Searching for my man

[Edwin]

"The shock to western men (and it seems to be a forbidden topic on forums like these) is after marriage the western man is expected to help support her extended filipino family --this causes financial problems and ultimately destroys many filipina to western man marriages." DannyJones

DannyJones, I think you are incorrect on this. No one in this forum including the people who own and maintain it are objecting to anyone writing about this subject. The objection comes when people get on here and bash filipinas! The other part of this is there is an objection to giving one sided, lop sided information about this!

If you are going to write about this subject then be kind to the filipina as you would to the Western guys, and don't be so dishonest as to give lopsided informtion. Be honest, DannyJones, and tell the whole story please.

[DannyJones]

"The shock to western men (and it seems to be a forbidden topic on forums like these) is after marriage the western man is expected to help support her extended filipino family --this causes financial problems and ultimately destroys many filipina to western man marriages." DannyJones

DannyJones, I think you are incorrect on this. No one in this forum including the people who own and maintain it are objecting to anyone writing about this subject. The objection comes when people get on here and bash filipinas! The other part of this is there is an objection to giving one sided, lop sided information about this!

If you are going to write about this subject then be kind to the filipina as you would to the Western guys, and don't be so dishonest as to give lopsided informtion. Be honest, DannyJones, and tell the whole story please.

Edwin I see no need for your attack on my opinion and my character. I merely discussed an important topic. You can agree or disagree but no need for you to make statements about my honesty. Of course the previous post is my opinion--every post on this forum is the opinion of the person who writes it. For clarity I summarize my points:

(1) Men are resource providers for women. Women have a God given biological imperative to produce and raise children, to do this they need resources, men are expected to provide these resources. This is nothing new, this is not my concept, it is God's concept. Anybody who denies this denies the reality of God's creation.

(2) Support for the extended family is a filipino cultural imperative. Republic of Philippines does not have social welfare programs like social security, disability, medicare, food stamps etc etc as does the USA so filipino culture is based on support of the individual to the extended family. Consequently when a western man marries a filipina the filipino culture normally expects he will participate in support of the extended filipino family. Most filipinas and most western men do not fully understand this major cultural disconnect. A young filipina who has only experienced her culture does not feel the need to discuss this with a perspective western husband because she sees support for her family as the norm--that is all she has ever known. But the expectation that he will help support his filipina bride's extended family will likely be quite a shock to the average western man. This cultural disconnect can and often does cause tremendous problems in filipina--western marriages so it is best to understand and discuss these differing financial expectations before any serious relationship develops.

And I maintain this subject generally IS rejected on these type forums (just as Edwin attempts to reject it) precisely because it is such a sensitive subject. But sensitive or not the differing views of family and finances need to be addressed if a filipina-westerm marriage is to survive and prosper.

[Gary2310]

Well, there is certainly no doubt, now, that this is a sensitive topic:)

I happen to agree that these issues need to be clearly discussed and understood by each partner. And, I think problems arise whenever there are surprises. What I mean to say is that failed expectations become a source of discontent and bad feelings. And that, sadly, can be the beginning of the end, for many couples. It's really all about communication, as it has already been said here by others.

The truth is that, in general, most of the Filipinas looking for foreigner husbands are poor and come from poor families. And, consequently, when they marry they MUST depend on support from their husbands. Unfortunately, however, these same Filipinas can't find Filipino husbands that can adequately provide for them AND their family. That is just the harsh economic reality of the PHI.

Now, please, don't misunderstand what I am saying here. I don't mean to suggest that every situation is exactly like the way I've described. But, for many, it is that way. OK, so maybe it's also because of some of the "negative" traits that Filipino guys have a tendency to have. Personally, I think a broad generalization like this is unfair, and I think it is used more often by Filipinas than is justified. But, it's certainly understandable because reasons such as infidelity, irresponsibility, alcohol problems, etc. sound like more legitimate reasons for not wanting a Filipino husband. And, for many western guys, that's exactly what they want to hear.

In support for what I am saying here, consider the fact that those Filipinas that have been fortunate enough to have received an advanced education and that come from more affluent families, in general, do not seek foreigner husbands. They tend to marry Filipino guys that also were fortunate enough to come from affluent families and that are highly educated.

And so, whether it's a sensitive topic or not, the truth is that Filipinas looking for foreigner husbands believe, rightly or wrongly, that marrying an American or European is their only hope for a better life for themselves and for their families. Am I saying that it's ONLY about the money? No, I'm not. For some, love is also important and love is there. But, if it wasn't for the chance of having a better life, it's highly unlikely that so many Filipinas would be seeking Causation American or European husbands.

It's a very difficult reality to mentally process. For those western guys who are truly looking for love, it deeply hurts to think that you are "loved" solely because of what financial resources you happen to have. Likewise, it can be very difficult to accept a culture-driven responsibility to provide ongoing familial financial support.

On the other side, for Filipinas burdened with the responsibility of trying to help support their parents and siblings, in a culture where such responsibility is honored and expected, it can be very difficult to accept that their husband doesn't feel the same way they do.

Wouldn't life be so much more simple and pleasant if love could be JUST about love and nothing else!

Best wishes to all in finding what you so desire.

[Edwin]

"The shock to western men (and it seems to be a forbidden topic on forums like these) is after marriage the western man is expected to help support her extended filipino family --this causes financial problems and ultimately destroys many filipina to western man marriages." DannyJones

There are a number of problems with the opinions that you are expressing. One problem is that you are characterizing all filipinas as being out looking for western men to support the whole extended family, and you are saying that the filipina will keep this a secret until after marriage when she will spring it on her husband, and then it will destroy their marriage. Is this not what you are saying?

