Negative Tendencies in Dating

[Edwin]

Yes, fenmoor, conventional wisdom often is not really wisdom at all. The wisdom that man has often does not measure up to God's standards. People often have figured out what is right and what is wrong, and it isn't always that way. Some times they call right wrong and wrong right.

That is interesting that the divorce rate is higher for couples who cohabit before getting married! I have heard also that sometimes a couple lives together for a period of time, then they get married, and get divorced right away.

[crisipicada]

I remember it vividly, my nephew Alexis loves to receive gifts every time we will celebrate his birthday. It is already a norm in the family to bring something for the birthday boy. He is already 10 years old now. I must admit he is my favourite nephew, since he is so sweet, so kind, so caring and loving baby boy. Even now, still he is.
When he was in two or three years old, I gave him a pair of shoes and a robot toy. I am so excited how he will love my presents for him. I cannot wait how would be so happy to receive those. I did not realize that he is not interested with my gifts but he is so interested with the box of that shoes and the robot toy. He loves to see the picture of that robot in that is on the box. It takes me for a while to convince him that the true gift is the shoes and the robot toy.

Just as my nephew, Alexis’ love for that worthless box of shoes and robot toy, God views our infatuation with many of short term relationships today. How many relationship that you can see or observed now that are not totally committed. When things gets bad or when things does not go smoothly, or because, as what they said “Well, our relationship did not work, let’s divorce or separated, - then does relationship also ends? A string of uncommitted dating relationships is not a gift!

We must realized that being single is a gift from God. God gives us singleness – a season of our lives with unmatched of many opportunities – opportunity for growth, learning and service. I do believe that we view it as a chance to get bogged down in finding and keeping boyfriends and girlfriends. We do not find the real beauty of singleness in pursuing romance with as many different people as we want. We find the real beauty in using our freedom to serve God with abandon. Why? As others believe, too, recreational dating causes dissatisfaction, because it encourages a wrong use of this freedom.

I do believe that it is not wrong or we do not sin when we look forward to marriage, God has placed a desire in most men and women for marriage. I really do agree with this. But are we guilty of being poor steward of our singleness when we allow a desire for something God obviously does not have yet to rob our ability to enjoy and appreciate what He has given us. I do believe also, as what others believe, that dating plays a role in fostering this dissatisfaction because it gives single people just enough intimacy to make them wish they had more. Instead of enjoying the unique qualities of singleness, dating causing people to focus on what they do not have.

Thus, dating causes discontentment with God’s gift of singleness.

[Edwin]

Often kids are happy to play with things that we find very little or no value in. They value the box instead of what is in the box, maybe because they don't always understand what is in the box. We don't always value what we have when we are wishing for something else or something more. We have a saying the "The grass is greener of the other side of the fence." We often find that "The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence." This is normal for cows and horses. They often have what they need in their pasture, but the cow will reach as far as she can through the fence to eat something on the other side. The horse will push the fence down reaching over it to get something growing on the other side of the fence as far as that horse can reach, when that horse has what it needs on its side of the fence. So sometimes we need to learn to appreciate what we have rather than wishing for something more, or something different!

[crisipicada]

It is true that many people have hurts from past relationships that may be unhealed, but I say do not limit that pain to romantic relationships only. Even if someone has never been in a committed relationship before they still carry around pains from other relationships. Examples could be hurts from a relationship with mother and father, or betrayals from close friends, or rejections and bullying from enemies. Even further that that is pains that you see other people go through in their relationships. Mother and father could fight and divorce, a friend could have many problems in their relationships, or you can see someone abusing other people by using them for money or sex. All of this will affect how you act in the future if you do not hold every though captive to Christ, and who is perfect at that?

I think that it is important if you see a hurt or sin in someone else’s life to want to help them heal, to comfort them, and to bring them God’s truth. Recognize the problem, yes, but look at it as an opportunity to bring blessing. I think the opposite reaction to that would be to want to guard against the sin or hurt that you see. To set up devotion with God that focuses too much on protecting yourself instead of helping others. God has made it clear that he wants us to love him foremost, but he wants that love shared with others. Love that other person because you love God.

God created love in such a way that it is impossible to do without making yourself vulnerable and open to risk. How can you love someone if you do not put yourself at risk of pain? I heard a really good sermon yesterday on how God created pain for our benefit. The pastor had many reasons listed and backed them up with reasoning from the bible and a little common sense. The one warning that he had though was that many people use pain as a reason not to love God or others, and forget that God endured pain to love us. We must share his sufferings.

Hopefully I didn’t get too much off topic or anything. I don’t really think that dating skips friendship. I think it’s a different kind of friendship. Something much closer and rewarding. One thing that I don’t like about dating though is when it turns into a series of gates of protections that someone must go through to get close. It then becomes a power struggle of who will make themselves more vulnerable first, although I can completely understand how it could get that way.

To me the best indicators to look for would be their walk with God and how they are in discipleship. Not just a profession of faith, but submission. It is that yoke that you will share. Even if someone you meet at first is strong in devotion, they could backslide. There is no way to know certain what will happen in the future unless you are reading God’s prophecy or promise.

