Getting into the right relationship

[crisipicada]

Many of the people I read here that they are looking for a relationship even they are still married.

Some find a woman because their current relationship or marriage life is not working.

Some are looking for a woman so that when the time that they are finally divorced, then at least they have someone to be with.

What is your idea or conviction in this matter? Do you think it will be a good decision in life that you will be into the relationship while you are still committed to the other one? Others said, marriage is just a piece of paper and why not find love to others if the current relationship is not working?

Do you think it is a right one to find another one at the moment while you still have into marriage life?



Another dilemma that I am on my mind is that WHETHER OR NOT to enter into living in while you are not married. Some said, it is good to live in for a year before marriage and it is good to know each other better? Do you think you will know the true color of the person while you living in? Do you think it is a wise decision? For those who are into it, do you think it will make you happy or make you sad that you decided that kind of situation?

For all of the members, your thought about the matter is very important.

How did you know that you enter into the right relationship? Is it a relationship that is blessed, happy, and full of love?

[Edwin]

There is a lot of good information on this subject, but it is too long and tedioius to copy and paste here. If you would like to read the entire legislative bill, PM me and I will send you the URL so that you can read it. Othewise most of the information is here.


There is a bill in the Washington State Senate proposing that the waiting time for a divorce to be finalized be increased from the present waiting time of 90 days to be extended to a one year wait. I know this is an emotionally charged subject, and what do you think about this effort. The idea is to give couples more time to try to encourage them to reconcile, and thus reducing the negative effects of divorce for children mainly, also tax payers, and family and relatives. Do you think this is a good proposal? This is related to Crisi's post here as she is asking about people looking for another partner while they are in the process of getting a divorce. So, what do you think? We would enjoy reading your thoughts on this subject. Thank you!



Should Divorce Be Harder to Get?
by Joseph Backholm | Executive Director
A bill aimed at lowering divorce rates by extending waiting periods for divorce was introduced in the Washington State Senate last week and is scheduled for a hearing this Friday, February 15th, at 8 am in the Senate Law and Justice Committee.
Currently Washington State requires a couple to wait 90 days before a divorce can be finalized, but SB 5614 would extend that to one year. The one-year period may be waived by the court when either party is convicted of a violent or sexual felony or if one party makes a threat of physical violence against the other party or a minor child.
The bill, with bi-partisan support, also makes information about reconciliation available to couples who have filed for divorce.
The recommendations in the bill came from a study done by William Doherty of the University of Minnesota and Leah Ward Sears, former Supreme Court Justice of the Georgia State Supreme Court. Their study, and the accompanying recommendations, is billed as the Family Second Chances Act.
Their study found that about 40% of couples in divorce proceedings have one or both spouses interested in reconciliation.
Even a modest reduction in divorce rates nationwide would benefit more than 400,000 children each year and would provide significant cost savings to taxpayers.
For example:
Increasing the share of adolescents living with two biological parents to the 1970 level...would mean that 643,264 fewer children would repeat a grade. Increasing the share of adolescents in two-parent families to the 1960 level suggests that nearly three-quarters of a million fewer children would repeat a grade. Similarly, increasing marital stability to its 1980 level would result in nearly half a million fewer children suspended from school, about 200,000 fewer children engaging in delinquency or violence, a quarter of a million fewer children receiving therapy, about a quarter of a million fewer smokers, about 80,000 fewer children thinking about suicide, and about 28,000 fewer children attempting suicide.[1]
The study also analyzed the generational impact of reducing divorce. Sociologist Nicholas Wolfinger, of the University of Utah, found that divorce increased children's chance of someday ending their own marriages by at least 50 percent. Further, grown children of divorce were 50 percent more likely to marry other children of divorce. If they did so, their increased risk of divorce was 200 percent greater than couples in which neither spouse came from a divorced family.[2]
Nationwide, scholars estimated that divorce and out-of-wedlock childbearing costs U.S. taxpayers at least $112 bil­lion every year.[3]
While the divorce problem runs much deeper than policy makers can reach, it is encouraging to see elected officials providing leadership by acknowledging the seriousness of the issue.
If you have thoughts on this proposal to make divorce more difficult to obtain, you are encouraged to attend the hearing or contact your legislators.

What do you think? Thank you for your response!

[Edwin]

I hope I don't shock too many of you by telling all of this, but maybe it will help some of you have some better ideas. Thank you for being kind to me, in your opinions of me, my wife, Carol, and our life together. I don't know if what I am telling is normal, but it is our life, and our experience, so here it is.

What we want as individuals is not as important as doing what God wants us to do. We may have temptations to do what we think might feel good for us, but unless it is God's way it is not good for us. For the ones of us who are married we can't look for a relationship. We can have friendship, and support each other in life, but we can't entertain a romantic type relationship.

The current relationship or marriage in life may not be working, but still it is more important to do what God wants us to do. I had a fifth grade elementary teacher who justified her divorce and remarriage by saying that she thought that she deserved to be happy. Of course she was not a Christian, so I don't think she cared about what God thought about what she was doing.

