problems and love

[mystic]

There are people who actually like to fight to feel alive. They think that to be true and honest they have to be harsh. My ex wife was so, for example. She hated people being gentle, saying that they were not true. Love was a very boring thing. But after fighting (always for naught or imaginary things), she "felt" love more.

For other people, problems in the relation are like a cold shower. I am like this. My brain goes into a short circuit and I cannot have other feelings. But inside I can still love the person. I just lose the "feeling" pr the intensity. And it lopks extremely difficult to control a short circuited mind filling it with the correct feelings.

What type of person are you? How do you behave and react?

[crisipicada]

You are just confuse. You have mix emotion at the moment and that you cannot think well. Also, you must understand that if you are in a state of emotionally high or low, then it is naturally make wrong decisions. Why? Because you base your decisions on how you feel.

If the case maybe that you are in the state of emotionally high or low and still you are in the right track with God, means you are seeking His guidance, then He will show you the right thing to do.

It is easy to love a woman who love you too. If the woman decides not to love you and wanted to do her own way, then God has already answered your prayer. that means that she is not for you.. there maybe instances that in the later years she will realize and if God really meant for you to be together, then you must seek His guidance still.. Do not lose hope, God is in control. Pray to Him and give everything to Him. That means , when you prayed already, do not make your own decision but leave everything to Him. If He show you the way as you constantly seeking, then go for it.

I am the type of person to refrain talking to someone just in case my relationship to God is being neglected. I mean, I try to get back on track with Him if things that I give already to the person. Like spending to much or doing a lot of things beyond what is suppose to seek first in Life. Like seeking Him first...

Hope it will enlighten you.

God speed and Keep up the faith. He is always there for you.

[Edwin]

Crisi, you have some really great points that you have made. Seeking for God's guidance is above all in important. You made a really good point about not making a decision when in a high or low emotional state. A person making a decision at that time will be sorry for the decision that is made, because you can't make a good decision unless you are in a stable emotional state. So, don't make a decision when you are too happy or when you are too sad, as it will not work.

The family that I grew up in, there was no fighting, no yelling, no bad things said, and it was just a perfect home with my Mom and Dad loving and respecting each other, and trying to cultivate peace among all the family members. In the family that Carol grew up in there was lots of fighting and putting each other down. I think it is better when people love each other. The Bible says that a soft answer turns away wrath, and I think that is the better way. "Speak softly, and carry a big stick!" No, I'm just kidding! It is the best when people love and respect each other enough so that everyone can be happy and treat each other right!

I don't agree that being outspoken and being harsh with words is necessary for love. I think honest communication is important, but it is good to keep it civil, no threatening, so temper flares, no bad words, just calmly talking things out, and being loving about the whole experience!

[mystic]

Thanks, I know, both refraining from taking decisions and good communication are a must in down time.

Just in case, I was just doing some general talk. There is no relation to my current situation.

However, I have to say that I learned to have an extraordinary patience in everything, as I have gone through situations that could easily drive a man crazy. I also learned to raise my thoughts to the Lord, in every context of life. So, I usully let God work. Sometimes I have trouble understandind His message or wish, but I know that time will show me. What I just feel in the down moments is a dampening of my usual lovely mood, and I cannot command it to come back through patience, prayer, etc., for a while. Patience cannot avoid being shook up and experiencing sadness. But at least my worry is very limited, because I leave it in God's hands.

Concerning good communication, I have to say that men usually think like that. They are direct, simple, want to see things clear. Women, on the contrary, are often unsure. They can think one thing and say another, or have many fears and changes in mood tgat lead them to say contrasting things. So it is easily said rather than done. In my actual situation, when I say that I want to speak honestly, out of heart, I just get the answer that I am lying. So conversation does not even begin.

I think there is a third category of people. Some have a hidden agenda and apply it scientifically in a very cold way. No matter what, you are wrong. If you try to discuss something, you are doing psychological violence. If you want to do something they don't like, you lack culture, are crazy, have ancient unresolved problems, etc. And they stop in front of nothing to do their selfish desires. I don't think these people are really capable of feeling or living a genuine love. It is just a word like another that happened to pass in their mouths.

