JOKER'S CORNER

[jadegil6]

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie. When he got there, the ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”
The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster, Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.”
“I’m sorry, sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in the theatre.”
The old farmer went around the corner, and stuffed Chuck down into his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theatre.
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started, and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
“Marge,” whispered Mildred.
“What?” said Marge.
“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”
“What makes you think so?” asked Marge.
“He undid his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred.
“Eh, don’t worry about it,” said Marge. “At our age we’ve seen ’em all.”
“I thought so too,” said Mildred, “but this one’s eatin’ my popcorn!”

[Jerry]

Laughing loud

[jadegil6]

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0 ON AN EXAM
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
*wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

[jadegil6]

There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane.
The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him.
The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5.00, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00.
The lawyer figured the blonde was so dumb, he could not lose, and the blonde thought for a few minutes and reluctantly accepted to play his game.
The lawyer fires his first question "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.00. The blonde then asked the lawyer "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"
The lawyer's face looked extremely puzzled. He spent several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to figure out the answer. Finally, the angry and frustrated lawyer handed the blonde $50.00.
The blonde put the $50.00 into her purse quickly without saying a word.
The lawyer was outraged at this point and asked, "Well, what is the answer?"
The blonde glanced at him with a smirk on her face and handed him a $5.00 bill.

[jadegil6]

Two guys who worked together at a manufacturing plant were on their lunch break when one of them said,
"If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you were gone fishing, and she got pregnant, would that make us kinfolks?

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kinfolk, but it would make us even!"

[jadegil6]

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful and much younger girl at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $500.00 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $4,000", the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said, "There was only $25.00 in your account."
"I know", said the old man,
"But let me tell you about my wonderful weekend!"

[jadegil6]

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory.
One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job.
She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you ?"
"For twenty years I’ve wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer," he explained, "and today I finally did it!"
The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done.
"You look okay," she said with a sigh of relief. "So what happened to the pickle slicer?"
"Well," he said with hesitation, "they fired her, too."

[jadegil6]

I took a look at my wife one day and said: “Honey, 45 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old woman.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 70 years old lady. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”

But my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 years old one to sleep with, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.

[jadegil6]

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[jadegil6]

voice to text sucks.....

THE FIRST MESSAGE
Hi Fred,
this is Bob next door. I have a confession to make. I've been
riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to find
the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in
text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not
around. In fact, probably more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know.
The temptation was just too much.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again.
Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Bob

THE RESPONSE
Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, ran next door, and shot his neighbor
dead.
He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the
sofa.
He took out his phone where he saw he had a second message from his
neighbor.

THE SECOND MESSAGE
Hi Fred,
This is Bob next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text.
I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed that darned
Auto-Correct changed "wi-fi" to "wife". Technology hey?
Regards, Bob