There are times really that in a relationship, friendship is skipped. Many of relationships I heard that would say "I am afraid that if I will tell him or her that I am attracted to her or him, he or she wont talk to me anymore" what is really the problem here is that, feelings govern the relationship. That is why, it needs time to know each other that does not involve emotions. Just like in friendship, let us say, you become good friends because you have in common, like in the school or at work, you are good friends, and you develop friendship while you are in the same direction, and while in any relationship - bf-gf, there are tendencies that you become not true to each other.I am not saying it is bad, but what I mean that it must be founded in friendship.

Well not all marriage are the same process how they meet or become know each other. Many marriages are only iin short time they knew. and what is important that God's blessing is the most important. It must start in a clean slate. Clean motive, clean heart, clean mind. Then God will work that well, that is what I believe.

[Edwin]

Friendship being skipped in a relationship is a mistake. This is like getting the cart before the horse. We have to do things in the correct order. Feelings governing the relationship is a hinderance. I have seen television shows years ago when I used to watch television that had as their theme someone telling someone else they had a crush on them, when the other person had no idea. That made some interesting reactions! As I have read other people's stories in visa journey I was amazed at how long some people have gone with each other before they took steps towards romance and marriage. With others it was quick, quick, quick, and sometimes good, and sometimes bad, and it all depends on the people involved. Yes the most important part is God's blessing, and clean motive, clean heart, and clean mind makes all the difference in the world!

[crisipicada]

It is a major decision that you will make if you will get married someone. I know that that is why it needs prayers.

There are many people who profess to be good but actually do not mean really to commit into a life time marriage.

My brod in law says, to marry someone in God's will is the greatest gift from God above. If you are out of the will of God, it is a waste of time. I know that. It really takes heart and sacrifice when you want to get married. To have a family is not easy because you are committed to meet the obligation and responsibilities towards someone.

There are marriage that the husband does not hit or beat the wife but it is worst when the husband afflict the wife emotionally. That is worst then beating her.

So guys, please be careful with your speech and your intention or else you are giving false expectation to the woman and that she will get hurt.

So with the woman, be careful with your speech too. Because it is not good to be emotionally attach to someone and then later on you dump him or her.

[Edwin]

Who you will marry is one of the most important decisions a person makes in his/her life. To marry out of God's will brings all kinds of misery, but marrying in God's will brings all kinds of blessings. You are right, Crisi, some people while getting married have in their minds, if this doesn't work out, we will get a divorce. They are thinking that even while they are getting married! I know that for a fact, because my sister-in-law told me about a person that we both know who said that out loud while they were getting married! For the husband or the wife to afflict the other person emotionally is bad news. To physically abuse the marriage partner is bad also. I think they usually go together. The person who is physically abusing, is usually emotionally abusing also.

Carol said just a week or two ago, that life is short, so be happy. The Bible says, "Let no man (or woman) take your joy!" The Lord can give us joy, and it is our place to receive that joy of the Lord, in the Lord. Yes, life is short, so be kind to each other! God will reward those who are kind to each other.

[m&m]

All of us have different stories in love life. As identical twins seems so the same, but it always have something that is difference, in character or in physical appearance.

Just like in dating, all of us have short time to find their love one and others still finding the right one.

You might have a gf or bf now, or you do not have, but the point is, whom you marry someday might be not the one you have into relationship now. My point is, make all you can to be a good husband or wife in the future.

Because in the right time, in GOd's timing, I do believe that you will really find the one. Just be patient and wait for GOd's guidance.

[mystic]

I think that a lot depends on the age of a person too. The way to live love changes according to one's age. It's true at a physical level, and it is very true at a spiritual level too.

When one is younger, it is much more common to have all the bells and whistles to impress the other side and get lost in the river of feelings. One wrong word kills a teenager. Did you ever see the scenes that they can make? Well, the TV shows are full of them.
As one grows older... illusion, smoke, etc., tend to fade away. The people tend to be more mature and themselves. I also tend to believe that suffering makes a person more mature, because it usually teaches some lessons.

The greatest difficulty is to overcome human nature and always have that "perfection" that is required in a wonderful relation/marriage. Tell a couple being 60 years old to have the magic of their 20ies... They will probably live their relation in a rough, direct way without so many bells and whistles, unless they seem artificial at once. And tell a teenager to go slow, think about what he/she is doing, etc... The truth lies always in the middle.

The couple that can live "out of time" and abstract from their age, and be always able to bring the magic and the concreteness into their relation at the same time, can surely tend to that perfection.

Concerning friendship/dating, I would not put all in a single strict category. It depends a lot on the spiritual level of the two persons, their honesty/sincerity, and especially the commitment. It is known from the Bible that it was ancient practice to "take a wife and then know her" (see Abraham). So, here friendship was skipped. They did not even know each other, and just got married. And only thereafter... they knew each other. This practice is still enforced by many orthodox Jews and also some Christian communities and is entirely based on one's commitment. That's combined marriage. Strangely, statistics say that combined marriages are more lasting than ordinary marriages.
I'm not saying that I support this view... but just bringing some more topics into the discussion.

[Edwin]

I think you are right, mystic, that age plays a part in what happens. Once there was a lady who was I think in her late 30s or 40s, and she said that marriage for her would not mean the same as marriage for a couple in their 20s. I then wondered what she meant by that. Maybe she was thinking that she was near the end, or at the end of her child bearing years. Would she have the same desires as a younger lady? Some things would change, but I think there are some things that would be the same whether a person was 20 or 60.