The other problem is that you are generalizing the whole of all filipinas having this concept, when in reality it may only be a few. This is called sterotyping, and it sounds like you are guilty of that.

Sure, the filipinas will admit that it happens, but then does it happen with all of them, or is it just a few?

I don't think this is a forbidden subject if it is approached correctly. It is when the filipinas are bashed, and the truth is misrepresented that it becomes a forbidden subject.

I am aware of this problem, but I don't think it is blanket across the board for all of them. I agree with Gary that the key here is communication and getting to know the person and family well.

We might also have the subject "the shock to the filipinas," and then tell some things that happen to filipinas during courtship or after marriage to the western guys.

I do have a number of connections of people who have married filipinas, and I can assure you that not all filipinas looking for western men are doing so to find someone who will support their extended families. That simply is not true!

I know of some filipinas who are aware of this type of thinking, and they are determined not to allow that to be true for them. They live by a higher standard than that!

[Smiley]

I see a troubling development here.This confrontation was unwelcome when it was being directed under the pen names of manilla madman,goldjackass et al:

What benefit do you get from beating the same topic time after time? What agenda are you really pushing here?
I read and re read the post and cannot see a personal attack,just a request to keep things civil.

[DannyJones]

Well, there is certainly no doubt, now, that this is a sensitive topic:)

I happen to agree that these issues need to be clearly discussed and understood by each partner. And, I think problems arise whenever there are surprises. What I mean to say is that failed expectations become a source of discontent and bad feelings. And that, sadly, can be the beginning of the end, for many couples. It's really all about communication, as it has already been said here by others.

The truth is that, in general, most of the Filipinas looking for foreigner husbands are poor and come from poor families. And, consequently, when they marry they MUST depend on support from their husbands. Unfortunately, however, these same Filipinas can't find Filipino husbands that can adequately provide for them AND their family. That is just the harsh economic reality of the PHI.

Now, please, don't misunderstand what I am saying here. I don't mean to suggest that every situation is exactly like the way I've described. But, for many, it is that way. OK, so maybe it's also because of some of the "negative" traits that Filipino guys have a tendency to have. Personally, I think a broad generalization like this is unfair, and I think it is used more often by Filipinas than is justified. But, it's certainly understandable because reasons such as infidelity, irresponsibility, alcohol problems, etc. sound like more legitimate reasons for not wanting a Filipino husband. And, for many western guys, that's exactly what they want to hear.

In support for what I am saying here, consider the fact that those Filipinas that have been fortunate enough to have received an advanced education and that come from more affluent families, in general, do not seek foreigner husbands. They tend to marry Filipino guys that also were fortunate enough to come from affluent families and that are highly educated.

And so, whether it's a sensitive topic or not, the truth is that Filipinas looking for foreigner husbands believe, rightly or wrongly, that marrying an American or European is their only hope for a better life for themselves and for their families. Am I saying that it's ONLY about the money? No, I'm not. For some, love is also important and love is there. But, if it wasn't for the chance of having a better life, it's highly unlikely that so many Filipinas would be seeking Causation American or European husbands.

It's a very difficult reality to mentally process. For those western guys who are truly looking for love, it deeply hurts to think that you are "loved" solely because of what financial resources you happen to have. Likewise, it can be very difficult to accept a culture-driven responsibility to provide ongoing familial financial support.

On the other side, for Filipinas burdened with the responsibility of trying to help support their parents and siblings, in a culture where such responsibility is honored and expected, it can be very difficult to accept that their husband doesn't feel the same way they do.

Wouldn't life be so much more simple and pleasant if love could be JUST about love and nothing else!

Best wishes to all in finding what you so desire.

Gary--that is well stated. The issue of a woman looking to marry a man for money is not unique to the Philippines, in fact social statistics show that most women from all cultures want to "marry up" economically, but poverty in the Philippines makes the economic security women seek in marriage much more important.

[Edwin]

Smiley is correct! We do not need a repeat of the garbage that was spewed out by manilla madman,goldjackass et al:!

[DannyJones]

Edwin, I am not aware of the people you mention. I was / am agreeing with recent excellent post by Gary2310.

[Edwin]

"a man's ability to provide resources are part of a woman's definition of love." Quote by DannyJones

How many of you agree with this? I don't agree. This is like getting the cart before the horse. The man and woman love each other. The man provides for himself, his wife, and his family out of his love for them. The woman cares for the man and takes care of their children because she loves them! Resouces are a means to an end, not the reason for it! What is a woman's definition of love? I would dare say that it is of a higher quality than to say that it is resources!

[DannyJones]

"a man's ability to provide resources are part of a woman's definition of love." Quote by DannyJones

How many of you agree with this? I don't agree. This is like getting the cart before the horse. The man and woman love each other. The man provides for himself, his wife, and his family out of his love for them. The woman cares for the man and takes care of their children because she loves them! Resouces are a means to an end, not the reason for it! What is a woman's definition of love? I would dare say that it is of a higher quality than to say that it is resources!

You bet I said that. But note I said "part". Women look for many things in a man: faithfulness, loyalty, generosity, intelligence, confidence, strength etc etc and most women certainly look for a man who will provides resources, a man who earns a reasonable living, a man who provides food clothing and shelter for his wife and children. To really love a man a woman needs to respect a man and she won't have much respect for a man who does not work and provide food clothing and shelter for her and her children.

I also said this: "Men are resource providers for women. Women have a God given biological imperative to produce and raise children, to do this they need resources, men are expected to provide these resources. This is nothing new, this is not my concept, it is God's concept. Anybody who denies this denies the reality of God's creation."