Fiancee or Marriage in the Philippines?

[Edwin]

I thought this might be an interesting topic. Many people have varied ideas about which is best; to marry in the Philippines with the blessing of all the families of the young lady, or to come to another country as a fiancee and marry later. What are the pros, and what are the cons? If you were chosing one of these routes, which one would you chose, and why?

[Manilaman]

Whether the marriage is in the US or Philippines does not matter, the location of a marriage is of little importance. Importance is choosing the right person.If you choose the right person, they are mature enough to realize the location of the marriage is limited importance. Possibly some Filipina may have a preference to be married in her hometown, but given the thousands of dollars a man must spend to leave work, travel to the Philippines etc when this money could be used to buy a home or buy rice for a thousand starving filipino children then any Filipina who insists on a wedding in her hometown is obviously not mature enough and is much to self-centered to be a good wife. Man should dump her, find a better woman.

[abufarsi]

The answer to this question is obvious to me, marry in the home land of the foreigner.

The world over the separation rate of couples hovers around 30%, even in countries where divorce is extremely difficult. Coping with this fact is something every couple should consider. Do not tell me that selecting well is somehow a deterrent to marital failure, nobody can see the future or into the soul of another.

Reasons I see to marry in a country other than the Philippines.

1. Marriage is a legal agreement enforceable by law, and as such, people who have poor standing under that law should not enter into a contract in that country where unfairness abounds (against foreigners).

2. In many countries you can define the limits, the responsibilities of each married partner using various means like a prenuptial agreement. In the Philippines the actual agreement as to the rolls and responsibilities of each are defined by law and cannot be modified. But if you are married abroad the contract entered into abroad will be enforceable in the Philippines.

3. With the chances of failure of a marriage at 1 in 3, and for sure the likelihood that one or both of the parties are emotionally damaged from previous relationships, why limit your chances to start over by entering into a contract that cannot be nullified in the country of the signing?

4. Many marriages are steps taken to join a partner in a foreign land. If one of those parties has never lived in the county they are marrying a person from, they are taking a great risk that they will not like the new country. Married in the Philippines and hate the new country is a sure road to unhappiness.

Maybe there are others, but off the top of my head i can't think of any.

[Manilaman]

"Do not tell me that selecting well is somehow a deterrent to marital failure"

Dude selecting well is the first and most important step. Sure situations and people change but the most important step is selection. The character of the person is most important. Always choose well!

But assuming one has chosen well, the issue was WHERE to marry. I say where it is reasonable in regards to time and cost. Foolish for a guy to spend say $10,000 taking off work, travel to Philippines and cost of a fancy wedding to make the filipina happy. That money could be used to buy a house which will last many years. Any filipina who pushed for such a wedding should be gotten rid of BEFORE the wedding cause with that self-centered attitude you will be divorced from her soon anyway.

If a guy is going to live in the Philippines then getting married there is OK. It is true that any time a westerner is in Filipino court against a Filipino he is at a disadvantage, but since a divorce is not possible in Filipino court, divorce action between a Filipina and American would take place in US court. And since an american can not really own property or limited possibility to own a business in the Philippines, an american really has not much to lose. American man may have problems in US divorce court if he takes his Filipina to the US and she is a scammer who will look to take advantage of him in US court. But not much he could lose in Filipino court. There are a few special zones in the Philippines where outsiders can invest--I do not know how that would be handled, that is a rare case.

[Edwin]

I don't think there is any right or wrong way to go about getting married. I think it depends a lot on the people involved. Our friend courted his filipina for I think about 3 years if I remember correctly. They then did the K1 visa where he brought her to the USA and married her within the 90 day requirement. This worked fine for them as they were both older, and she had been married previously and had it annuled already, so neither one of them had to ask permission or give account to anyone. They are not retired, either of them, so they both work and live in the USA, and that is the way they want it. While working in this country they only visit the Philippines and her families every other year. When they reach retirement, which for them is a few years away they plan to spend a few months in the Philippines and a few months in the USA, and that will probably work great for them. So summers in the USA and winters in the Philippines is what they are thinking, and that is approximately April to September in the USA, and October to March in the Philippines. He is a go, go, go, type person, and he thinks he might get bored trying to live in the Philippines all the time, and he thinks his filipina wife might get bored also. For the present time they both like to work and send money to their families in the Philippines. They are still having their house in the Philippines worked on, so that it will be pretty nice when they do retire and spend more time in the Philippines. This works for them.

My wife's brother married his filipina in the Philippines, and they have lived there for 10 years now, and that works for them. They are both retired, and they just enjoy improving their place and traveling around to the various countries in that region. They swim every day, and spend time working in their yard and garden. They keep busy, but doing what they want to do. He is also a diver with many years of experience, and he enjoys that also.

My sister is here visiting, and she was telling me that my nephew is very happily married and living in the Philippines, and he just wants to live there all the time. They were married in the Philippines also. So I was happy to hear that they are doing okay.

[Edwin]

There are some advantages to getting married in the Philippines I believe. For one thing many families are not comfortable with sending their young lady to another country when she is not yet married. That can create some awkward situations where they are not supposed to live together until married, but yet they are together traveling to the new country.

The focus of the marriage I think is more on the young lady than it is on the young gentleman. It is true that it is his day, but it is more true that it is her day. The young lady's family often is responsible for the cost of the wedding. I think it is more important that the wedding take place where the bride's family can be in attendance rather than the groom's family, not that the groom's family is not important, but if there is a choice, the choice should be to have the wedding where the bride's families live. If they are going to live in the Philippines, then that is ideal to have the wedding where she is from.

