Husband or Family?

[justmovenalong]

Im ok with it eather way,I dont mind helping as long as it doesnt get out of control and i have the funds at that time.Most americans waste 100 dollars a month on stupid things anyway I just wondered if it came down to the wire what side of the fence my wife would be on.And if my wife worked and wanted to send money home i got no problem with that because I know it is important to her and if it important to her then its important to me. I just wont support the lazy but will give all day to the needy

[manilamadman]

We each are allocated only so many minutes, hours and days in our life--our choice is how to spend our time. Expecting the man to spend his life working to provide for his wife, but it is ok for the wife to spend her life working to support her family in another country sounds like a big lose for the man. I do not get the sense from Filipinas on this forum that indicate they will be 100% committed to their husbands. Their core, deep-down commitment seems to be more to their Filipino family of origin.

[manilamadman]

"They had her family in the Philippines build them a wonderful house. It provided some money for her family.... her family stays at the house.... vacation time is all they can afford to be there, and only every other year.... they both think they might be bored living in the Philippines. So they only intend to spend a few months at a time there even after retirement"

So this guy can work like a dog until he dies, he will not have the money for a comfortable retirement because it has been spent to build a home for her family in the Philippines. He can not legally own property in the Philippines, so the house is in her name and they now realize they will not live there. So the "small amount of help" for her family has turned into a beautiful home for her family!

You guys better wake up before you say I Do! It starts with just a "little help" maybe $200 per month, then momma needs heart surgery, send another $1500 or she dies, six months later brother is in a car accident, now can not work send money or his 5 kids will starve, then like the guy above you build a house in the Philippines for your retirement, which you discover you do not even own and her family is living in it. You try to back off on the amount of money spent on her family and she begins serious tampo on you! Because in her culture there is no social security or good insurance or medicare and the extended family pays for everything. You are now part of that extended family and you are the only person with any money and so YOU PAY! Why do you think a beautiful young woman is eager to marry a guy 20, 30, 40 years older than her in a distant country that she only knows via the internet and a one week visit? Let go of your emotions and think. It's about money. You have it. Her family needs it. Her culture has taught her when you marry her you have become part of the extended family, you should provide money. You do not and you will suffer. But remember, her family is poor, it is large and it will ALWAYS need more money for emergencies etc. A never ending need.

Get the financial issues locked down very, very tight before any commitment or you will likely have a disaster the likes of which you have never seen on your hands.

[abufarsi]

Ron, McWee, Manilamadman,

3 posts without a reply. Do you really think that there is a guy here who does not think that if his mother is sick, and has no money, that he would not be expected to help? Do you think that foreign visitors to the Philippines would not notice the general financial position of the family of his GF? Do you actually think that a woman (Filipina, Chinese, African, Latino, American) would not love her mother and father, and want to help them if she could?
Then you state that these obvious and normal attitudes are somehow "unfair to the husband".
These are the things you caution about, are they not?
Thus, no need for you to continue ranting on this pet peeve of yours. Everybody the world over had already got it, it is morally responsible to care for your extended families. If you marry into a family with few reserves, and you have many, it is logical and obvious that cash assistance will be mostly one way. No matter if you marry rich or not, statistically, somebody in your family will be faced with difficult decisions demanding cash beyond his financial reserves, before you are.
You suggest that we should let our momma die, because that mother is a Filipino, that is you, nobody else here would take such a position.
You pose a dichotomy husband/family that exists only in your mind. Perhaps it should read self/family, a problem that exists the world over that every person struggles with.
Along with this irrationality is a snide undercurrent of your assumptions that those women here are gold diggers and all the guys are searching to buy a trophy wife. Personally I have never met a guy who was searching for a gold digging trophy wife, but if there was one here, lets wait until he identifies himself before we post more cautions about how ridicules his quest is, OK?

[ronspeers]

I don't know who McWee or Manilamadman is but since you chose to include my name I will respond for myself.

You seem an angry person who sees another's opinion as a personal slight. Glancing at your name I wonder: are you American, do you live in the USA, do you understand the huge differences in American and Filipino culture and society? I suggest any man considering marriage to a Filipina may need to seriously understand these major differences--may save him lots of trouble.

For example the care of older generations is entirely different in RP and USA. In the USA if your 65 year old father gets sick and goes to the hospital they will immediately take him, give him best care as he is covered by Medicare. In the RP if your 65 year old father gets sick he will probably not be taken by a hospital and or given extensive treatment beyond basic unless someone pays potential costs upfront because there is nothing in the RP like Medicare. As a poor Filipino family is not likely to have the money who will they likely turn to-- the Filipina daughter who just married the American! Surprise! Most all costs to sustain elderly parents in the Philippines is borne by their children. That may come as quite a shock to the American husband as he slowly watches his savings depleted to pay for the care of his Filipina wife's aging parents. Of course that is his business, his choice to handle as he deems correct but.....I hope someone is decent enough to tell the American upfront what he is likely going to be facing financially BEFORE he gets into that situation.

Is apprising the American man upfront what serious financial issues may come with his Filipina bride not the correct and honest thing to do?

[abufarsi]

Yes, I am insulted by your posts. I feel that your portrayal of Americans in this post is both incorrect (as it portrays us as amoral) and useless, as the person who could possibly use this advise does not exist.
I am an American, I married a Filipino and lived in the Philippines, years.
Your suggestion that Medicare covers all medical expenses belittles the fact that poor health is the #1 cause of bankruptcy in the USA. Implying that such health insurance is a panacea so effective that "Americans" don't consider ill health a financial burden is disingenuous.

