loving someone who can't love you back..

[being_meh]

hello to everyone!

There this girl who happens to enjoying herself talking to this man online.they been a constant chat mate and build good friendship,they talk about everything, they even laugh on some silly jokes too.she can even see him and watch him while his on the ship or just strolling around the city or even if he is at home too. they seem enjoying each others company for more than a year...one day this girl starts missing this guy. and she cant stop thinking about him.and she thinks she is falling in love with her long distance friend. but the guy told her the first time they met online that he can't have a serious relationship or be married because of his job.. he can't be marry anyone coz he knows how his job affects there relationship.. (he is working as a captain on a ship) his job won't allow him to have a normal life like everybody had.he thinks thats its unfair to the woman he will marry,because he knows he can't give her all the time and attention she deserves and will want from him..the girl respects that guys decision even if she knew she is really falling for him she still keeps quite about her feelings toward the guy.. she is happy and trying to be content of whatever relationship they have.. but at the back of her mind she wished that the guy changed whatever he thinks.. because she really want to care for him and she knows in her heart that she love this person. but she is afraid too if she tells him she will lose him for good. as the girl remembered before she asked the guy friend if for example she fell in love with him what will he do?and he said he will run away from her. i think this guy is really afraid of a lifetime commitment.or maybe he is just afraid of gambling on love coz he don't want to be hurt.

base on the girl's story i know this guy cared for her too. but too afraid to admit that.. i really don't understand men at all... whats wrong with showing your true feelings? why do men always wants to be tough all the time.. men are also human, like women , men do have feeling too but how come they can't express their feelings? whats stopping them?

now the question is, if youre in that girl's shoes,what are you going to do? and what about the guy friend? why do you think he thinks that way? what do you think is the best decision she have to do? and about men? can someone tell me really what you want from us? what else you women have to do for you to see and know how serious we are when we tell we love you?

hope to hear some opinion and wise wisdom towards this.. thank you. and godbless!


always,
being_meh....

[Smiley]

He told her that he cannot have a serious relationship.
Translation: He does not want a serious relationship with her.He is probably happy with his life as it is.He is probably trying to be polite in his way of telling her that he will not commit to her.He may or may not be telling the same thing to other women as well or even already be in a serious relationship.A lot of sailors are married or in successful long-term relationships and he knows it.Going to sea is a great way to escape the boredom and many of the petty hassles of day to day life,it has been an attraction for thousands of years,unfortunately this feature attracts some people that will go to great lengths to dodge responsibility.
This response is based on a lot of years and countless port visits during my seafaring days.

[being_meh]

so i guess the girl should stop whatever special feelings she have for that guy and be content for the friendship,right? mmmmm.... you really think so? Poor girl,its just a one sided love ... she better start letting go of that feeling towards the guy friend... its useless i think to hope that the guy will feel the same to her... tsk tsk tsk tsk....

ill try to remember those words smiley ,so if that happens to me one day, i will know right away what to do...

Thanks alot..


being_meh

[mystic]

That's the very old story. They even wrote an opera on it in '800, Madame Butterfly. There can be many variants, but at the end there is always a girl for every harbor.

In this case, there might be 2 possibilities. Either the man is so responsible that he does not want to fool a girl, or he just likes to have many special friends and have fun (no commitment). The first case is very rare. I know people who work on petrol platforms and stay away from home 6 consecutive months. But they do have families. So, this case can mask other truths, like the man being a gay. It is not uncommon for sailors to learn to become gays.
The second case is the most typical of sailors. Better enjoy life, being polite to people, and if the chance happens, have amusement and adventures. At the end, you never know in which arms (harbor) you will end up the next day. So, the attitude is just to become "love stealers". Just get it when you have an opportunity to get it. And in the meantime, keep a row of girls and good contacts in every harbor.

I think love is always two-sided. If it is only single-sided, it is not love. It is just an illusion or an exploitation. So, the victim of this illusion should just take it for what it is and move on.

[Gary2310]

being_meh, thanks for sharing this...It brings to mind a 1970's song "Brandy (You're A Fine girl)" by Looking Glass. Google it and check out the YouTube for it. It really captures the emotional essence of your friend's situation.

I agree with some of the responses already...I think that there is something more to the story than just the guy having a job that keeps him from having a committed relationship. It sounds like he is being polite and honest about what he really wants with HER. Now, that's not to say that he doesn't have something more committed with some other woman. The internet is a great thing, but maybe just not for love...Too many uncertainties and a high probability for heartbreak.

You asked...

"What is wrong with men showing their true feelings?"
"Why do men always want to be tough all the time?"
"How come men can't express their feelings?"
"What do men really want from women?"
"What else do women have to do for men to see how serious women are when they say they love them?"

Well, the first three questions all really deal with the same concept. And, that is, why men tend to be less emotional than women. Right? Expressing one's feelings about love and other less "manly" things is part of our emotional being, which men, in general, tend to have trouble revealing all that easily.

As far as what men really want from women, well, that is really a very individual thing. I really don't think you can generalize in this way because different types of men at different times in their lives will be looking for slightly different things when it comes to having a relationship with a woman. And, I think the same can also be said about women.

