no pro-divorce argument
Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2011 6:04 pmLike abortion, nobody is for divorce. Everybody gets married thinking that they have met somebody who is trustworthy, who thrills them, who they have seen their inner soul and know that this is forever. And yet, divorce happens. In the USA and some other countries the solution to failed partnerships is divorce, in the Philippines it is "my husband went to Manila". But in every case, the marriage has failed to "work".
Divorce in most places is not the end of a marriage, it is justice in the ending. A judge tries to decide what is fair in the separation of assets and liabilities, left over from the partnership.
Marriages fail at rates very similar the world over, from 29-40%. Today in the USA failure rates are higher than they have ever been in history, lots of speculation about why. Some argue that today people expect more from marriages than they ever did before. The idea of "romance" for life is relatively new. The very meaning of what is marriage has changed.
Love, to me, is a poor reason to marry. Don't get me wrong, love is important. Mutual goals, or concurrent goals, are good reason. When somebody feels that they have suddenly met the person of their dreams, it might mean that they have met a person that seems compatible to the goals in life they share. All partnerships are about one partner providing something that the other partner is poor in providing. Being stronger together than separately. In marriage, 1+1= 3.
I have visited the Philippines, where, divorce is illegal. I was struck that when I watched people walk down the street, how few I could tell who were married to who. Many husband and wives walked hand in, of those it was simple to determine, and remember when I see them walking alone, if they were married. Others who were married seemed as though romance had died, but the marriage did not. Both committed to raising the children. Both resolved as to which roll in life each was to play as their part in that marriage. Both passing their days dreaming perhaps, of romance returning.
We can debate endlessly as to whether or not romance is critical to a successful marriage, whether the lack of such is reason for divorce. But no debate about wishing to have romance for life, before they marry, and think it reasonable to wait for that person who will keep the romance alive.
Some here think that foreigners marry quickly thinking "if it does not work out I can just get a divorce", I personally never met any of those people. Divorce is VERY costly and stressful. Nobody willingly selects it. There is no pride in it. At first it seems that anger has replaced love, but the truth is closer to, anger has shaded love. When you divorce you hurt many who you love, in exchange for a chance to have a better life for yourself and those you love as well. I also have not met the person who says "he is mine forever no matter what he wants, as, I am now married". Nobody wants a husband, or wife, that is forced into remaining married.
I am a divorced man. I freely admit that I am better off now that I am indeed divorced. I also feel that my ex is better off, and my child as well. Done are the endless nights of stressful talk about issues that simply can not be resolved. Gone is the stress my children feel when a home is constantly in a state of unresolved anger and emotional tension.
For me, I never want to get divorced again, 100% sure. But as with abortion, nobody wants one until you need one.
Joe
Divorce in most places is not the end of a marriage, it is justice in the ending. A judge tries to decide what is fair in the separation of assets and liabilities, left over from the partnership.
Marriages fail at rates very similar the world over, from 29-40%. Today in the USA failure rates are higher than they have ever been in history, lots of speculation about why. Some argue that today people expect more from marriages than they ever did before. The idea of "romance" for life is relatively new. The very meaning of what is marriage has changed.
Love, to me, is a poor reason to marry. Don't get me wrong, love is important. Mutual goals, or concurrent goals, are good reason. When somebody feels that they have suddenly met the person of their dreams, it might mean that they have met a person that seems compatible to the goals in life they share. All partnerships are about one partner providing something that the other partner is poor in providing. Being stronger together than separately. In marriage, 1+1= 3.
I have visited the Philippines, where, divorce is illegal. I was struck that when I watched people walk down the street, how few I could tell who were married to who. Many husband and wives walked hand in, of those it was simple to determine, and remember when I see them walking alone, if they were married. Others who were married seemed as though romance had died, but the marriage did not. Both committed to raising the children. Both resolved as to which roll in life each was to play as their part in that marriage. Both passing their days dreaming perhaps, of romance returning.
We can debate endlessly as to whether or not romance is critical to a successful marriage, whether the lack of such is reason for divorce. But no debate about wishing to have romance for life, before they marry, and think it reasonable to wait for that person who will keep the romance alive.
Some here think that foreigners marry quickly thinking "if it does not work out I can just get a divorce", I personally never met any of those people. Divorce is VERY costly and stressful. Nobody willingly selects it. There is no pride in it. At first it seems that anger has replaced love, but the truth is closer to, anger has shaded love. When you divorce you hurt many who you love, in exchange for a chance to have a better life for yourself and those you love as well. I also have not met the person who says "he is mine forever no matter what he wants, as, I am now married". Nobody wants a husband, or wife, that is forced into remaining married.
I am a divorced man. I freely admit that I am better off now that I am indeed divorced. I also feel that my ex is better off, and my child as well. Done are the endless nights of stressful talk about issues that simply can not be resolved. Gone is the stress my children feel when a home is constantly in a state of unresolved anger and emotional tension.
For me, I never want to get divorced again, 100% sure. But as with abortion, nobody wants one until you need one.
Joe