I think when the young couple know and trust each other, then they can arrange to get married in her home country. I know some transport the entire young man's family to the Philippines for the wedding, but in my mind I don't think that is necessary. He can fly to the Philippines, himself alone, and then get married. After that he can choose to live in the Philippines with his wife, or he can decided to bring her to his country. If that is the case, then he can go the CR1 visa route. That route is cheaper. When he brings her with him they are husband and wife, so there would be no shame in that. They don't have to think that they shouldn't be living together as they would think with the K1 visa. With the CR1 visa when the young lady comes into the country she is legal to start working, where as with the K1 visa she is not allowed to work until after marriage, and the AOS procedure. Everyone has their own ideas about which is better, and for me personally it doesn't matter because I am married, but if I had the choice to make I would marry in the Philippines, then either live there with my filipina wife, or I would go the CR1 route and bring her to my country. I might even spent periods of time in both places. Those are my ideas, and I was curious what ideas others have of the process for them.

[edeline]

In my own opinion, I am on the side of marrying a guy in his place and not here. Yes I understand what was mentioned earlier about spending too much on the wedding here. How expensive it is and the trip in coming anytime here.

I know a neighbous who has been married by a western man here. I was confuse at first if she was the wife of the guy whom she is living, I realized later that she is the mum of that guy. I asked my mum why she is not married and she told me that the girl was married and after the wedding the guy left. That was so hanging, she could not marry again because she was married.

It is true that the most important thing is the right person and later a decision of where to live willl just be so simple to be solved as long as the two will agree on it. No forcing and open to suggestions.

My idea with living in his place is that we can fully understand each other and that he will not be pressured to help my family. We wil be living on our own and he will not feel he is sucked.
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[Edwin]

Yes, Edeline, it is nice there is more than one option, and not everyone fits into one or the other category. I can understand your point in wanting to be in your own place with him in his country, and being away from your family, so that you will not have that pressure from them.

In a way it is 6 of one or a half dozen of the other, meaning in the long run there is not much difference. With the K1 there is waiting time for approval, and then a limited time to fly to the country, and then 90 days within which to be married, and then AOS. I think the K1 process is actually a little faster, and you can be together sooner. However you usually can't get work authorization until the AOS. With the CR1 it takes a little longer, but as soon as it is approved there is work authorization, and the CR1 is a little cheaper. It really depends on what works best for each individual I think.

It is very sad when a person marries and then disappears. It is also sad when someone takes advantage of someone else just to get into the country or perhaps with a scheme to get someone else into the country after leaving the person who brought them in.

I think what Crisi said makes a lot of sense to find someone who is a committed Christian, get to know them, and then that person should not do someone else harm. They should be good for their word. If we look to the Lord for guidance, and try to do it His way then we should be safer. I would hope that it would work that way anyway, after building some trust in that person first.

[abufarsi]

dude,

Of course "tell me that selecting well is somehow a deterrent to marital failure" is WRONG as anybody who attempts it should be free from divorce or marital hardships. And as I said above, no matter the laws in place, the courtship ritual, or the sophistication of those involved, failure rates among couples, WORLD WIDE, is near 33%.

Basic sociology 101.

Further you imply that those who's marriages failed, failed in the courtship and this failure was ignored. I counter that the percentage of guys who married a woman they knew was a failure in the courtship, is a percentage less than 1% of marriages overall. Or to say statically insignificant. Further, those guys who would marry a woman that they did not accept through courtship, would not take anybodies advise, especially yours (one false move, dump the bitch). Now perhaps you were the guy who said on his wedding day "She and I really did not get along courting, but our marriage will succeed", and if that is so, I can see why you posed such a weak argument.

This leaves those people who thought at the time of the marriage that they did indeed "select well", far and away the vast majority of people at wedding ceremonies. And yet as suggested above... failure of first marriages is a constant 28-44%, or about 33%.

Your advise further suggests that the vast majority of Filipinas would fail (to remain as a marriage possibility)soon after your initial encounter. Would their entry into a successful marriage to a person who was not so stingy as you, not prove your advise ignorant in the extreme? (see failure rate above, apply it to those who you reject outright).

Notice I said "marriage failure" not "end in divorce".

PS

I said above that reasons for getting married in the foreigners country were.. I will ad one, the marriage failure rate among second and third marriages is near 80%, so if your country does not allow divorce then you are taking an unnecessary risk by getting married there if the guy you selected has been already divorced.

[Edwin]

In my own opinion, I am on the side of marrying a guy in his place and not here. Yes I understand what was mentioned earlier about spending too much on the wedding here. How expensive it is and the trip in coming anytime here.

I know a neighbous who has been married by a western man here. I was confuse at first if she was the wife of the guy whom she is living, I realized later that she is the mum of that guy. I asked my mum why she is not married and she told me that the girl was married and after the wedding the guy left. That was so hanging, she could not marry again because she was married.

It is true that the most important thing is the right person and later a decision of where to live willl just be so simple to be solved as long as the two will agree on it. No forcing and open to suggestions.

My idea with living in his place is that we can fully understand each other and that he will not be pressured to help my family. We wil be living on our own and he will not feel he is sucked.
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Makes sense to me, Edeline, and that works for you.