And, how serious a woman actually is when she tells a man that she loves him really depends on the individual woman. As it's been said, love and marriage can mean different things to different people. Some people use the term 'love' or the phrase "I love you" more freely than others. So, I really think that discovering just how serious a woman (or a man) is when they say "I love you" can be a challenge. You really have to know the person and know how they think and feel about love, which is very hard to do over the internet, as is the case with your friend and her captain friend.

But, I really don't think it's accurate to make those kinds of broad generalizations about men as an entire group. The same goes for women as an entire group. Seriously, not all men have trouble showing their true feelings...Not all men have trouble talking about deep feelings...Not all men find it necessary to act tough and macho all the time, or even some of the time...Not all men are afraid of commitment. It really all depends on the individual person.

What I mean to say is that a man in his 20's who has never been married and has no children and has had no real experience, good or bad, with women and relationships will likely have very different feelings about life and what he wants in terms of a wife, children, etc., than an older guy. Similarly, a guy in his 30's or 40's, or even older with different experiences in life with women will likely have a different set of wants and needs than the 20-something guy. The experiences we have in life tend to shape our views, and each of us has led a very specific life that no one else can ever have an exact understanding of or an appreciation for, which is why human relationships can be so complex...There are so many factors at work that influence how people relate to each other.

Both men and women develop and function as physical beings according to biology...And, a lot about human relationships can be explained by understanding this fact.

The truth is, a lot of men do very much desire a loving monogamous lifelong relationship, just like most women. I think the challenge in life is to find someone that shares your own beliefs about love. I think where most couples go wrong is that they really don't know each other before they jump into a commitment as serious as marriage. And, I think those that have had bad experiences tend to be less likely to commit to a relationship for fear of making another mistake.

I think it really comes down to thinking about love with more than just one set emotions. It's about understanding the other person on just about every level...It's about fitting together as a couple in substantial ways.

[being_meh]

you have a point there Gary. and i think i can relate to the part where you mentioned that some people made a mistakes from the past are much much more careful and afraid now to do the same mistakes again. like me i am quite careful and hesitant to give my 100% trust again.. but i am honestly still hoping to find the right one that really fits to me.. my soulmate,my other half. the one who will complete me..

[Gary2310]

Yes, human love-relationships can be wonderful and uncertain both at the same time. I think it's important to understand that the love between a man and a woman is very different from the other kinds of love that we can feel...Love for family, love for a pet, love for a friend, etc. These examples do not involve the same kind of love awareness that we have when we fall in love and think about spending our life with a person. I know this sounds elementary and that it is something that everyone should know, but sometimes in life it's these kinds of simple things that slip out of focus without us even realizing it. Human love-relationships have so many more dimensions than do those examples I gave above, and it's important to find a partner that truly "fits" you and what you desire in life, that is, what will not only make you happy in the short term, but also keep you happy in the long term. These are things that many people do not really think enough about when considering marriage.

being_meh, different people will have different opinions about what is really important when looking for a life partner. Life has taught me that there really isn't any one right way to approach finding your special someone. However, I do know that first determining what will make yourself happy in life is critical. Self-analysis is very important, and some people, believe it or not, do not even know what it is they really want or need to be happy. If you don't really know what will make yourself happy, then chances are that you won't be happy, and you will not be able to make someone else happy.

Human love-relationships is so very multi-dimensional...It's physical, emotional and spiritual. And, each of these have make many different levels that most people do not even think about, but they matter even if they don't realize at first. It's all about being happy and satisfied with life, and that includes being happy and satisfied with your spouse in ways that will truly bond both of you for a lifetime. I believe for couples that find themsleves in trouble, their uncertainty existed long before their troubles began. For different reasons (i.e., culture, religion, circumstances, etc.), they didn't carefully consider all the aspects of their relationship before making the ultimate commitment. They didn't cover enough ground with respect to finding out what the needs and wants were of the other person, and they both fit into each other's life plan. It sounds like it can be a complicated process, and it is, or at least it should be because marriage is a very serious commitment that I believe is made much too prematurely in many cases.

[Edwin]

Yes, Gary, the Bible says that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. You as a person of science know about that better than some of the rest of us, and where know the lenghth of our intestines, and how many blood vessels, and so on.

We are compicated persons, with so many millions of brain cell connections, which makes each of our thought processes, and each one of our personalities different from the next persons.

You made a good comparison to the various kinds of love, and I have thought about that as well. When you tell your doggie, "I love you," you are sentimental, and you mean it in the best sense, and you do love your doggie, but it is not the same as when you tell your opposite sex friend, "I love you!"

It is important to consider compatibility so that you can get along with that person after you marry him/her, and that your marriage will last!

The marriage can be filled with tremendious happiness, or it can be terrible, like really bad, depending on whether or not two people find the will of God for their lives.

You are right that when two people start having troubles that is not in many cases the beginning, but trouble has been brewing for a while, and eventually it comes to a head.

The most wonderful is when you can love someone who can love you back, and it can be mutual. I think that is what everyone is looking for!