"come as quite a shock to the American husband" Who is this guy who never had a relative who was sick and short of cash? SHOCKED you say?
I personally have never met a person who was shocked to learn that their parents might need of help when they got older.
I personally never met a person who did not understand that help was expected, demanded by morality, American or Filipino.

"decent enough to tell the American upfront what he is likely going to be facing financially BEFORE he gets into that situation"

DECENT ENOUGH??? to state the OBVIOUS? Why? to what end? Are you saying that someplace out there there is a guy who upon reading this "advise" says to himself " I thought my Filipina was going to cost me $3000 now I think it will be another $5000, thanks for the warning, I think I will marry a Chinese instead". Your supposition is laughable.
What seems far more likely is that your posts are much more about projection than observation. That it is you that thinks that cash spent helping Filipinos is money poorly spent. It is you who thinks your wife's mother is somehow less worthy of support than your mother.
I find that your representation of Americans, of which I am one, and American culture, inaccurate and immoral, and as such, deliberately, insulting.

[Tigger82d]

I have had my fiance here in the states for one week now and we will be married soon. We have already had the talk of this and I told her that we come first before helping the family there. If our needs are not met then its harder for us to help them is how I look at it. She has agreed with this and she asked about getting a job sometime to help and I agreed thats fine. If she gets a job then she can afford to put her sister and brother thru college there and it would hert us alot less and in the long run thast would help her family out alot more. If I'm wrong on my way of thinking then someone correct me but this is the best way I can think of helping the family right now, and yes I already consider her family as part of my family, they are great people.

[ronspeers]

Hey bro if you want to make those choices certainly fine by me, actually none of my business. My posts are intended to bring real, truth to men who are potentially looking at hooking up with a filipina--to let them know what they can really expect, then they can make their own decision and live with the consequences. There are many more potential hidden costs to dealing with a filipina than what is generally understood--each man can make his own mind if he wants to bear those costs.

I do find your concept of supporting a filipina so then she can support her filipino family to be interesting, sort of --what you have is also her's but what she will have thanks to you will be going to her filipino family? Seems very one way to me--if what you have is hers's should not what she have be yours? But hey--you want to do that I do not care.

Would most men tolerate their american wife giving money to her family? Probably not much. So why should they tolerate a filipina wife giving money away to her family? Giving money to to her family is a slippery slope and once that door is open it will be one man trying to close it and a whole extended family of filipinos with lots of 'emergency" needs determined to keep it open.

Good luck.

P.S. Maybe you can get a second job nights and weekends to help out with all the needs that filipino family will have.

[Edwin]

"They had her family in the Philippines build them a wonderful house. It provided some money for her family.... her family stays at the house.... vacation time is all they can afford to be there, and only every other year.... they both think they might be bored living in the Philippines. So they only intend to spend a few months at a time there even after retirement"

So this guy can work like a dog until he dies, he will not have the money for a comfortable retirement because it has been spent to build a home for her family in the Philippines. He can not legally own property in the Philippines, so the house is in her name and they now realize they will not live there. So the "small amount of help" for her family has turned into a beautiful home for her family!

You guys better wake up before you say I Do! It starts with just a "little help" maybe $200 per month, then momma needs heart surgery, send another $1500 or she dies, six months later brother is in a car accident, now can not work send money or his 5 kids will starve, then like the guy above you build a house in the Philippines for your retirement, which you discover you do not even own and her family is living in it. You try to back off on the amount of money spent on her family and she begins serious tampo on you! Because in her culture there is no social security or good insurance or medicare and the extended family pays for everything. You are now part of that extended family and you are the only person with any money and so YOU PAY! Why do you think a beautiful young woman is eager to marry a guy 20, 30, 40 years older than her in a distant country that she only knows via the internet and a one week visit? Let go of your emotions and think. It's about money. You have it. Her family needs it. Her culture has taught her when you marry her you have become part of the extended family, you should provide money. You do not and you will suffer. But remember, her family is poor, it is large and it will ALWAYS need more money for emergencies etc. A never ending need.

Get the financial issues locked down very, very tight before any commitment or you will likely have a disaster the likes of which you have never seen on your hands.

Manilamadman, they do not have the attitude that you expressed, they are far better people than that! This is your attitude, not their's! They have love in their hearts!

[Edwin]

I know that as individuals we cannot take care of the whole world. We can do what we are able to do though, and God will help us to know what we should do, and then do it.

I find some expressions that have the lack of kindness lately on this subject, and that is unfortunate.

Matthew 25:31;When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory: 32;And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats: 33;And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left. 34;Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: 35;For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: 36;Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me. 37;Then shall the righeous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee: or thirsty, and gave thee drink: 38; When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in: or naked, and clothed thee: 39;Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee: 40;And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brothren, ye have done it unto me. 41;Then shall he say alo unto lthem on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels; 42;For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink: 43;I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in Prison, and ye visited me not 45;Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me. 46;And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.

Jadegil6 expressed the above when he wrote:

I expect to pass through this world but once.
Any good thing, therefore, that I can do,
or any kindness that I can show to any fellow human being,
let me do it now.
Let me not defer nor neglect it,
for I shall not pass this way again.

Any kindness that I can show to any fellow human being, let me do it now!