JOKER'S CORNER

[cheryz]

What a bright boy Johnny is

[Smiley]

Conjoined twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."


The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet, fellas?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car, and drive for miles and miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim nods.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country...the history, the culture, and especially the beer."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap", says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's for us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English people, they're so arrogant and rude."

So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

John replies, "Gives Jim a chance to drive..."

[Smiley]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would
like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in
the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care what it
costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you
spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the
blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black
suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked
nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[jadegil6]

Two flies are sitting on a pile of dog poop. One fly says to the other "Do you want to hear a good joke?" Sure, said the other...just don't tell any disgusting jokes cause I'm trying to eat.

The past, the present and the future all walked into the bar together....it was tense.

I just learned sign language. It is pretty handy.

To the person who invented the number zero....thanks for nothing.

[jadegil6]

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. It was relentless!

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he is too old to go anywhere.

A bank is a place that will lend you money as long as you can prove that you don't need it.

Accept who you are...unless you're a serial killer.

I spent most of my money on wine, women and song. The rest of it, well I just pissed it away.

If you really feel that people don't care about you, try missing a couple of payments.

The problem with life is, that by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

I was on a date once with this really hot model. Well it wasn't exactly a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. And then the plane landed.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I figure that if you have enough money, then you can have a key made.

I grew up with six siblings. That's how I learned how to dance... waiting for the bathroom.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. Last night she told me to take out the garbage. I said I already did. She told me to go out and keep an eye on it.

Last night it was so cold in New York that the flashers were only describing themselves.

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first because by the second day, you're off of it.

Housework won't kill you, but then why take the chance?

[jadegil6]

The evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Here's a fascinating story that came out of Northwestern University about a month ago. Scientists have studied the difference between men's brains and women's brains. Now listen to this because this is fascinating. It turns out that women's brains are actually located in their heads.

How come Psychics never win the lottery?

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

To steal ideas from one person is called 'plagiarism'. To steal from many is called 'research'.

A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kickboxing.


When in doubt, mumble.

How do you get a sweet 80 year old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet 80 year old lady to holler "BINGO" !

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Love is blind... but marriage is a real eye-opener.

I always say no to alcohol. It just doesn’t always listen.

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

I can handle pain until it starts to hurt.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist
.
What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


I thought I wanted a job, but as it turns out, I just wanted the paychecks.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

What has two legs and bleeds a lot?!
Half a cat.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

What is red and bad for your teeth?
A brick!

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches!

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

I bought a new aromatic deodorant stick today. The instructions read: "REMOVE WRAPPER AND PUSH UP THE BOTTOM PART.” I can barely walk now, but whenever I fart, the room smells divine.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

When in doubt, mumble.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-husband and me. After all, I'm a Libra and he's a bastard.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

A women's virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it's gone.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

What did Bill Cosby say to his house guest? Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

[jadegil6]

Wise Man

An elderly man in Florida had owned a farm for many, many years. It had a large pond in the back that was perfect for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables, and some orange and lime trees. One afternoon the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, since he hadn't been there for a while, and grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices and laughter. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women from the local college skinny-dipping in his pond. He said “Hi there.” trying not to scare them but make them aware of his presence.

Squealing, they all swam over to the deep end and one of the women yelled at him “We're not coming out of this pond until after you leave.” The old man frowned “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies skinny dip or make you get out of the pond naked.” Then, holding the bucket up, he said “I'm just here to feed the alligators.”

Some old men can still think pretty fast.

[Smiley]

SENIOR SEX
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

[cheryz]

lol That elderlyman is very wise...feeding the alligator

that electric fence too really funny

[Smiley]

A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.