING THE RIGHT WOMAN

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.



2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.



3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.



4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.



5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.



6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.



7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.



8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.



9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.



10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other.
Sincerely,
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

hmmm, did arnold really say that???

right now, i think i'd be overjoyed with any combination of numbers 9, 8, 5 and 6...

anything in addition to 9,8,5 and 6 i'd consider to be an added bonus...a wonderful luxury

[tom]

and now to balance things out: here's a joke for children... (of any age)

----------------------------------

tommy: "how do sailors on boats and ships clean their uniforms???"

mae: "they throw their uniforms overboard... so they can be washed ashore"

[jadegil6]

It takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a tech-school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly occasionally.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: The left, inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
************************************
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
************************************
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
************************************
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
************************************
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
************************************
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
************************************
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
************************************
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
************************************
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
************************************
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
************************************
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
************************************
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, to fly right and to be serious.
************************************
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
************************************
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
************************************
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

[jadegil6]

Best Military Quote:

"When I joined the military it was illegal to be in the service and be a homosexual.
Then it became optional. (Don't Ask, Don't Tell)
And now it is legal.
I'm getting out before they make it mandatory."

Sgt Harry Berres, USMC

[Edwin]

The driver has a passenger telling him where to go as he didn't know the way. The passenger said, "Turn right here." What he meant was turn here, but turn left.

This really happened to a friend of mine, and actually he became a relate by married before he died, marrying my mother-in-law. Anyway he was riding with a friend of his who was a joker. He pulled up to a stop sign, and as he could see as well as the passenger, he asked him if anyone one was coming. There used to be a joking phrase that people would use when asked that question. They would say, "Nothing but a freight train." His friend came out with that, only, the only thing the driver heard, was nothing, and he was a hot driver, so he gunned it, and pulled right out in front of a coming car. Avoidance was used, so there was no wreck, but the driver told his friend, "Don't you ever do that to me again!" It was a well meant funny, that turned rather serious!