Filipina/Westerner Cultural Misunderstandings

[red]

I think a big difference is in the way that family is looked at in the other countries compared to the Philippines. Children readily sacrifice for their other family members, but in countries such as the US the children think of themselves first and do not worry so much about their parents or brothers and sisters

I agree and that is selfishness. They only look back to family when they are broke and sick or in jail. I would tell them to go to their friends that they always party with and seek help to them.

[Smiley]

I think a big difference is in the way that family is looked at in the other countries compared to the Philippines. Children readily sacrifice for their other family members, but in countries such as the US the children think of themselves first and do not worry so much about their parents or brothers and sisters

Western society does not have a patent on selfishness.There are many sharing hearts anywhere you go in the world.When dealing in any cross-cultural forum it is easy to assume that one culture has a moral superiority to the other but ,under closer examination such assumptions never really hold up.
In any developing country there are always certain families that are unbelievably wealthy,there are also many who are simply rich,then there are lots of people who are somewhat rich,and then there is an emerging middle class.Some of these people support different charitable endeavors but many do not.
In any developed country you will find pretty much the same attitudes.However if westerners were really a self absorbed as some comments that I have seen expressed on this and other forums suggest it becomes very difficult explaining how such a selfish culture freely,and often.anonymously gives millions and millions to people they will never meet.
There are segments of every population that are mirrored in every other population.

[Edwin]

You are right, Smiley, there are good and bad in every culture, rich and poor, and many people in some of these countries really do have a hard time in life. Some cultures seem to be happier in life and more carefree. I think when people allow God to mold their lives they are less selfish, more giving, and more loving.That is the way it is supposed to work anyway!

[red]

I think a big difference is in the way that family is looked at in the other countries compared to the Philippines. Children readily sacrifice for their other family members, but in countries such as the US the children think of themselves first and do not worry so much about their parents or brothers and sisters

I agree and that is selfishness. They only look back to family when they are broke and sick or in jail. I would tell them to go to their friends that they always party with and seek help to them.

No offense to entire western culture, I know some sad situations for example there is this guy from California went to visit a Filipina in Phils. The filipina was surprised when the guy disclosed to her that he has cancer and he needed medicine to alleviate the pain, so she helped him with her friends too. I even suggested to take him to US embassy for help and they did but not much of help there. He was asked if there is a relative or a family that they can call to help him for his fare going back to CA, he said his daughter rarely visit or talk to him. The filipina called that daughter but only told some sarcastic words for her dad. It is VERY important to love and care our parents regardless of the past or hurt they may have/had caused to us.

[Chas]

I have just deleted a long post as I realise Edwin has already said the same thing. I think a welfare state (government support) helping the needy is a mark of a humane society, just that it has this unfortunate side effect of making strong family bonds not such an essential part of life.

I will recount one example of family breakdown in the Philippines. A family in Manila had an Uncle who became very ill and was in hospital. His two sons said they would look after him and one said they would extend their home so he could live there. They then made it clear they expected their aunts and uncles, his brother and sisters, to pay them to do this even though they themselves were not poor. When the aunts and uncles said no, you can afford to do this his two sons left the hospital and have never been back to see him. He eventually moved in with one of his sisters, but has been badly effected by the attitude of his sons.

It intrigued me as it is sadly an attitude I would have expected in the UK today, not the Philippines. Maybe in due course family support will be less common in the Philippines.

[Edwin]

I hear what you are saying, both Red and Chas. People everywhere have good attitudes and poor attitudes. People can be hard hearted and cruel, or sometimes they can be compassionate and kind. We have a situation here where we live next to our kids within 600 feet of their house, and I have not been there in over a year. Our daughter doesn't want to have anything to do with me, speak, or be in my presence, she did speak and kissed at her daughter's high school graduation which we attended. It has to do with our identical twins being mad at our youngest daughter, and we, and especially I am caught in the middle. Our son in law who was mad at me at the time, chopped his thumb with a hatchet while he was trying to cut up a pig. He was glad to have me give him a ride to the hospital, and I assume he would have done the same thing for me. Even though our daughter has this attitude, she said that she prayed for me when I had the car on blocks because she was worried about me, and didn't want me to get hurt. But, in everyday occurances it is cold war here! Sometimes it is worse, and at other times it is not as bad.

I had a friend that I worked with at the sawmill years ago who commented about people in this country who were disrespectful, as he saw it, in that they put their elders away in homes, so that they would not have to be bothered with them.

There was a case in the Philippines that I am aware of because this person was a member of one of the families that I visited. He was a husband of my friend's filipina wife's sister. This guy was quite intelligent, spoke perfect English, made more money in his lifetime than most of the rest of them did, in the sugar cane industry, and he was like upper society. But he had a drinking problem, and so the families despised him because of that, and then he had diabetes, to the extend that he had to have a leg cut off just below his knee. His wife acted like she loved him, but he live in a house that belonged to his family, and she stopped by to take care of him just like he was a stranger, but she did have kind feelings for him, and I could see that by the way she treated him. They were having a house blessing for my friends new house, and none of the family wanted him there, because he would get quite emotional at times, but my friend said that he liked him, and wanted him there, so he attended also. He did have one emotional outburst while there, complaining that his brother was not treating him right, threatened to kill himself, cried a little, and his wife comforted him, and then every thing seemed to be okay. It was that they looked down on him because of his drinking, and they figured that he brought diabetes on himself, he was not well, and he was emotional, and they did not like him because of that.

