How Can I Decide?

[Gary2310]

Crisi, deciding on who to share your life and build a family with is certainly one of the most important decisions anyone could ever make. And, by what you've written, it sounds like you have given this a great amount of consideration and that you can clearly envision the kind of man that you will eventually marry. I think it's great that you take this exciting part of life very seriously, and that you recognize that to find a life partner who you will be happy with for a lifetime involves a lot more than just reacting to one set of emotions. Someone else here said that you are wiser beyond your years. I very much agree. And, I think your faith is your strength.

I'm an American and it saddens me to say that in American culture far too many people give more consideration to any number of other things in life than they do to who they are going to marry and share their life with. This is evidenced by the high rate of divorce we have here in the U.S. The latest figures suggest that almost 2/3 of all first-time marriages in the U.S. end in divorce. This means that out of every 3 marriages, 2 marriages end in divorce. This is such an alarming statistic, and the reasons for it are many. But, that's another topic.

Now, I know, in the Philippines there is no divorce, and so more couples remain married. But, is this misleading? Yes, there may not be any divorces, but does that translate to there being more happier marriages? Crisi, will have more of an informed answer to this question, and so I'll leave it to you to answer:)

Without question, human relationships are very complex. This is because the human mind is very complex. We are all capable of feeling a kaleidoscope of emotions, and so finding a special someone that possesses feelings that are complementary to our own so that we mutually complete each other is not necessarily an easy thing to do. Every individual is different with different ways of viewing life. I don't believe there is any one clearly defined set of traits or characteristics that we or our partner/spouse can possess that will ensure that we will have a life-long loving relationship. Yes, while it's true that there are some general characteristics (i.e., strengths) of a relationship/marriage that seem to be shared by couples professing to be happy, I think what is really important is how well these characteristics "fit". What do I mean?

Well, let's take the idea of "communication" between spouses. Most would agree that communication is important for any relationship. OK, so let's say that two people make a continuous effort to communicate with each other. They are both very approachable, both are even tempered, both respect each other, and both are willing to talk about concerns the other person may have. Sounds good, right? But, suppose that one person likes or needs to talk about some really deep feelings in order to feel secure and happy, and the other person just isn't capable or feels uncomfortable talking about those kinds of feelings. This is not uncommon. Some people are just that way. Some people have trouble talking about certain feelings. So what happens now? Well, these issues will likely remain unresolved. It has been my experience that unresolved issues can have a life of their own. What I mean is that they never seem to go away and, in fact, become more of an issue as time passes.

Another area that most would agree is important is "couple closeness". But, how does each spouse define "closeness"? We all have reserved emotions for things in our life that make us feel good or satisfied. Whether it be some good friends, a career that we enjoy, our parents and siblings, a pet, etc. This is all good. But, it's also important, in fact it's vital, to reserve emotional space for the special love in your life so that you can remain connected in ways other than just the physical. Some couples can spend many years together, or even a lifetime, and yet they never really seem be very close emotionally. They have missed out on one of life's greatest gifts. Losing this precious connection usually means the beginning of the end.

Some other areas where a good "fit" or commonality is important are managing financial affairs, religious beliefs, sexual compatibility, being respectful of each other's viewpoints, handling matters of friends & family so that they do not interfere with the husband/wife relationship, and remaining flexible and being willing to resolve conflicts quickly and respectfully through compromise.

There are many other areas where having a good "fit" is important. But, the point I'm trying to make is that although it is unrealistic to think that a perfect relationship is possible, it is certainly realistic to strive for a near-perfect one. Ultimately, your happiness is at stake. I think that, globally, people are people. And, fundamentally, women and men relate to each other in much the same ways no matter what part of the world they live.

So, how can you decide?

By drawing strength from your faith and from the experiences you have had in your life. Life is a great teacher. Remember, only you have experienced your exact life, Crisi, and so only you could have learned the lessons from those experiences. Use your God given intellect and listen to both your heart and to your brain. And, when you least expect it, through His love, blessings and guidance, a man that is right for you will walk into your life, a man that you will love with all your heart and that will in turn love you with all his heart.

[Edwin]

Gary, those were very good observations that you made relative you Crisi's looking for a marriage partner! I think the reason she is not already taken, is that she has principals that she lives by, and she will not lower her Christian standards to just hook up with anyone, so while she is not extremely pickly, there are some things that are important to her. By being careful she wants her marriage to last forever. You are right about Crisi's faith being her strength. She will do what is right regardless of what she is tempted to do!