[red]

Problems can be overwhelming. Couples argue scream each other when there are problems. They become enemies when there are problems and when there is lots of money they are honeys.
Couples,,,,wake up! you are partners in good or bad. Before I flare up easy. My husband did not like it esp if i don't talk a word. But horray I changed and I learned to talk about my every thoughts and feelings to my husband. Thanks to the Lord.
Men take note, scientifically women tend to be moody and irritable when their period is coming, it varies though, try to observe it maybe you will understand women more.

[Edwin]

Yes, Red, it is important for all of us to be more understanding. To realize what is causing the problems is half of the battle! We might have hard things happening to us that source is not the couple but outside pressure of some kind, or disappointments. It is always good to take people in reference to what is happening to them, and not to just assume that they are being difficult for no good reason!

[crisipicada]

My sister is married to a Pastor. I heard one time, in the message of pastor, he said "You know, in marriage life, there are really misunderstanding and problems. But me and my wife (my sister) already know that, if we have misunderstanding, we never say SEPARATION or "divorce" because we knew already that it is not the will of God. "

This is what I want also in marriage life. guys, we struggle with our emotion. Do not say something bad of hurt things because there are misunderstanding. I have learned that, when we have misunderstanding with my mama and brothers, I learn to say, We will pray for the situation and seek God's guidance and will. Then, it makes our heart healed than to retaliate and it creates heartache.

If the person give me heartache, it makes me sick because I struggle with my emotion a lot and I cannot breathe.

[Edwin]

Life is full of problems, and we have to deal with them, which sometimes is not easy! Misunderstandings do happen, and good communication helps to clear up those misunderstandings. As you said, Crisi, it doesn't help the marriage partner feel more secure to tell him/her that, "Let's get a divorce," or "I am going to leave you, if you do that again," and other such things. It helps the relationship if the words divorce and separation are not used.

A lack of kindness and saying harsh things is a form of abuse, and is cruelty. When unkind things are said, it is easy to be affected emotionally. I have had problems since living here, because I have had unkind things said to me, and without cause, and then the person involved has refused to be forgiving, and it has caused problems in our family. They think I have been offensive, but they have refused to be forgiving, and they have carried grudges for years while we have lived here. I have spent so much money setting up to live here, that I can't afford to move anywhere else, so we are kind of stuck. The person involved doesn't want to be around me at all, and that has helped me because she is not over her constantly upsetting me, and I hear what you are saying, Crisi, about being affected emotionally. When someone is mean to me, I feel weak, I shake, my voice is affected, and it literally knocks the life out of me. Like I say she is not over her constantly making me feel badly, so I am much better off. I have to give it to the Lord, because it is the other person's choice to stay away from me, and not want me around her either. I could explain everything, but it would require 100 pages! Basically it involves our daughters. I have helped our youngest daughter, and the other two resented that, and that is what it is all about. The one twin has resolved things with both me and our youngest daughter, but the other daughter is determined to remain hateful both towards me and her youngest sister, and all I can do is be forgiving and leave the rest to God. Then it is between her and God how she feels about me.

[mystic]

Controlling oneself is a great things to ease problems. If everybody controls himself, there will be no fight, and things will be discussed easier.

But stopping one's emotions leads to an implosion in our inner self. We accumulate sadness, wrath, and we get sick and feel bad.

I think we should realize that God made us with right and left side, i.e. good and evil. Evil tries to rebel to God, but at the end it is His servant. So, we don't have just to stop our emotions. We have to make so that they serve us. This means, we have to let them flow in the right way, in a way that helps us instead of knocking us down.

I think everybody heard about a fashion in the past: they made rooms where people could come in and smash everything to get free of their wrath. Instead of imploding inside, it is much better to go out, cut the wood, take a stick and hit something strong on the road with all your wrath, etc. This means physical exercise. Try to discharge the excess of the bad feeling, then go back inside the house. I bet you won't argue like before.

With practice, one is able to sublimate his anger and use that implosion energy to be more aggressive in a job interview, in a hard day of work, etc. That's controlled output... There is not only controlled calm. It's not one way only, it's two ways, so there is also controlled output.

In my view, all situations that require control are minor sins. Everything that becomes flawed with darkness (discussions, yelling, drunk people, etc.) is a minor sin, because you always have a chance to improve. It becomes a mayor sin when "you chop the roots" and do decisions that cannot be fixed anymore. This is separation, or divorce, for example.

[Aya]

I have my problems and I hate my lovelife!!!! =)