Supporting wife's family, how important?

[HappyDave]

Hi All,

Just reading manilamadman's posting and it got me to thinking. I am looking for a wife and there is about a 60% chance that we would settle in the Philippines. The other 40% option is to bring the new bride back to the US and live on my small farm. It its not really a farm as I have no crops or farm animals, I just like the open space, peace and quiet and clean air.

I am retired and have a comfortable Pension to enable us both to live reasonably well but not lavishly.

I read a lot about sending money back to the wife's parents or family but that would be out of the question with my current level of income. Of course my wife could get a job, but because I live 30 miles from the closest small town, (2,500 people) jobs are not that easy to come by so the likelihood of getting a job is slim.

Regardless of if we lived in the PI or came back here to the farm I could obviously downgrade my lifestyle and free up some income. But I have worked hard all of my life and I like the level of comfort I now enjoy. Is this reluctance to provide for the family back in PI a potential problem?

Should I mention not being able to provide for family right up front at the first or second contact?

How best to handle this issue?

Thanks for thinking on this problem.

Dave

[manilamadman]

Odds are you have a BIG problem if you want to live a comfortable life in the PI but not support her family because that will be a living level well above her extended family who will of course see how you live and there is already a belief that americans have money. She will of course want to interact with her family and they will constantly be applying direct or subtle pressure on her to access your funds for various situations they have. Remember her culture is to provide for that family so she will either work on you for funds or will be emotionally upset or probably both which means peace and joy will not exist in your home. You going to refuse money to your wife when her momma is sick and needs $1500 for heart surgery cause in the PI you probably pay up front or you die!

Best odds for success in your situation may be find a province / farm girl, move her to a remote area of the US. Let her send $200 bucks a month to her family in the PI and that is it, draw the line and never ever budge on more money when the phone calls start coming for emergency help. Since she will only be able to speak with her family on the phone not as much pressure on her then her to you as would occur if you lived in the PI close to them and were seeing them regularly.

That's just my thoughts. When you decide to explain your position on money for her family do it strongly, do it repeatedly and never waver cause if you open that door a crack how are you going to resist your beautiful young bride when she is crying that her momma/ brother/ sister/ favorite niece are desperate, sick and just this one time could you help. That door is pandora's box.

Good luck. Many Filipina's are lovely, sweet, caring so can be a real joy in the right situation BUT......never forget their culture of unwavering support for their family of origin and what that could mean to you. This issue is much bigger than most american men understand.

I saw one Filipina listed on jaderune that was an orphan with no siblings, she was taken quickly, some guy who new the issues realized he would not have problems with her family and money.

[HappyDave]

Hi Manilamadman and let me first apologize for getting your screen name wrong. I will edit it that original post in a few minutes.

I do appreciate your openness and considered advice and I may have a couple of things I should have mentioned that may make things better or worse.

In an emergency such as a heart operation for immediate family, (Mother, Father and siblings) there would be no question that I would pay the hospital bills. I would not be paying for breast augmentation surgery no matter how great the "emergency" was portrayed.

I am in my early 60s and unlike a lot of men looking for a Filipina wife, I am more interested in a woman closer to my own age and not a much younger woman. I am thinking 45 to 55 years old. Also I am looking for a woman with some formal education. Not to sound too pompous, but I am retired from professional life as an Engineer, Computer Programmer and main-stream media Journalist. I am looking for someone I am comfortable with at a conversational level as well as best friend and lover.

I think plucking someone out of their "province" then effectively imprisoning her out here in the boonies on a small farm is a sure recipe for imminent disaster, regardless of the funds sent home to family. I am not looking for a cook, house-cleaner, concubine and obedient servant. I am looking for that person to share the remaining years of my life with. To me, that means sharing a lot of things that we have in common and learning to enjoy the different interests that we may not have in common.

I am having difficulty finding women in that age bracket and it seems they may be deeming themselves out-of-the-race. With so many beautiful and much younger women with profiles on websites such as this, I am guessing that most older women do not bother posting a profile. I have broached the "age" subject in other postings, but am not convinced that a much younger woman is really what I feel is best for me.

Perhaps those issues may put a slightly different slant on things.

Thanks again for taking the time to outline things in a concise and frank manner.

Dave

[manilamadman]

Happy Dave.

Given your situation, I suggest your best bet is spending 2-3 months in the PI, find a nice Pension House to live in, get to know some locals, let them know your interest in a mature wife because you are correct, not many in that age range post photos on dating sites. You will find lots of widows, most will have 3-5 kids. Again you will face the financial issues most american men drastically under estimate--her kids will have financial needs which you will be worked on to fill. And if you are willing to pay for hospital emergencies, you have just become the medicare / medicaid insurance plan for her kids, parents, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews. Be prepared to be viewed as an ATM for a large needy family.

You may find a few 40 year old virgin types but they will be extremely religious.