Carol is a wonderful person and a wonderful Christian. She is very generous with the kids and the grandkids. Carol has been very good to me and kind. She helps me and supports me in anyway that she can. She does the best job she can in taking care of my clothing, keeping the wash done, and so on. She also does a wonderful job of cooking for me, and she is health conscious because of her health problems, so the result is that we have healthy food to eat. She does the best she can taking care of herself, paying attention to what the doctor tells her as well as taking her medications faithfully. Carol is kind to me, supports me emotionally. When I am sad she encourages me. When I was in trouble with the kids a year ago, she told me she was right there in it with me, so if I was in trouble, I was not alone because she told me she was with me in it. So, she is as kind to me and supportive as a mother would be, and I could not wish for anything more from her in that way.

Carol is strong willed, and strong opinionated, and she decides what is good for me, and whether or not I like it, I have no choice if I want to stay in a happy marriage. Years past we had a difference of opinion on the family that we wanted, and I didn't get the kind of family I wanted because Carol didn't want as many kids as I wanted, but by now that doesn't matter. Also she was getting ready to have her tubes tied, and she knew that I would not like that, so she lied to me about what she was going to have done, but then her conscience bothered her, so she told me what she was going to do. I begged her not to do that, but she was defiant, and did it anyway which ended my chances of having the family that I wanted. After this many years that no longer even matters.

Carol will not sleep with me, and that upsets me as well. She has the excuse that her feet bother her and she can't stand to have them under the covers, and also, she doesn't like having as many covers on top of her as I want. She also can't stand to have us snuggle with each other, and I like that. I want to lay against her, but that is out of the question. Also she decides how often we should have sex, and it is on a schedule, and whatever I want is just too bad. Well, that is the bad news. If I would not go along with her ideas on this we would have a divorce, but neither one of us believes in divorce, but she will not budge. So I have taken the attitude that I will pray to the Lord about it all, and even if I have to give in and let her have her way, I will do that to keep peace and keep our marriage together. I hope I haven't told you too much or been to blunt. I also don't want you to think that I don't love Carol because I do. I believe in "Until death parts us," so I will just keep praying to the Lord, and trusting in Him to take care of me and take care of Carol.

Our kids almost made us leave this place about a year ago, and Carol and I both were badly hurt by that, and Carol and I hung together and supported each other during that time. Things are still not good, and our daughter will not talk to me, nor does she want to be around me at all, because of what I said to her as a result of her threatening to make us move. So, I asked Carol several times if she died, if she thought that our daughter would try to kick me off this place. She said that she didn't think our daughter would make me leave as that situation with our other kids has changed somewhat. Then she asked me why I kept asking her what would happen if she died! She asked me if I thought she was going to die? I hope and pray not, but because of our problems with our daughter and Carol's poor health in the back of my mind it was a concern, and I felt better talking with her about that.

Well, I hope I have not overstepped my bounds by talking about this. It is like sometimes a person will get rid of their mate because they are unhappy about 10 percent, then they will get someone and recover that 10 percent, but they will lose the 90 percent, and I think that is true, so I will be staying with Carol, and I will live with things the way they are as well as talking to the Lord about that, and depending on Him to help me.
I have heard the excuse that people have to live with each other before marriage to get to know each other better, but I don't accept that. I don't believe that is God's way. I don't believe it is acceptable for a Christian to live with the other before marriage.

I have seen couples live together without marriage, then get married, and divorce right away, so living in doesn't help guarantee being able to stay together. It is not God's way. I think it is morally wrong; wrong according to God's word to live together without marriage.

In the earlier years of our marriage we fought quite a bit, but we had better intimacy, slept together, and sex for the most part was often and happy, but that has changed the last few years. In all other ways we get along beautifully with no fighting at all, and we do love, cherish, support, and protect each other. I have been really honest, maybe too honest, and telling too much,but here it is, the good, the bad, and the ugly! I do love Carol! Because we have problems I don't want anyone to think we don't love each other. I have decided for the sake of having peace, and keeping our marriage together to just live with things the way they are without complaining, and then I talk with the Lord about it all.

[crisipicada]

Congratulations, Sir. Wow I salute you for being understanding, loving, mature and godly husband to Ma'am Carol. More blessings, Sir. Hope I can find a husband like you.

[Edwin]

Thank you, Crisi, for the congratulations and the blessings! I hope and pray that you can also, Crisi!

[red]

There could various reasons why some people hunt some possible mate before their divorce be final. It could be they are afraid to be alone and lonely and some just date to have someone to talk. Some uses some to cover their heartache. I think it is not okay to get into relationship with someone just having divorce unless he is ready to get into another relationship and is completely over with pain and ready to move on.
Better be of open heart and mind with no grudges left from past relationships before entering to new one. I hope i make sense here.