Yes, American society of which you and I both are a part gives a sad commentary on marriage and divorce. It is in all phases of society, in the church, and in all families that I am aware of, even our own family. You are right about the reasons being too many and varied to discuss here, and most of us have a pretty good idea of why it happens, but how to prevent it is another subject!

In the Philippines with no divorces being allowed I think probably some are happier than American families where divorce is so prevailent in society, and it can be a constant threat between a husband and a wife here because of the ease with which divorces can be obtained. When in a fight or disagreement, here, one says to the other, "Okay, I will divorce you then!" But in the Philippines that is not part of the conversation. So they either live with each other happily, inspite of the problems, or they separate, and live with someone else. They either live together without the sanction of marriage, or in rare cases they get an annulment, which is somewhat similar to our divorces. Someone correct me if I am wrong about that. Annulment Is more difficult to get than a divorce, and you likely will have to pay some people off if you want one. That is my impression of annulment anyway. So, just because divorce is not possible in the Philippines that doesn't necessarily make for happier families I don't think. So it is still important to be careful while selecting a marriage partner.

We have heard about opposites attracting? Well, opposites might give reason for the spraks to fly as well! As the Bible says, "Be not unequally yoked together", so some points of agreement are important, and especially for Bible believing Christians. There are other ways in which marriage partners should have common ground as well. You have to be somewhat compatible to be able to live with each other.

I agree that the attraction is important, but also using one's head to figure out things, rather than just using one's heart is important as well. The heart is the feel good part of it, and the head/intellect is the down to earth, reality part of it, and both are necessary!

[mystic]

Today I would like to comment on one of the rare points on which I stumble on Crisi's posts. Normally, I would just avoid the topic

"For the man i desire to be, i know that he will love me to be his future wife if he love his mother. How he will treat his mother, will also love me as his wife in return. This is the same with the women. How they treat their father, will also they treat their husband to be."

So, the initial statement seems to find me in partial disagreement (but tending to agreement). I never had an easy life with my ma. I won't enter the details, but I will say that everybody is different. And sometimes parents/relatives can be very different. But a very different parent might often exercise his/her authority without a listening heart leading to easy conflict. I can say I had up and downs with my ma. But at the end I appreciated more the family, because I saw that the parents are always there, more than a spouse, friends, etc. Well, my father abandoned me when I was little, so I can only talk for my ma. But indeed, there is a blood relation that has its importance. A spouse can betray, a parent generally no.

Now, to the second part of Crisi's statement... it seems even more true. My first wife hated her father and considered him as nothing. I always wondered why, coz he was providing for his family with every effort and seemed to me a good person. Just not talkative. With the excuse of hating his father, she hated all men... of course me included. Uh... I wonder why she married me then.
My second mate also hated her father and thought that all men are evil. She told me horrific stories, but I cannot judge. I just see that all the 4 sisters except one threw out of the house their man taking the children from them. Her bigger sister even mocked on her ex, who lost every desire to live and work. She was laughing saying that he comes to see the children with a dark sad face, stays a little with them, and then goes away like a beaten dog. She complained that he was unable to make a new life. And I have no wonder that my ex follows the example and kidnapped my son.

Probably Crisi is very right. To see at one's other sex parent might be a good indicator. I would add also a new indicator: do somebody believe that the opposite sex is all evil?

[Edwin]

Well, mystic, we all have our own experiences, and no two are alike. What Crisi was saying I think is generally true, but may not hold true with every case. The general idea is correct that if you have respect for one, you will have respect for the other. A lack of respect permiates our society, and especially in our western cultures. The is predicted by Jesus in the Bible, that family members will betray each other. I think it is generally true that if you have respect for your mother, you will respect your wife, but you had a bad experience with your mother, mystic, so that may not hold true for you. Generally if a young lady respects her father, she will respect her husband as well. It also holds true that if children respect their parents they will also respect God. We don't necessarily have to agree with our family, or even like what they do, but a certain amount of respect is due. I can understand that there are exceptions, and you have an exceptional experience mystic, that makes it difficult to realize that principal. It is sad that there is not love and respect all the way around so that parents love their children and treat them right, and children love and respect their parents, and then life would be a lot happier. It is sad when people have to go through life with problems because of what happened to them in their childhoods. I think what happens sometimes is that we react to the way we think we are treated, rather than just doing what we know is right. A lot of times if we give what we don't think the other person deserves that will go a long ways to get them to come our way.

[m&m]

For me, there are things I really consider:

1. I am not going to marry someone who drink wine. I do not like to be what my father did to my mother. When my father is drunk and with friends, then when he is at home, they always fight with my mother and he beat my father. Also, when my elder brothers drink wine, they yell at home and shouting to the tip of their throat. So disgusting. That is why when someone is drinking liquor, it is important to me why he drink and what for? Because if the guy says, that it is not a big deal that is already a problem for the relationship. The Bible says, not temperance but abstinence.