[red]

In fact, it is happening even in my family. I have 3 siblings. The closest to me is my youngest sister who is the one now in charge to look after our mama. Sad to say that the third sibling don't really care of our mother and the second one says he cares but seldom visits our mother due to being busy. Our mother used to live with us when we were in Phils. And now even far away we provide her financially for food and meds. I don't like to enforce those that don't care and I hate it when they always come up with harsh words when they don't even contribute not even a visit for a " hello how are you doing?" and yet can afford to go farther places for pleasure than where our beloved mother lives. Our father taught us to love and care for the elders, parents. I guess it is only me and my little sister that learned that tradition. Lots of factors contributes bitterness in the family relationships like broken marriages which leaves grudges on the children.

[Smiley]

I think the biggest problem is that we all tend to generalize things. We might look at a group of people and tend to give them all the same attributes as if they were all copies of a single person.The more people from the group that you get to know well,the less you will be inclined to think this way.We all see our misconceptions as facts when in reality they stand in the way of facts.
People are much more than stereotypes,We do not all think the same thoughts or hold the same ideals.
Certain factors from our cultural,ethnic,religious,economic backgrounds will flavor our growth but the spirit of individualism is what really makes each one of us what and who we are.
As long as we keep in mind that we all have strengths and weaknesses,and that we are all capable of good and bad we can treat each other with the respect that everybody deserves.

[Edwin]

What you said, Smiley, reminds me of a famous quote of one of our more famous preachers from yesteryear. I heard it when I was in Bible College many years ago, so I don't remember who the preacher was, Dwight L. Moody, or some other great preacher. He was observing a drunk person that most of us would look down on. He said: "But for the grace of God, there go I." Many of us on this forum believe not only in the goodness of man, but also we believe in his badness, or his depravity. "All have sinned and come short of the glory of God." Not one of us measures up to God's standards of righteousness. We are all born with a sinful nature, and our bent, if we could call it that, is on doing evil. We all have a tendency towards evil, to do evil. One of my fellow school teachers from years ago told me that in his early days of teaching he believed in the goodness of man, and that people were basically good, but after 25 or so years of teaching, he changed his mind about that. He said that he believed that people were basically evil. I don't think he understood the basis for that, but he understood that much anyway. We need the ten commandments. We need God to show us that we are evil, and then we need to become aware that we need a savior to deliver us from our own evil. I know a lot of it has to do with choice. Some choose to do good, while others choose to do evil, but there are powers involved, like "We wrestle not against flesh and blood," but against powers of evil that Satan is behind. My Dad when I was little said that, and I think it was an old Indian that told him that, that there are two dogs. One dog is black and represents evil. The other dog is white and represents righteousness. We have those two dogs fighting within us. So within us we have an evil dog, and a good dog. Which dog wins depends on which do we say "sic em" to. God helps us, but we have something we have to do as well.

Yes, Smiley, many people do tend to stereotype people, and that is a problem. They might know one person from a race or a group, and they will see all of them as being just like that one person. I have lots of examples in mind, but I think all of us get this picture. Sometimes, and many times what we are stereotyping is only true of a very, very small percentage of the group, but sometimes we see them all as being that way, or maybe we might think there is a large percentage of that group that is that way, when very few are guilty of it.

Yes, Red, there is a big difference in the kinds of attitudes that our siblings grow up with, regardless of the way they have been trained. Of our children the one who is the most respectful and the most helpful is the one that had the worst beginning. The one I would have expected to be the best person is the most disrepectful. The other one is a very good person, but she has been affected by her sister's bad attitude, even though she is on our side, she takes here sister's side as well, but she recognizes that her sisiter's attitude, and what she has done is not good. It is sad when families have these kinds of problems. We are hoping and praying that things will get better here, but for now our daughter and son in law who live here are distant, not warm, friendly, and helpful. They have trouble getting along with a lot of people, so I think it is just the kind of people they have become that makes the problems.

[crisipicada]

I think a big difference is in the way that family is looked at in the other countries compared to the Philippines. Children readily sacrifice for their other family members, but in countries such as the US the children think of themselves first and do not worry so much about their parents or brothers and sisters

I agree and that is selfishness. They only look back to family when they are broke and sick or in jail. I would tell them to go to their friends that they always party with and seek help to them.

I notice that western people are so independent. They tend to have their own lives. Usually, the parents of the western countries would tell their children, "okay, you are already big man, make your own decision". While here in the Philippines, family is very important when it comes to decision making. I remember one time, my youngest brother ask me, "Ate, I wanted to get married soon. Do you think I am ready for it?" This is just one example how he respect my ideas and suggestions. I share to him, how important to be in the will of the Lord. I told him to be responsible, caring and loving and most of all, seek the Lord first. I remember it right, I read it to Him what husband would be and what wife would be. Just like being the head of the family, the protector and the provider. HOwever, the wife would trust the Lord for God's provision for the husband to make a living.