To tell, or not to tell??

[CoolLuke]

Hi,

I have encountered two Filipinas from another dating site and I felt we had enough in common to get some emails started so I emailed them both.

So far after about five exchanges of emails I am liking them both and feel that each of them has what I am looking for in a mate. I want to be totally open and honest with them, but I would like to meet them both in person before deciding on which one I would like to move forward with. From their emails I like them both equally at this stage, but a face to face meeting over several days will help me make up my mind.

No, there will NOT be any sex involved. In fact if one of them suggests sex at a first meeting, I will drop that one right then and there. This finding a mate is too big and important an issue to be swayed by sex. I have NO intention of playing both along, but I will make a choice (as bad as that sounds) after meeting them both.

I am struggling with this question as I feel that by not telling them both, I am lying by omission and I do not want to do that as it is not in my nature.

So, should I tell them both that I am emailing another person or not?

Help!!!

[Edwin]

I think, and this is my personal opinion, that you need to tell them both, and let them know that you are emailing the other. I had a friend in this same situation, and he told me later that he regreted this action, and he also told me he was afraid that one of them was going to commit suicide. It was very serious because the one he ended up rejecting had really set her hopes and him, and it was a huge let down. She became emotionally attached, and she thought that she was the one for him. He told me that he regreted that and would not do it that way again. So, I think, each person needs to know that the other is e-mailing with you. If one of them quits you over it, that is better than what else might happen.

I would be interested in how other people here think about this also. I will vote that you tell. I know it has been suggested that it would help to try several of them and then make a choice, but I like the idea of trying one at a time. Either that person is the one, or they are not the one. That is just my idea. It might be less confusing, and there might be better feeling from the people involved. I would vote that you tell each that you are e-mailing the other person, so that they don't get unrealistic hopes, which can be devastating.

[eStu]

Don't keep them in the dark.

If one or other of them would bail out if she knew you were in touch with someone else that would be her right anyway, right?

It's best to be up front. What is lost by telling them you're in touch with someone else? Nothing except possibly a belief on their part that they're the one and only special one... and you shouldn't want them to have that idea at this point.

What's the alternative? Don't tell them but go and meet each separately and then unceremoniously dump one of them?

Definitely let them know what the score is so that they can appropriately manage their expectations. You might save soneone some heartache and you'll probably sleep better.

[jadegil6]

I agree with Stu. You should be upfront about the fact that you are communicating with more than one girl. And to be realistic about it, most men have one window of opportunity a year to travel to the Philippines to meet anyone. How many of us can afford to spend thousands of dollars to go on a trip like that to meet one girl? More often than not, if we meet only one girl, then she will not turn out to be the right one for us, so there goes our savings and the loss of a year.
It is my opinion that a man should meet more than one girl. It is my experience that most of the girls have more than one man with whom they are communicating as well, and many have already met other men in the past. It's better to be honest about it.

[CoolLuke]

Thanks guys,

When I wrote that I was hoping to hear from some women here to see how they felt. Maybe they are embarrassed as they too have several men on emails as Jadegil suggests.

It's all moot anyway as I woke about 2:00am and decided the first thing to do when I get up is to tell them both.

I had not thought of the women having multiple emails going, but anyway, I'll let them sort it out and see if I get any replies in the morning.

The trip cost is no big deal as I get airline discounts and it costs me about $50 to $90 a trip depending on when I travel.

Thanks to all.

[Edwin]

Wow, CoolLuke, $50 to $90 a trip, and who would not envy you on that! I can see Sir Michael's and eStu's point on the money spent traveling internationally. Good for you for leveling with these ladies about writing each to the other one. We will all be interested to know what the result will be. When I was 17 years old I was writing to 2 girls at the same time. I went to their church an hour or so away and sat between them. It was kind of fun. They each married someone else, and I married someone else as well! The one girl had the smallest arms and legs that I had ever seen. She filled out a little more later, but at the time it was a shock to look at her. She was really nice, and so was the other girl. I remained friends with them and their parents after that. I have not seen any of them for years. The one girl I saw about 25 years ago and she had gained enough weight that I didn't recognize her. She told me she was not happy about that, and I have not seen her since. My wife had one boy friend that was part Aleut and part Russian. Her mother did not approve because he was an Indian. The funny part is that I had almost as much Indian in me as he did, but I didn't show mine as well, so she approved of me. Maybe she changed her mind later. We had some rough times, but she loved me before she died anyway.

[eStu]

I had the feeling you were already on track to reaching your own conclusion Luke, I hope it all works out well.

It would indeed be rather ironic if you were fessin' up to these ladies who were setting up numerous contingency options for themselves but in the end I think the option you've taken is for the best and you'll most likely reap the rewards sooner or later.

Those discounted fares sound great by the way.

[philippines]

Hello!
As a women you should tell both about your plan, if i am the one of your woman whom you communicated with i would understand because we might not mean to each other or we might dont like to each other in person because email is too much different than in person. Just simply tell that you are communicated other too and you would like to meet both of them when you get here in philippines so that the girl wont expect that she is just the one whom you are going visit your trip.. its fair enough if you are being open minded and be honest both of them. I am A girl too and for me i will understand about your situation because you have to meet the one who is match to you so you have to meet more than one so that you have choices, Just explain both of them they will surely understand you!
Good Luck and Happy new year!!!

God bless!

[jadegil6]

The trip cost is no big deal as I get airline discounts and it costs me about $50 to $90 a trip depending on when I travel.

On my last trip my plane ticket cost me $1,580.00, and that was the cheapest I found.....and that was round trip from Texas to Manila, and did not include the airport exit fees in the Philippines, or the cost to go from Manila to Cebu or beyond. So my travel fees to move about the provinces plus my plane ticket to and from the PI was more than $2,200.00. That may not seem like much to some, but it is alot for me.

[Edwin]

Yes, Sir MIchael, it is a lot to me also, and even more because things have not gone well for me with my rental houses this last year. They are going to get better, because I have better renters in one of my houses. The other is still a big loss, but I am hoping that will turn around also. My brother-in-law has been flying for years, first with his jobs various places in the world, and then between Seattle, Washington and Manila numerous times over that last 12 years. He told me that airline prices have doubled since he has been flying, and he told me also that the seats are getting closer together with less leg room. Time before last he told he didn't think he would ever make that trip again, but of course he was in Seattle more tired than you can imagine, and then I think he was sick then and didn't know it. He made one trip since last October, but I think that will probably be his last trip; of course the Lord alone knows. When I flew with my friends over a year ago, they got their tickets for I think it was $1000.00 and mine cost me $100.00 more because I didn't realize I was going with them early on, so I purchased my ticket later than they purchased theirs. My friend told me that this year their tickets cost them $1300.00 each, and he told me that he thinks they will wait until they are retired to make another trip. Of course he said they were not going to make this trip until next year, so you never know. He told me that this trip was harder on him than any of the others, and he attributes that to getting older, but he is 6 years younger than I. His filipina wife loves being in the USA, and she thinks they need more money before they retire, and she is probably right, and my friend said that he thinks she is right also, and he doesn't want to run out of money. When they go to the Philippines they always buy things for their house, and then he tells me that is credit card is hurting after that. It is an old story, huh? Well, I am dreaming of a return trip to the Philippines, but I am going to wait until the time is right.