Negative Tendencies in Dating

[crisipicada]

Have anyone tried to go to groceries while you are so hungry and you just pick those groceries because they all look good? Have you tried also picking up a cart that is not good and picking the one that swerve to direction that is against you?
I have tried that, and I spent a lot of money because I wanted to eat a lot since I was so hungry. There are so many time or at all time when I am in the grocery store, I pick up a cart that is swerver. So even I wanted to have that rules to not to go to the groceries when hungry and pick the good cart but my rules will always not followed.

I am saying that dating is not good or it is bad to any relationships. I believe that sinful and selfish people are the cause of sinful and selfish relationships, it is the wrong attitudes and values that make for defective dating . Today, system of dating as we know it grew out of a culture that it is mostly self-centered and immoral. The store that sells cigarettes will not force anyone to buy cigarette and is not caused addiction, the store is a place created so that people can have a place to buy cigarette and be addicted to it. Getting rid of that store selling cigarette will get rid of the addiction in it but neither would you encourage a friend who was trying to quit cigarette addiction to hang out in stores. The setting of that store would only to facilitate someone to succumb to its temptation. Just like today, system of dating can encourage the sinful desires of our hearts. Dating, no, doesn’t make us sin, neither getting rid of it would solve all the problems in relationships.

I have heard that someone advise that in dating it requires self control. There are many feelings being hurt because they did not have enough self control. How many people not mended hearts and still suffering from the wound in the past relationship that they have been through. Many christian wants to save sex before marriage but they break their rules. Many have promise to do what is right still break it. This is because we human can not do good at all, it is only the walk with God that we can do and by His leading of the Holy Spirit.

Now what are the problems of dating with the system itself now adays? There are habits in dating that really deviate to the wrong direction even how much we try to be in the right direction. I believe that someone can relate to it.

There are times that I am afraid to tell someone that I like him or I have feeling to him. Why? "Because if we actually dating, it might change our friendship". Actually what a person is trying to say is that, when they started dating, it will actually encourage romantic expectation. In true friendship, you don't feel pressured by knowing the person whether she or he likes you by the other person. Or that he or she likes you back. you feel free to be yourself and do things together without spending many hours in mirror making sure you look perfect.

In dating, romantic attraction is often the basis of the relationship is that " I am attracted to you, therefore let us get to know each other". The premise in friendship is that, " We are interested in the same thing and let us enjoy these common interest together." If romantic attraction forms after developing friendship, it is an added bonus. Because "Intimacy without commitment is defrauding, intimacy without friendship is superficial, a relationship based solely on physical attraction and romantic feelings will last only as long as the feelings last."

Usually dating tends to skip the friendship stage of a relationship.

[Smiley]

Those are all good observations. However if we are too afraid to scrape our knees we will never learn to ride a bike.If we dwell too much on how cold the water might be we will never enjoy swimming.
It is important to be aware of the pitfalls that are out there but we also have to be aware of the rewards as well.I`m not talking about a big blind gamble,but rather a series of small calculated risks.One step at a time.Replace the fear with a little well placed caution.Always keep both eyes open and learn to listen to the back of your neck.You are going to be just fine

btw: I often find your posts very refreshing,you sometimes make me stop and think. Thank you

[Edwin]

Crisi's posts are the best! She makes perfect sense! And yes, she does make us think! Those were very good points you made about dating, Crisi! We often get the carts that turn when you push them straight! We try to chose another right away. The stores should not sell addictive and destructive products, but they do, and so we must exercise self control, just as we must with dating. We often thing of the caution, "Don't go grocery shopping when you are hungry!!!!" and often times we do that! There are good reasons not to break God's rules while dating, and you will usually be sorry later. Yes, save sex until after marriage, and you will not be sorry! Follow God's leading through His Holy Spirit, and let Him direct you and your paths! Allow your gf/bf, husband/wife to be your best friend. Don't ever hurt that person. The Bible says that no one ever hated his/her own flesh, and when you are married your partner is your own flesh, so treat with kindness, respect, and love! The marriage is a picture of Jesus and His bride, which we are. Common interests and friendships are a great bonus! Beauty and attraction are great too, but don't doll up until the real person in you can't be recognized. Don't put on the fronts; be yourself. If someone is going to like/love you let them know who they are liking/loving! When I am working I wear clothing that it will not matter if I ruin them. I do always shave, brush my teeth, and comb my hair, but when I am working I get very dirty, so I don't make an effort to clean up unless I am going to town. I wear nice clothing to church, clean and presentable, with a shower, deordorant, and well groomed. If I go to a funeral or wedding I dress a little better that I would even for attending church. Now you know more about me than you wanted to know, huh?

[DavidM]

It is true that many people have hurts from past relationships that may be unhealed, but I say do not limit that pain to romantic relationships only. Even if someone has never been in a committed relationship before they still carry around pains from other relationships. Examples could be hurts from a relationship with mother and father, or betrayals from close friends, or rejections and bullying from enemies. Even further that that is pains that you see other people go through in their relationships. Mother and father could fight and divorce, a friend could have many problems in their relationships, or you can see someone abusing other people by using them for money or sex. All of this will affect how you act in the future if you do not hold every though captive to Christ, and who is perfect at that?

