JOKER'S CORNER

[jadegil6]

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day.
"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde."
"Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a black and white TV.

[jadegil6]

A woman & her son were riding in a taxi.
All the prostitutes were standing at a bus stop.
Boy: Mom, what are these women doing here?
Mom: They are waiting for their husbands.
Taxi driver: Why don't you tell him the truth, that they are hookers & have sex with men for money.
Boy: Is that true Mom?
Mom: (Glaring hard at the driver) says, YES.
Kid asks: Mom, what happens to the babies these women have?
After a long pause....
Mom: They become taxi drivers !!!

[jadegil6]

A Pastor was preaching Fire and Brimstone one Sunday morning.
At times he would stop and say, "If you want to go to Heaven, raise your hand".
Each time he asked, more and more people raised their hand.
Near the end of the service, he noticed that one man on the front row had never raised his hand.
Frustrated, the Pastor asked, "Brother, don't you want to go to Heaven when you die?"
The man responded, "I sure do when I die, but I thought you were getting a group together to go today!"

[jadegil6]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical check-up, and he had a talk with his doctor.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor saw Morris again, and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, You've got a heart murmur and be careful."

[jadegil6]

At a wedding ceremony, the priest asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. If so, then it was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
Then in what is normally a moment of utter silence, a young beautiful woman carrying a child stood up. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.

Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom.
The groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The priest asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"

The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."

[jadegil6]

J. R. Tech Support Chat: Hello. This is Jade Rune Tech Support.
___________________________
Filipina Chat: Hi. Last year I got my Boyfriend 5.0 from the jaderune.com site, and later on I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0. But now I notice a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower, jewelry, money and gift applications, which in the Boyfriend 5.0, operated flawlessly.
In addition when I upgraded to Husband 1.0, it uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5. Then it installed some undesirable programs such as NFL Football 3.0, College Football 4.3, and Dancing Girls Live 2.1.
Also the Meaningful Conversation 8.0 no longer runs at all, and Housecleaning 2. 6 totally disappeared.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems and Whining 5.9 as well, but to no avail.
What can I do?
____________________________
J.R. Tech Support Chat: First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html into the command box, and then try to download Tears 6.2. Also do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If those new applications work as designed, then Husband 1.0 should then reboot automatically, and then run the applications Jewelry 2.0, Flowers 3.5, All-The-Money-Wifey-Wants 4.6, and Expensive Gifts 6.1.
However, please remember, overuse of the above applications can cause Husband 1.0 to default over to Grumpy Silence (Tampo) 2.5, Drunk Again 7.0 or Beer-thirty Lasts All Day 6.1.
Please note that Beer-thirty Lasts All Day 6.1. is a very bad program because that default program will also download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
And, whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system's resources and dominate all other programs).
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall your previous Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are now unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .
In summary Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider trying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Massage 9.9 and Hot Lingerie 7.5.
Thank you for your patronage and good luck with your fully reconfigured Husband 1.0 system.

[jadegil6]

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"

[jadegil6]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come with me, and the other time he fell asleep".

[jadegil6]

At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how about a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Pleeeeease?..."

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"

[jadegil6]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $100, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."