2. I am not going to marry someone who is married or separated. While your relationship with your past woman is still there, there is no need to go into relationship. It is better to be friends. And if you decide to continue a relationship more than friendship with the woman who is sincere with her intention finding a husband, then the guy must cut its relationship with his wife and decide to continue a relationship with the other woman who he loves. In this case, I stil do believe that do not contact a woman unless you are still married.

3. I do not want to marry someone who will spend a lot of money without thinking. I mean I am learning now not to be in debt. It is a lot of stress to be in debt. YOu cannot have peace.

4. I will not marry someone who is not seeking the will of God. Trusting His will is better than our own. It is not the will of God that the guy will ask the woman into sex before marriage. That is not the measurement of love. Love will always pursuing purity. For, "love waits, lust wont"

5. I will not marry someone who is controlling. Someone who would say "I told you this and that", "Well, if that is your decision, then I can do nothing". Sometimes we must be careful with our words. For me, it is better to say, "Let us seek God first in our relationship and ask His guidance" rather than focusing on ourselves.

I know it needs wise decision when marrying someone. It needs prayers and a lot of thinking. God is there for us to help us. So that is what I count on.

[Edwin]

m&m, that is a lot of good information that you gave, and your principles will line up with God's will. To be determined on those things as you are will keep you out of bad trouble, and people certainly find trouble so easily! I totally agree with you on the abstinence about alcohol. I have never taken a drink in my life. Before becoming Christians my Mom and Dad both dabbled in it. My Mom tried it, but didn't keep drinking it. My Dad I think actually got intoxicated a few times, but no more after becoming a Christian. I determined not to ever taste of the stuff because of the destruction I saw in people who drank alcohol. My personal opiniion is that I don't think anyone should be drinking it, because it has ruined too many lives.

I think that it is wrong for anyone who is married to consider any romantic relationship while they are married. Some consider their own marriage to not be good, so they justify being unfaithful in marriage, but I think God honors those who remain faithful in marriage. I have seen a lot of damage in my own siblings families who have violated this principle.

Good management with money is important! My Dad said that if you are in debt because of your business, and it is prospering you that is okay, but if you are in debt because you bought things you didn't need, then that is not good. It is hard to be in debt, and it is important to learn to live within your means, and it is not always easy, but it makes for more peace. It is important not to spend money foolishly.

In seeking a marriage partner it is important to keep certain standards. I have heard about situational ethics, where people justify doing what they want even though it is wrong. I know people say, "I will not marry someone that I have not slept with to see how they will be in bed, but that doesn't make for a happier or more secure marriage. It is best to abide by God's laws, and remain pure for marriage.

I agree with you whole heartedly, m&m, that a contoling person would take all the joy out of life, and make for an unsuccessful marriage. If your partner talks to you like you are dirt, or some little kid that doesn't make for happiness. There needs to be respect and love one with the other.

m&m, your points are very good and important!

[m&m]

Sometimes, it is very hard to decide when you are in the state of bad times. Like emotionally low or emotionally high.

THe best weapon is to pray and ask guidance from His word.

[Edwin]

Crisi, I am the worst person in the world at making decisions! I used to be worse than I am now. In the 1970s when I learned to pilot airplanes, Carol said that she would never go flying with me, because she was afraid if something went wrong with the engine on the airplane I would hit the ground while I was still trying to make a decision as to what to do. The kids flew with me when they were little, but never Carol. She was not going to take that chance! While learning I learned stall recovery, and many instructors will not teach spin recovery because it can be very dangerous, my instructor taught me how to pull an airplane out of a spin, and it is a good thing, because one time, I got an airplane started to spinning while I was alone in the airplane. If you catch it quickly and deal with it right away, you can successfully recover from a spin, but don't let it start spinning faster and faster because there is a point from which you are not able to recover. Maybe all of us have trouble to some extent with decisions. Some flip a coin, and some draw straws, while others look for a sign. The Lord can help us with our decisions as we pray and look to His Word. The Lord can help us to be strong, and to make a good decision while trusting in Him.

[m&m]

For me, it takes prayers and guidance from people who cares for you. Guidance can be through time, people and circumstances. It needs to have peace in your heart... You will really know it.. but if there is something wrong, God will not let it happen to you because you trusted Him.

[Edwin]

Yes, seeking God's guidance is the important part. Then peace is a good sign, and if we are trusting in the Lord He will guide us and protect us.