I think that it is important if you see a hurt or sin in someone else’s life to want to help them heal, to comfort them, and to bring them God’s truth. Recognize the problem, yes, but look at it as an opportunity to bring blessing. I think the opposite reaction to that would be to want to guard against the sin or hurt that you see. To set up devotion with God that focuses too much on protecting yourself instead of helping others. God has made it clear that he wants us to love him foremost, but he wants that love shared with others. Love that other person because you love God.

God created love in such a way that it is impossible to do without making yourself vulnerable and open to risk. How can you love someone if you do not put yourself at risk of pain? I heard a really good sermon yesterday on how God created pain for our benefit. The pastor had many reasons listed and backed them up with reasoning from the bible and a little common sense. The one warning that he had though was that many people use pain as a reason not to love God or others, and forget that God endured pain to love us. We must share his sufferings.

Hopefully I didn’t get too much off topic or anything. I don’t really think that dating skips friendship. I think it’s a different kind of friendship. Something much closer and rewarding. One thing that I don’t like about dating though is when it turns into a series of gates of protections that someone must go through to get close. It then becomes a power struggle of who will make themselves more vulnerable first, although I can completely understand how it could get that way.

To me the best indicators to look for would be their walk with God and how they are in discipleship. Not just a profession of faith, but submission. It is that yoke that you will share. Even if someone you meet at first is strong in devotion, they could backslide. There is no way to know certain what will happen in the future unless you are reading God’s prophecy or promise.

[Edwin]

You are correct DavidM, in that relationship problems can happen with all sorts of relationships; fathers and sons, fathers and daughters, mothers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, co-workers, friends, members in organizations, and on and on.

Crisi is correct when she said, "I believe that sinful and selfish people are the cause of sinful and selfish relationships, it is the wrong attitudes and values that make for defective dating ." Friendship first without feeling pressures and having worries, allowing the people to be themselves. Then romance and intimacy when it is in God's timing is the right approach. The idea that telling another person of feelings you have for them might change things in the relationship is a valid concern. Yes, there is that risk. Two people have to figure each other out enough to know whether it is wise to communicate feelings for the other person or not. This is a hard call, and it there is risk involved. When I was a very young guy I wanted things to work out with someone for me, and me for them, but until I met Carol it didn't work out. Carol and I had known about each other all our lives, but we really didn't know each other. We really didn't date at all, except I went to eat dinner at her parents' house each Sunday for a few weeks. Then one evening after a church gathering at a camping ground in the mountains, I asked her if she wanted to marry me, and she said she did, so the end of the following month we got married, and that will be 44 years ago the end of August.

[MikeP92563]

Crisi, you have an amazing perspective on this, and I agree completely that without friendship first once the initial attraction fades, so will the relationship. I believe very much as you say that common interest is vital in any relationship. Certainly two people can enjoy each other in the romantic stage, but I suppose the larger question is can they enjoy each other just as much while camping or fishing or hiking for a few examples. If they share the passion for the same activities, then if attraction follows, the relationship will be built on a firm foundation. Perhaps people get the wrong ideas from dating. As Crisi says, the store sells cigarettes, but they do not force anyone to buy them, but rather it is a matter of choice to do what is right. But maybe the cigarettes just like the initial physical attraction of two people dating are there for temptation, to see who is strong to refuse them and who may be weak and fall to the imediate pleasures while not caring about the reprecussions of the long term. Anything that is good and wholesome and pure and keeping with the Divine plan is worth waiting for. Too often we "rush in" overwhelmed by the initial attraction, but soon there is nothing under us to keep it going... A complicated thing for sure.

[Edwin]

This is kind of funny because we have all heard about common interests as a base for a relationship, and we think they have a better chance if they have common interests. But, years ago there was a theory floating around that says opposites attract. That idea said that if two people had too many interests in common they would become bored with each other but if they had different interests that would keep life interesting for both of them. I don't really know which is true, but I do know that the Bible warns us that we are not to be unequally yoked together. So when chosing a partner, the believer should choose a believer, and there have been lots of troubles for people because they did not do that. As long as two people believe in God, our Lord Jesus Christ as our Savior, and living a holy life that is enough, I think, for similarities in belief. If they are from different religious backgrounds I think that is okay as long as they repect each other and their beliefs and don't make issues of the differences. Carol and I have the same beliefs in God, Jesus, salvation, and so on. Carol likes the spinning, knitting, and crocheting, and I don't care about those things, and don't want to spend my time that way. Carol loves to read. I will only read my Bible, and reading material necessary to learn about something I need to do, or if it is required for a class that I happen to be taking. Carol loves those murder mysteries, and I don't care anything about them, but I will watch them with her because she wants me to. Sometimes Carol says that if she says that she likes something, then I will say I don't like it, and that is pretty much true, that we don't have the same tastes for many things. We both pretty much like the same foods, except I will not eat any of that artificial sugar stuff. I need the real sugar, which is a problem for her because she is a diabetic. I also can eat my food without any sugar or with less sugar, and it tastes good to me!