[Edwin]

A situation just like we are taking about took place in the family that raised Carol over a period of years. There were two brothers, and one was a close friend of my parents, as well as being neighbors for many years. Before I went to the first grade elementary I stole some Christmas light bulbs from them, but that is another story, and I might tell that some time. Another funny thing is that they asked me to pray over the meal before I could talk well, and when I prayed, I prayed, "We fight you for this food." They asked me to pray because they heard it before and thought it was funny. Then after I finished praying they all laughed, which maybe wasn't very nice, but I know God understood! Anyway this brother and his family lived just a few miles from where we are living now, and we lived just a few miles the other direction with very few people living between. They were also good Christians, at the time, but sad backslid, with later drinking and chasing women, but that's another story, with his wife getting the preach to go with her to get her husband out of the bar after he was drunk. I think, no doubt he came back to the Lord and got his life straightened out; I hope that, pray that, and believe that as well.

Any before the brother's mother died, she asked Carol's aunt to look out for, and take care of her son. So this guy for many years came over to their house, ate with, and visited with them. He was a very nice guy, a talented house builder, and we all loved him. He was a Christian with a wonderful testimony. After he died our youngest daughter suggested they bury his Bible with him, which they did, as it was a symbol of what his life stood for. Anyway some, including Carol, thought that there were feelings, hopes, and dreams between this guy and her aunt. Nothing was ever said, but that was the impression that many people had. He was lonely, and they took him in to visit and have company with. It was a good thing. After Carol's uncle died this guy and Carol's aunt got married. Then they had a few good years before he died of cancer. Immediately after his death she had a stroke, recovered a little, but suffered in a wheel chair the remaining 5 or so years that she lived.

Everything was above board in the friendships and family relationships. I don't think there were any bad feelings ever or jealously involved. The only fighing that went on was over church biblical doctrine. One thought that the Lord was going to return before the tribulation, and the other thought that the Lord was going to return after the tribulation, and they would pound the table and yell at each other about this doctrinal difference. Well, they are both dead now, so I have a feeling that they now know what the truth is!

[crisipicada]

Many of the people I read here that they are looking for a relationship even they are still married.

Some find a woman because their current relationship or marriage life is not working.

Some are looking for a woman so that when the time that they are finally divorced, then at least they have someone to be with.

What is your idea or conviction in this matter? Do you think it will be a good decision in life that you will be into the relationship while you are still committed to the other one? Others said, marriage is just a piece of paper and why not find love to others if the current relationship is not working?

Do you think it is a right one to find another one at the moment while you still have into marriage life?



Another dilemma that I am on my mind is that WHETHER OR NOT to enter into living in while you are not married. Some said, it is good to live in for a year before marriage and it is good to know each other better? Do you think you will know the true color of the person while you living in? Do you think it is a wise decision? For those who are into it, do you think it will make you happy or make you sad that you decided that kind of situation?

For all of the members, your thought about the matter is very important.

How did you know that you enter into the right relationship? Is it a relationship that is blessed, happy, and full of love?

It is so unfair that the woman or man will look for another partner while they are still committed. It is only showing the true nature of human being that they do not exercise faith in God because they are SIGURISTA. Why not trust the Lord for the woman or man for your life?

I understand how hard to be alone, but the point is you are saving your life from destruction and God does not want to hurt you emotionally, physically and spiritually. I am thankful for the Word of God that He reminds me of many decisions to be very careful with. i am just human being and I / we have weaknesses too. By the grace of God we will be able to choose what is right and pleasing to God.

Do you think those who are emotionally afflicted are not suffering from pain? Many who have engage into relationship without a father and got pregnant really suffer emotionally. The Bible says, there is guilt in their hearts, that is why they cannot be happy unless they give it to the Lord and start all over again. I know that those who have impregnated outside marriage suffer a lot and have many pains because I knew friends who suffer that. They are ashame to go outside having a big tummy without a husband, people here telling them they are cheap and it is immoral. It is just like that. So, it is my prayer that God will protect me even to the point of not into marriage. I will face Him in Judgement for sure.

[Edwin]

Yes, Crisi, we will all face God in judgement and that is a very sobering idea. We have to live according to the will of God. We want to do what we want to do for a number of reasons, but we can't do what we want to do if it is wrong, because like you said pain and suffering is the result. Crisi, we don't have that kind of stigma in the USA because people morals have dropped so low that they are not ashamed of wrong living or the results. We are observing someone close to us now who you might say sowed to the wind, and now they are reaping the whirlwind, and it happens, and it is very sad. You are right; the only thing they can do is give it all to God and start over. God is not mocked whatever a man or woman sows, that shall he or she reap. We all are subject to human weakness, and we all have the possibility to fall. One of my Bible College Instructors many years ago, said, "Don't throw stones at the ones who have fallen," because he said that he had seen those who threw the stones fall themselves." We just need to be thankful for God's help, and look to Him to protect us from evil, and its painful effects!

[m&m]

Having a relationship with God will help you heal your pain at heart. I experience that. Before, it is hard for me to move on and try to be bitter. But now, my heart is more of compassion, and those people that hurt me, I pray for them that God will guide them and desire to be honest and true to each other. It is not good to hurt someone.

It is unfair, that you cheat someone, not only that, how do you feel if you are in his/her situation? do you think you can take the pain? How would you react? So, place yourself on this so that you will be able to know and understand.