Given your background, I believe you will find it difficult to find the somewhat sophisticated companionship you re looking for in the Philippines. Maybe take a look at www.xxxxxx.com, search with your age requirements for english speaking doctors, dentists, lawyers, engineers, etc in Ukraine. Just give it a try, you may be pleasantly surprised.

Good Hunting

[jadegil6]

That website you listed is a scam website, and anybody who looks for a mate on there is a fool!!!!

[manilamadman]

Don't be defensive--I was not cracking on jaderune. Any for-pay dating website is designed to extract money from the user. They don't charge a dime to search their site which is what I suggested. Cost nothing to scout the territory. Have you ever been to Ukraine or Russia? Probably not. Lot's of beautiful women and certainly many, many more professional type women than a guy will find in the Philippines. HappyDave is looking for a mature woman he can relate to on a somewhat more sophisticated level than what he will normally find in the Philippines. Facts are women on this site may be young, lovely, sweet but anyone with international experience knows the Philippines is not the place to find sophistication.

[jadegil6]

I am not being defensive. The site you listed is a SCAM. They have over 50 affiliates who all have the exact same women. Most of the women don't even know that their photos are on those sites. They get unsuspecting women to pose for free photos, and then without their knowledge, publish those photos on those 50+ sites. Then those sites charge the men for "translating letters" or for "phone conversations", and the person that are communicating with is not the woman who they have seen in the profiles. That entire organization is a big scam, and it is under investigation by the US Attorney General's office as well as the State of Arizona, where their offices are supposedly located.
I know all of this because I know of several filipinas who were offered free photos in Lapu-Lapu City, Cebu, and then without their knowledge, were plastered all over the internet with these false profiles.

I don't think the filipina ladies on this forum appreciate your generalizations that all of them are going to suck all of the money out of their foreign husbands, either. You really seem to have a negative viewpoint of filipinos in general, so it makes me wonder why you are on this forum.

[manilamadman]

Your opinion is just that--opinion, nothing more. You are defensive about any website not your own, Your self-interest is obvious.

As for Filipinas. I think most have some fine qualities. However is this site about making Filipinas feel good or is it about truth? Truth is there significant differences culturally between Filipinas and American men and finances is one of them. Many Filipinas see supporting their Filipino family as a high priority, but most American men who have no experience with Filipino culture do not know or understand this issue. Money is probably the biggest reason for failure of filipino-american relationships so it is important to to get this issue out in discussion. That some Filipinas do not like to acknowledge this issue does not make it go away. By the way, this issue avoidance is also a part of Filipino culture. If you really care about filipino-american relationships you will facilitate discussion on the financial problems filipino-american relationships have instead of censoring them.

And yes there many Eastern European women looking for Americam men who are generally much better educated and more sophisticated than the Filipinas on this site. That is a fact. Notice I did not say they were better or worse than Fili[inas--I justed stated certain truths .

Now if you want to continue dogging me I will take appropriate action which you will probably regret. I suggest you back off and let me post as long as I am not attacking or belittling someone. Up to you.

[jadegil6]

No Sir! It is not just my OPINION! I know several filipinas who have been lured into this scam by this affiliation of websites. There are many reputable companies with dating sites on the internet which operate in an ethical way, but the site that you are suggesting to this man is definitely not one of them. I am not in competition. I have several free dating sites listed in my links. I urge ladies to join other sites in order to have the best chance to meet someone special. jaderune.com is a small website that attempts to help Christian men and women, and at the same time, to attempt to help some filipino children and women who are in difficult situations. This site is a hobby...not a business venture whose aim is to make money, like the majority of dating sites on the internet.
Your contempt for the filipino race is obvious from the posts that you have made, and your threats against me have been noted.

[justmovenalong]

manilamadman I feel you r way out of line.A wiseman knows enuff to take any advise, reather u choose to use that advise is up to u.jadegil6 has no Finacal reason to protect his site other then to help the kids.I promise u he is not getting rich.(I dont know anyone that has to give a dime to get a address for one of the girls or men)Your thought on philipeano women and their lack of educations is surely your own,but I must tell you the smartest women i ever meet was philipeano so dont kid urself.I also see a lack of older women posting on here and other sites as well but this is a good place for him to start and im sure jadegil6 and other will attemped to help him find what he is looking for now that he put it out there.As far as finacal support for the family it doesnt matter if u marry American or Russan or philippeano its all the same.Amercan women just suck it out of you for themselfs.But with the philippeanos if you dont have then your wife will understand unlike american women that tro a fit and find someone that does.here is my advise on the money thing to all men that worry about it.You must tell your wifes family they are not to ask your wife for money if they need it for something they must come to you that will keep her out of the middle and keep stress off of her and u must tell her she is not to ask you to help her family that her family must come to you direct.Then you r in control.But sir i do feel you owe and appolgy to jadegil6 he was only triing to put out there some friendly advice.