[crisipicada]

Bobong and Lorna were two mature Christians. They have ministry in the church and very active one. When they had their first date, they never meant to make out with each other on their first date. ” It is impossible that Lorna would have done that”, her friend said. Bobong is a Bible student, “I believe he cannot do that”, his friend commented. While dating to the part, they ended up together and then they kissed and then they felt it so right.

May relationships, its introduction of physical affection added confusion. At the very first place, Bobong and Lorna had not known each other but they felt close very soon. Many relationships today, as soon as it progression, they cannot remain to be objective. Too much too soon, and they immediately picture the intimacy and passion of their physical relationships – this is how they would evaluate the merit of their relationships. Just like my classmate says, “Can you see that it is obvious that we really love each other”. They just had known a couple of time and then they really felt that they are so in love with each other. But, did they? Just because their lips have met does not mean hearts have joined ….. Just like, just because their bodies are drawn to each other, does not mean that two people are meant for each other. “Physical relationship does not equal love. “

Our culture today if we really honest with our hearts, the words LOVE and Sex are interchangeable. That is why many relationships and we should not deny it and be surprised with it that many dating relationships mistakes physical attraction and sexual intimacy for true love. And this is very true. What is the sad thing is that, many Christian dating relationships reflect this kind of thinking/mindset.

How many into relationship that has no intention of having a commitment? Most relationships as I have observed is not a pursuit of commitment based love. If we only see and understand and examine deeply the progression of relationships today, it is vivid how dating can encourage this substitution. Because no commitment at all, many relationships begin with physical attraction. Don’t get me wrong, I am human and I really appreciate people and also admire them, but one thing I always consider is to really be very careful what I say that wont encourage false expectation to any one. What I am trying to say is that, the major value comes from the way he or she looks. Before someone had kissed a woman, or vice versa, the physical, sensual aspect of the relationship has taken priority.

Many marriages today are not founded by a strong commitment. Why? Because they did not expect or looking forward what are the responsibilities of a marriage life. Since, many people has no intention of having commitment, they allow passions and needs of the moment to take center stage. Many couples today never weigh the responsibility of marriage instead they focus on the demands of the present. Because of this, many relationships physical relationship can easily become the focus.

Okay, I knew it, in dating, each one has to feel to the other that he or she is special. They show it by holding hands and hugging and etc and this is the way they express this through physical intimacy. They begin to distinguish their relationship hand-holding, kissing and everything that follows. So we can conclude that if going out with someone means physical involvement. Okay, do not get me wrong again, I am just telling here what I have observed. I saw it with my two eyes wherever I saw some couples doing that. But, I just want to point out that, focusing on physical is plainly sinful. God is holy and He demands us sexual purity. And remember, He does that for our own good! Okay okay, physical involvement can mislead couple or people’s perspective and it will always lead to unwise choices. Many wrong choices had been made and someone might say, “How I wish I should have not done it or that”. “How I wish I can start all over again.” And I believe and God knows that we will carry our past physical memories into marriage. I know God really love us and He does not want us to live with guilt and regret.

“Physical involvement can make two people feel close. But if many people really examined the focus of their dating relationships, they’d probably discover that all they have in common is lust. “

[wantingmore]

Crisi, have you fall in love? when I buy a car, I need to make it sure it is really in good condition and really try it. In dating, how will you know that the woman is good in bed she might be lousy ? Did you get my point crisi? How can you marry someone if that is what you believe? No doubt you are still single.

[crisipicada]

Crisi, have you fall in love? when I buy a car, I need to make it sure it is really in good condition and really try it. In dating, how will you know that the woman is good in bed she might be lousy ? Did you get my point crisi? How can you marry someone if that is what you believe? No doubt you are still single.

Yes, I fall in love many times. I hate the word "fall in love" because it also means "falling out in love".

I am reserve type of person and I do not want to go into trouble and telling straight the person that I love him. I always consider to take care someone's heart as I take care of my heart.

Did you know that the most deceiver in the world is our heart? The Bible clearly states that "The Heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked, who can know it?

May I ask, how many girlfriends did you had? And how many of them you get out into? Okay, I am single never been married and I never into sex, okay and I am proud of it.

Well, what if he or she is lousy in bed? Well, I have nothing to compare when I become married. How can I tell? The problem today is that people reduced sex to some sort of sport. They need manuals and color-coded charts instead of being an expression of the intimacy and commitment of a husband and wife, for them it is all about performing. You know why there is a lot of dysfunction in sexual life today? Because they are terrified that they wont perform great in bed when they get married like in the hollywood. If i am a man and my wife is lousy in bed, that wont be the reason i marry her. Did you ask yourself, what if you marry someone because they are great in bed then one day they are not? Of course that is cheating. And it is right, that is what people are doing today. I do believe that it is not just the nice thing to do to not into sex before marriage but it is because it is the will of God and God wants me to do so.

Hope it answers your question